The Emotional Skill Every Parent Thinks They Have

Most parents believe they’re emotionally intelligent — but parenting teens reveals the truth fast.

In this episode of IMPACT! Parenting with Perspective, we break down the emotional skill every parent thinks they have (but usually doesn’t) and why missing it leads to frustration, yelling, guilt, and disconnection.

You’ll learn:

• The difference between emotional health, emotional intelligence, and emotional intention
• Why feeling angry, sad, or anxious doesn’t mean you’re failing as a parent
• How your thoughts — not your teen — are driving your emotions
• The skill that helps you parent well even when you don’t feel good
• How modeling emotional regulation creates a ripple effect in your teen

This episode is about parenting from the inside out — managing your mind first so you can show up as the parent you actually want to be.

Are You Caught in the Parent Trap?

Discover the hidden patterns that are keeping you stuck—and how to break free.

Take this quick (and eye-opening) quiz to uncover which common parenting trap you’re falling into with your teen.
Get a personalized roadmap to help you parent with more clarity, confidence, and connection—starting today.

https://benpughcoaching.com/parenttrapquiz

Transcript

Ben 0:00

I'm Ben Pugh and you're listening to IMPACT! Parenting with Perspective. This podcast is all about helping parents manage the mental and emotional drama that comes with parenting teens so they can focus on what's most important. Building rock solid relationships and having a powerful impact on their teen's life. Join me each week as I dive into real tools to help you and your teen turn struggles into strengths.

ben_7_02-02-2026_133521 0:35

Hello everybody. Welcome back to the podcast again. We're lucky enough to have Cortni with us. She's fantastic. And for those of you who don't know, maybe this is your first podcast with us. I, Ben Pugh. I am a former teenage knucklehead. I accidentally lit my school bus on fire. Ruined my whole life, and yet I still became a high school principal. I coach high school football and I am a life coach for parents and teenagers. This is my co-host Cortni. Cortni, who, who on earth are you? People keep asking me this. You might as well tell us your answer will be better. Do you know what I tell people when they ask me who you are,

_2_02-02-2026_143522 1:22

What

ben_7_02-02-2026_133521 1:23

that you are the hardest coaching client I ever had?

_2_02-02-2026_143522 1:28

it might be actually.

ben_7_02-02-2026_133521 1:29

It isn't, but that is honestly what I tell people. Just for fun,

_2_02-02-2026_143522 1:33

That's funny. Well, it was a challenge. I was resistant for a while. I'm not gonna lie.

ben_7_02-02-2026_133521 1:38

I, and then you gave up your resistance and you're like, oh, dang. Everything Ben said was right. Okay. Maybe not everything but.

_2_02-02-2026_143522 1:46

Yeah, something like that. No, honestly, everything you did say was right. It's just, it's hard to utilize everything. It's hard to get in the habit of following everything you say.

ben_7_02-02-2026_133521 1:58

Yeah.

_2_02-02-2026_143522 1:59

it,

ben_7_02-02-2026_133521 2:00

so tell us who are you

_2_02-02-2026_143522 2:02

former hairdresser. I now work in dental, mom of three beautiful children,

ben_7_02-02-2026_133521 2:10

and one ugly one Just.

_2_02-02-2026_143522 2:16

that was a discussion this weekend. My teenager kept telling everybody that all of my, that my youngest daughter was my, my child. I would feel terrible admitting.

ben_7_02-02-2026_133521 2:32

Well, yeah, kids do that. My teen, I, I don't think my teens care. So I have a 19-year-old and a 16-year-old, but man, my youngest, who is 10, who goes around telling everyone he's 11.

_2_02-02-2026_143522 2:46

Your

ben_7_02-02-2026_133521 2:46

He, he is pretty sure he is my favorite and he may or may not be the only one who's still willing to like cuddle and snuggle and he is, he's a lot of fun. I gotta enjoy it while it lasts.

_2_02-02-2026_143522 3:00

I shoulda said that. Well, she, she snuggles me. If you snuggle anymore, then

ben_7_02-02-2026_133521 3:04

Yeah, exactly.

_2_02-02-2026_143522 3:06

He'd be like, I'm fine. He wouldn't, he wouldn't fall it.

ben_7_02-02-2026_133521 3:09

It will be like, I'm okay being the least favorite then.

_2_02-02-2026_143522 3:12

Absolutely.

ben_7_02-02-2026_133521 3:14

Yeah. I know we briefly talked about what we're talking about. I somehow forgot that, Cortni, what are we talking about today?

_2_02-02-2026_143522 3:21

We were talking about.

ben_7_02-02-2026_133521 3:24

Oh yeah. How did I even forget that? Okay. Yeah. You guys are learning about emotional intelligence from someone who may or may not lack just plain old intelligence or whatever. Do. Do you know my definition for emotional intelligence?

_2_02-02-2026_143522 3:45

the ability to feel any in all emotions or something

ben_7_02-02-2026_133521 3:50

That's emotional health.

_2_02-02-2026_143522 3:52

Okay. but it's similar. Right?

ben_7_02-02-2026_133521 3:56

It is similar.

_2_02-02-2026_143522 3:57

Okay.

ben_7_02-02-2026_133521 3:57

So emotional health. This I feel like is important to share because. Number one, there isn't a really good definition of emotional health, so I just made up my own. And typically when people talk about emotional health, they talk about like being happy all the time and being confident and or they talk about it in a negative light, like, oh, they're just not emotionally healthy. So the way I define emotional health. Is your ability to experience any and all emotions. And so when I talk to people and they're like, oh, I'm just super pissed off. I'm like, good job. That's one of the many emotions. If you're healthy, you can experience that. Even though people are like, no, you shouldn't get mad now if you wanna be emotionally healthy, you have to also be able to get mad. Some people are like, yeah, I'm just super anxious. Yep. That's part of the emotional chart. That is a good indicator that you're healthy or maybe you're depressed. Yep. Part of the emotions. So emotional health is really important. That is your ability to experience any and all emotions. None of'em are bad. None of'em are off limits. That's important because once you understand that, you can now move into emotional intelligence. My definition. When I don't like definitions, I just like cross them out and write into books that I check out from the library. My own definition just joking. I've never done that. But if I don't like definitions, I will make up my own. For me, emotional intelligence is your ability to identify exactly what you're feeling and to understand why you are feeling it. Cortni, could you see how a lot of people in our world. Have a lack of emotional intelligence.

_2_02-02-2026_143522 5:48

Yes. Yes.

ben_7_02-02-2026_133521 5:51

There's tons, and here's the thing that isn't fair. Men get accused all the time of not having emotional intelligence. Guess what? I know plenty of women that also don't have emotional.

_2_02-02-2026_143522 6:05

what? I'm sorry.

ben_7_02-02-2026_133521 6:08

So let's talk about emotional intelligence. Do you remember? What's the first part of that definition?

_2_02-02-2026_143522 6:17

The ability to identify.

ben_7_02-02-2026_133521 6:21

Identify what?

_2_02-02-2026_143522 6:23

emotions you're feeling and why.

ben_7_02-02-2026_133521 6:25

Nope, just the first one. Identify what you're feeling. So, I know you've had a rough past week.

_2_02-02-2026_143522 6:30

Mm-hmm.

ben_7_02-02-2026_133521 6:31

What was one of the emotions that you were experiencing during that rough week?

_2_02-02-2026_143522 6:36

Sadness.

ben_7_02-02-2026_133521 6:37

Okay. Sadness. That is a very uncomfortable emotion. Sometimes people don't even identify what they're feeling and they'll be like, I don't know. I'm just off. I'm just down. But when you can identify, no, I feel sad right now. That is a powerful part of emotional intelligence, and a lot of people are missing that Now, did you ever cognitively explore why you were feeling sad?

_2_02-02-2026_143522 7:09

Yes, I did.

ben_7_02-02-2026_133521 7:10

Okay.

_2_02-02-2026_143522 7:12

because I felt like my teenager didn't appreciate that I was doing. my didn't communicate with me or like

ben_7_02-02-2026_133521 7:23

Can I pause you real quick? You're putting the word, I felt like this, but you are actually giving me a lot of thoughts. Like I felt like my teen didn't connect with me. The thought is my teen is not connecting with me.

_2_02-02-2026_143522 7:39

Yeah.

ben_7_02-02-2026_133521 7:40

And that thought. Is creating sadness.

_2_02-02-2026_143522 7:44

Yes. Yeah. That's, mm-hmm. I,

ben_7_02-02-2026_133521 7:56

Are you a Kenny Rogers fan at all?

_2_02-02-2026_143522 8:00

I can't say I'm a Kenny Rogers fan. I know some of his music.

ben_7_02-02-2026_133521 8:04

Have I ever had you watch his music video? The greatest. Okay, so there's this little boy throwing a ball up in the air and this whole song is about this little boy. And it starts out and he's saying, I'm the greatest baseball player that's ever lived. And in his mind, he's imagining like fans around and he throws the ball up and his ball's coming down and he gets ready and he swings. And he swings and he misses. And then you get into the chorus of the song where he is like, it doesn't matter'cause I'm the greatest. Baseball players ever lived. The fans in his mind are still cheering, so he throws the ball up again, swings and misses. And the thing is, I show this to clients all the time because whether or not he is the greatest is irrelevant. If he thinks he's the greatest, it changes how he feels. Now, spoiler alert, I don't know if anyone's ever done a spoiler alert for a song, but when I use this in my coaching calls with teens, I pause it at this particular moment because he is just throwing the ball up the third time. And I usually ask my teen, oh, I'll pause it and they'll be, what's gonna happen? Like, are we gonna watch the rest? Yeah, you get into it. But the thing is, I ask my teens like, what do you think is gonna happen? And they're like, he's gonna hit it. He has to hit it. I'm like, okay, well let's keep watching. Pay attention to the stories. This young man or this boy tells about himself. He pitches the ball for the third time. He swings and he misses. And most people I feel like would say something like, oh, I suck at baseball. I knew I couldn't do it. And they would just. Have negative thoughts, which then give you crappy emotions. This little boy that this song is about says, man, even I didn't know I could pitch that well. So he just changes the story that he is telling himself. I'm the greatest baseball player, and even I didn't know that I could pitch that good. Like I'm even more amazing. It doesn't matter if the story that he is telling himself is true, because what matters is how it makes him feel. Now, people will push back on this and they'll be like, well, Ben, it does matter. You don't wanna go around lying to yourself. My thing is, how do you know what is true and what is not true?

_2_02-02-2026_143522 10:35

Mm-hmm.

ben_7_02-02-2026_133521 10:36

Like if you went around and you're like, man, I am the worst baseball player ever. That would actually become true,

_2_02-02-2026_143522 10:43

Mm-hmm.

ben_7_02-02-2026_133521 10:43

I guarantee you I could find someone else who is worse at baseball than you. The thing is, oh, go ahead.

_2_02-02-2026_143522 10:52

ahead. I say, if you think you're the greatest, at least you're gonna keep.

ben_7_02-02-2026_133521 10:57

Yeah. Now, here's the thing about emotional intelligence that people sometimes struggle with your feelings. So emotional intelligence is the ability to identify what you are feeling. That's like having the ability to drive in your car. And if a sensor comes on, knowing what that sensor means. Oh, that's not a big deal. That just means one of my tires is a little bit low. It's always on. Don't worry about it. Or the check engine light is on, and I just had this recently happen. All it meant was my gas cap wasn't working anymore and I had to get a new gas cap. Emotional intelligence is being able to identify what you're feeling. And understand what it means, why you're feeling it. If you're going through life feeling sad, you need to take the time to really understand, why am I feeling this way? What is going on? It's like driving a car. Your feelings are just trying to give you information, and the truth is the stories that you tell yourself are made up. There is no objective truth or not truth or like when my grandma died, do you know how old my grandma was when she died?

_2_02-02-2026_143522 12:16

I don't.

ben_7_02-02-2026_133521 12:17

97. She had a stroke at like 92 and she's like, man, before my stroke I was a young 90 something after my stroke. Now I'm an old 90 something. The thing is, when my grandma died, there was a part of me that felt sad.

_2_02-02-2026_143522 12:35

Mm-hmm.

ben_7_02-02-2026_133521 12:35

Having emotional intelligence, I was able to identify, oh, this is why I'm feeling sad. I love my grandma.

_2_02-02-2026_143522 12:43

Mm-hmm.

ben_7_02-02-2026_133521 12:43

miss hanging out with her. I'm not gonna be able to turn to her. I wish I would've asked for her apple pie recipe while she was alive because I have no idea how she made that delicious. It's just pie. The thing is, there was also part of me that was happy, like dang. She was not enjoying life, not being able to get around and be as active. At least she's not miserable. At least she's not suffering. Having emotional intelligence gives you the awareness to understand what you're feeling and why, but to also understand I can choose how I feel based on how I choose to think and believe. Anything you wanna add to that? So there's one more layer. So we've talked about emotional health, which is your ability to experience any and all emotions. The next one we just talked about is emotional intelligence. Your ability to identify exactly what you're feeling and why you're feeling it. That'll always be a thought. The next layer is emotional intention, and this one is a little bit deeper. This one is, again, I had to make up my own definition because nobody else talks about this weird stuff. Emotional intention is when you have the power to choose, or the power to control how you feel and or how you behave. And the reason this is important, let's go back to my grandma's death. I know why. I always talk about death, gets people's attention, makes'em feel bad for me. No, my grandma deserved it. She had a nice long life. She was ready to go. It's all fine. The thing is, imagine. That I can't really change how I feel because I have thoughts and beliefs that I can't really change it. Like, man, I'm never gonna see her again. I'm gonna miss her, and she was the best. And I really can't change how I feel. So emotional intention is I either change how I feel or I at least control my behaviors. So rather than just feeling sorry for myself and feeling sad and staying home and binge watching Netflix and eating ice cream, I choose behaviors intentionally that align with who I want to be rather than being stuck in the emotion and then letting the emotion drive behaviors that are out of alignment with who I want to be. Does that make sense?

_2_02-02-2026_143522 15:29

It does. I love it.

ben_7_02-02-2026_133521 15:32

Can you see how parents can at times struggle with emotional intention

_2_02-02-2026_143522 15:38

Yes. I mean, you just, we just called me out on the podcast for, you know, issues this weekend. It was all about my thoughts. I created my own, woe is me. Yeah,

ben_7_02-02-2026_133521 15:54

and then it changes how you behave?

_2_02-02-2026_143522 15:56

right. Oh, absolutely it did. Yeah.

ben_7_02-02-2026_133521 15:58

Here's, here's the beauty of it all. If you can understand emotional health and realize, oh, part of parenting is just being pissed off at my kids, or being sad or being excited, like whatever it is, you can then move on to the next one and be like, man, I'm really pissed off at my kids today. This is what happens with me. I will get so annoyed at my almost 17-year-old because I have thoughts going on. He doesn't care about basketball enough. He's not working hard enough. He is not below, like, whatever it is. Then I can get into the emotional intention and I can be like, man, I still want to think that way, and I still want to feel pissed at my teen, but I don't want to behave this way. I don't want to yell all the time. I don't wanna, I, it just gives you the ultimate control, but it starts at the most important first, manage your mind.

_2_02-02-2026_143522 16:50

Mm-hmm.

ben_7_02-02-2026_133521 16:51

are the stories you're telling yourself about this? What could you believe instead? By doing that, you'll manage your emotions, and if you can't do that, at least have the skill to still be pissed off at your teen or still be really sad and behave as the parent that you want to be.

_2_02-02-2026_143522 17:11

Yeah. And these are good tools to teach our kids as well, and we have to, I'm realizing too, I need to let my children feel of their emotions, even if I think it's ridiculous. I need to let them feel that and then maybe we can navigate it together. How you just helped me navigate, Crying, like, why are I need to be like,

ben_7_02-02-2026_133521 17:44

Yeah.

_2_02-02-2026_143522 17:44

won't conversation, but.

ben_7_02-02-2026_133521 17:50

Yeah, really good. Another part of why this is so important, people don't talk about like emotional regulation and the co-regulation that goes on between healthy. People, healthy families and human beings are herd animals. A lot of what we do when we spend time together is co-regulation. I see that you feel one way, like maybe you're sad. I come and. Like give you support, help you feel a little bit better. Like it's just part of being a herd animal. And oftentimes when people are like, oh, my spouse is a narcissist, or the like, usually they just suck at the co-regulation component. Statistically, there are way fewer narcissists, like when you listen to people, you'd think we're up around like, I don't know, 90%, no, it's down around seven. But oftentimes it's just this co-regulation aspect that they suck at. As a parent, if you can get really good at understanding emotional health, if you can get really good at modeling emotional intelligence and emotional intention, you can start helping your teen better regulate their emotions through this process of co-regulation. The cool thing is if you create that change and start modeling this behavior, there's a chance your teen gets better at the co-regulation component and they can now better help their friends. They can show up better in the family and help the family. This is a powerful tool and it's one that you can't just give your teen this podcast and say, Hey, listen to these weird people. Talk about emotions. It's not gonna work. You listen to this, you put it into practice. And then wait for the ripple effect. This is what I call parenting from the inside out. Stop trying to change your teen. Be the change you wanna see, and trust that that change will take place eventually in your teen. And it might not be until they're a parent of teenagers and they're like, man, how did mom put up with me without yelling all the time? And then they start to be like, oh, well she did this and this. I remember watching her. Yeah, be okay with change happening way down the road.

_2_02-02-2026_143522 20:15

Yeah, if you're not super reactionary to things, your kids will stop being super, like they won't be super reactionary. My uncle, when we first moved out here, my uncle would say, kids emulate someone. Kids emulate someone. And like you said, you, your kids are a mirror for you. I notice behaviors in my children like, oh my gosh, like that is me. Like they're like me. I need do something differently.

ben_7_02-02-2026_133521 20:40

Yeah, and for those of you who are like, I, like my mom was like, I don't know where he learned that. Like I never started the school bus on fire and yet somehow, even though my mom never did that, I figured out how your teen is still a mirror showing you exactly what you need to work on. And it might be patience, it might be emotional intelligence or regulation. Anyways, I feel like that is a pretty deep podcast. this might be one of the ones that you might need to go back through and listen to. If I were to give you homework, like let's just pretend you listening, you are my client, my homework would be go home and start increasing your emotional awareness. That is the key to having better emotional intelligence. Start understanding. What do you feel a lot of people are like, oh, I just feel depressed all day, every day. Probably not. You can start identifying the other emotions that are happening, which will help you stop ignoring those and hyper focusing on the one emotion, and that will help you better understand, oh, I was happy for like five seconds. What was I thinking, man? I was thinking about my football team winning, or whatever it is. You can start to better understand how you feel and why you feel that way, so you can start to be the type of person that feels how you wanna feel. Okay. Any final thoughts before we let these good parents go?

_2_02-02-2026_143522 22:09

Grace, think it's something work on over and over over it in.

ben_7_02-02-2026_133521 22:20

Yeah. And it is possible to be the parent of your dreams without being perfect. So don't feel they have to be perfect. Neither one of us are. One of us is closer to perfect than the other, but I won't say

_2_02-02-2026_143522 22:34

right. You're so sweet.

ben_7_02-02-2026_133521 22:38

anyways. All right guys. And come back next week. Thank you for being here, and if you have found this or any of the podcasts helpful, please feel free to go leave us a review on iTunes. That is where most people listen to this podcast.

_2_02-02-2026_143522 22:54

Does iTunes even exist anymore?

ben_7_02-02-2026_133521 22:58

Yeah, like that. The podcast app on your phone is through iTunes.

_2_02-02-2026_143522 23:03

I don't think so. It's through the pod. Hold on, because, no, it's just podcasts.

ben_7_02-02-2026_133521 23:11

It. Yeah. We're talking the purple app that says podcast.

_2_02-02-2026_143522 23:15

Okay. Well, wherever you listen to this podcast, whether it's from 2015 on iTunes or 2026 on podcasts, leave us a review.

ben_7_02-02-2026_133521 23:26

Yeah, and if it's purple on your iPhone, it's through iTunes. But anyways, yeah, just go ahead, leave us a review or feel free to just. Take a link, send it to your friend and say, Hey, if you're a parent, you probably know other parents. Go ahead and send this to, well, thank you for tuning in, and we'll see you again next week.