Stop Mirroring Your Teen’s Bad Behavior (Do This Instead)

Do you ever find yourself reacting just like your teen?

They get angry… and you get angry.
 They panic… and you panic.
 They shut down… and you shut down.

Most parents don’t mean to do this. But when we mirror our teen’s bad behavior, we actually make things worse.

In this episode, I talk about the difference between mirroring and modeling.

You’ll learn:

• Why awareness is so powerful
• How to catch yourself in the moment
• How to stay calm when your teen isn’t
• 3 simple steps to model the behavior you want to see

You can’t control your teen.
 But you can control how you show up.

And when you change, your home starts to change too.

If this episode helps you, please leave a review. It helps other parents find the support they need.

Let’s build rock solid relationships and have a powerful impact.

Are You Caught in the Parent Trap?

Discover the hidden patterns that are keeping you stuck—and how to break free.

Take this quick (and eye-opening) quiz to uncover which common parenting trap you’re falling into with your teen.
Get a personalized roadmap to help you parent with more clarity, confidence, and connection—starting today.

https://benpughcoaching.com/parenttrapquiz

Transcript

Ben 0:00

I'm Ben Pugh and you're listening to IMPACT! Parenting with Perspective. This podcast is all about helping parents manage the mental and emotional drama that comes with parenting teens so they can focus on what's most important. Building rock solid relationships and having a powerful impact on their teen's life. Join me each week as I dive into real tools to help you and your teen turn struggles into strengths.

ben_8_02-18-2026_093903 0:34

Hello everyone. Welcome back to the podcast. If this is your first time listening to this podcast, thank you for being here. you'll know you're in the right spot if you are a parent of a teenager and you are wondering how to be the best parent you can be. If that's you, you're in the right spot. If you're just here because I don't know, you want. You want to have a good time, you're also in the right spot because me and Cortni we're tons of fun, right? Cortni

ur-mom_1_02-18-2026_103903 1:01

Tons.

ben_8_02-18-2026_093903 1:02

Tons. And that's not a fat joke either.

ur-mom_1_02-18-2026_103903 1:04

Oh my goodness. Oh.

ben_8_02-18-2026_093903 1:06

All right, so thank you all for being here. The thing that we want talk to you about today is this concept. I'm pretty sure I've talked about it before, but I. In some of my recent coaching opportunities that I've had with parents and a few with teens, this is very appropriate and this is this concept of modeling versus mirroring. And this is a trap that I feel like a lot of parents fall into. That they know how they want their teen to behave, but they start mirroring their teen's undesired behavior. And one of the problems with mirroring your teen's undesired behavior is it typically, it also reinforces the undesired behavior in your teen. And that is exactly what you're modeling. That probably is not what you want to model. So what I'd like to talk about today, I just spring these on Cortni all the time and I'm like, oh, hey, here's what we're gonna do today. So guys, when she says stuff that you're like, oh my goodness, Cortni's so wise, I just,

ur-mom_1_02-18-2026_103903 2:15

make any sense.

ben_8_02-18-2026_093903 2:17

no, that's not what I hear from people. They're like, who is this Cortni, and how do I work with her instead of you?

ur-mom_1_02-18-2026_103903 2:22

Oh.

ben_8_02-18-2026_093903 2:23

But just appreciate, like she hasn't had time to ruminate on this, and this is probably something I've been thinking about for a long time. So what I'd like to do today is give you some simple things that you can do to intentionally. Model and keep yourself from falling into the same old trap of mirroring your teen's behavior. Before we do that, Cortni, have you ever caught yourself mirroring undesired behavior that your teen is throwing at you?

ur-mom_1_02-18-2026_103903 2:56

I haven't caught myself, but looking back I absolutely see that I have done it many a time in the moment. I don't realize it, I don't think, for sure.

ben_8_02-18-2026_093903 3:05

Yeah, I think it's actually really, really common. Like I catch myself doing this. I know kind of the slippery slope that makes me a little bit more likely to fall into this trap if I'm hungry, if I'm tired, if I am. If my favorite sports team just lost, if my team is also upset and yelling or complaining about the refs, I'm more likely to get upset at my teen and complain about him and yell at him. Like, what are you complaining about? The refs? And now I'm complaining about him. If you can, so you've kind of done the first step, like awareness. People don't understand this, but awareness is so powerful. If you don't have awareness, you can't make a choice to change it. Like you don't have the power to choose something different without awareness.

ur-mom_1_02-18-2026_103903 3:57

Mm-hmm.

ben_8_02-18-2026_093903 3:58

So the good news is now, for the next week or so, every time you catch yourself doing this. Thanks to your new awareness, you'll be like, curse you, Ben. Why'd you have to put this out in front of me? But you'll start catching yourself, mirroring your teen. out of curiosity, now that you can look back and see yourself mirroring your teen, are there any common scenarios that lead to you just following his lead, kinda giving him what he's given you?

ur-mom_1_02-18-2026_103903 4:25

I can't think, think of a specific scenario, but, I keep

ben_8_02-18-2026_093903 4:29

I.

ur-mom_1_02-18-2026_103903 4:30

we've said in the past, and I know I've said it many times, like regardless of how your teen behaves or shows up or reacts to what you do, still show up as the parent that you want to be. Right. I feel like when we're disappointed by our teen's reactions, that's when we snap back, or like said, give it back to them, but being aware and making the choice to not treat them how they're treating us. Regardless how they treat us, we continue to show up how we, yeah, Ben.

ben_8_02-18-2026_093903 4:57

Oh, in my life. Oh, I can think tons of examples. Like some of the times when I mirror my teen's behaviors, like we talked about the sports thing, the. Not all of my kids are into sports, but man, my oldest is very into sports. And when his team's losing, he just gets frustrated, yells at the tv, yells at the refs, and I'm more likely to do the same thing. And the problem is like I've grown past yelling at the refs. But now I'll direct that anger towards him and like that's not something I want to do. Another thing I'll catch myself doing, if something happens in my kids' lives where they're worried about something, like, oh no, all my friends at school are gonna hate me or tease me, or I'm gonna fail this test, I catch myself mirroring that same anxious. Panicked attitude, like, oh no, well what can I do to help you? Like what do we need to do? And that's not the dad that I want to be like, I wanna be the dad that is very well grounded and anchored and is like, oh, well you're worried you're gonna fail this test tomorrow. Here's the secret. You can fail a test tomorrow and the rest of your life will go on just fine. So like, don't. Over worry about it, but I catch myself mirroring their behavior. over the years of working with tons of parents, the things that I would caution the most against, catch yourself, trying to mirror your teen's anger, that is not gonna put you in a good spot. Parenting wise, like I don't know of any parent who wants to be angry and upset and short tempered. If your teen is showing up that way, remember, it's easy for me to slide into this trap and mirror the same thing back. The other thing that is probably the most important, that panic, that fear, we live in a world that just we have weaponized fear and we use fear to make money. I actually feel like that's one of the things that sets me apart from a lot of life coaches. I know other parenting coaches that are like, man, if you don't fix your relationship right now, your teen's gonna hate you for the rest of your life and you'll never see your grandkids. So better work with me right now if you ever wanna see your grandkids. I'm like, no, you can work with me right now. Or it doesn't matter. Like let things get worse. And 10 years down the road, if you're like, all right Ben, now I want help. Yeah, I'll be here and like. Don't mirror the fear that is being pushed upon us from all the sites. And I think that's one of the things that I've noticed, and I'll give you some more steps to help you with this, but just so you understand why this is important, just like you are a herd animal and you are likely to mirror the same behavior, the same emotional state that your teen is showing, your teen is also a herd animal. And you are like the leader of the pack, if you can be intentional with who you want to be, there's a pretty good chance that your teen will mirror that back to you. And that's powerful. So anything you want to add to any of that?

ur-mom_1_02-18-2026_103903 7:58

No, that's great. I had something I was thinking about and then I was too distracted by your wisdom that it, it left, it'll come back.

ben_8_02-18-2026_093903 8:06

That's code for I talk too long and.

ur-mom_1_02-18-2026_103903 8:08

oh, I remember. shoot. we've talked about like be the change you want to see. So if your teen is angry or your husband or somebody in your life, like you, if you continue to show up and positive or how you want to be, things around you will eventually change. Your environment will have to follow suit. They can't continue to be angry and mad and resentful or whatever emotions they're feeling. If you've changed, if you're not engaging in that behavior or that cycle with them, you know, you change and things will around you will change.

ben_8_02-18-2026_093903 8:42

Yeah, really good. And let's take that concept of like the mirror even deeper. I believe everything going on around you is nothing more than a mirror to educate you, to bring a deeper sense of awareness for you to be that change that you want to be. And if your teen is all grumpy and yelling at you. Look at that as if it is a mirror, man, what is my teen showing me that I could incorporate? Like, man, my teen is yelling at me. I don't like it when my teen yells at me. You know what? He probably doesn't like it when I yell at him either. That's something I can change. And the truth is, your reality is showing you. What you need to work on to be the person that you want to be. And it's kinda like going towards the horizon. Do you guys have horizons out in Chicago like we have here in Utah?

ur-mom_1_02-18-2026_103903 9:35

Probably not gorgeous ones like you have in Utah. It's pretty flat out here, but I do see, yeah, the sun rise on set.

ben_8_02-18-2026_093903 9:42

Okay. Imagine like here in Utah, I can see on the horizon like, oh yeah, there's a pretty mountaintop over there. If I go to that horizon point, if I continue looking out, there's a new horizon point, and this idea of your reality showing you what it is that you need to be working on and areas for growth, you're gonna arrive at a horizon. You're gonna get to the point, like you and I were talking about, like. People in your life that are overreacting and you're like, man, I'm just cool as a cucumber over here doing my thing.

ur-mom_1_02-18-2026_103903 10:15

Yeah.

ben_8_02-18-2026_093903 10:16

Remember when that didn't even seem possible for you and that,

ur-mom_1_02-18-2026_103903 10:20

was overreacting with them like

ben_8_02-18-2026_093903 10:22

yep.

ur-mom_1_02-18-2026_103903 10:23

was worried about everybody else and everything they were doing. Yeah.

ben_8_02-18-2026_093903 10:26

And now here you are cool as a cucumber, and yet there's a new horizon.

ur-mom_1_02-18-2026_103903 10:31

Mm-hmm.

ben_8_02-18-2026_093903 10:32

The beauty of your reality, it will constantly show you things that you can work on. And if you choose to work on that, you're never gonna get to the point that it's like, all right, you're done. There will be the next thing. So let's get back to this concept of mirroring versus modeling. The first step is to really become aware of times where you fall into the trap of mirroring your teenager. And the truth is in the relationship dynamic that you have with your teen. You are always modeling behavior, whether you like it or not. Like if you're cussing out your teen and throwing shoes at'em, you are modeling that behavior. You're telling your teen subconsciously, like this is an appropriate way to handle things. So the goal is to really develop some awareness, because once you have that awareness, you have an increased power to choose. Awareness is hard. Sometimes awareness comes looking back and you're like, dang, like Cortni, like you said earlier, like I wasn't aware of it at the time, but now looking back I can see

ur-mom_1_02-18-2026_103903 11:38

Mm-hmm.

ben_8_02-18-2026_093903 11:39

We want to bring that awareness into the present. Like, oh, now I'm aware of what's happening in the moment. If you know who you want to be, like you have your 10 word vision statement, you know what your identity is as a mom. In that moment where you can have the awareness of, oh, this is one of those times. Either I am mirroring my teen or I'm just about to, you can intentionally choose to be that version of yourself that you wanna be. You know what? I don't wanna be the mom that gets into the panic. I'm gonna be the mom that's like, yeah, that sucks. I'm sorry you're going through that, but I promise you will be okay. And the reality is, if you can take the time to develop your awareness, catch yourself mirroring and simply practice being the parent that you want to be in those situations, sometimes you're gonna suck at it. Sometimes you're gonna kill it and be amazing, but eventually you are going to arrive at a similar point that Cortni has gotten to in this one little example of her life where she's like, wow. I'm here. Like that thing I used to struggle with. I can do it now. It's awesome.

ur-mom_1_02-18-2026_103903 12:46

Mm-hmm.

ben_8_02-18-2026_093903 12:47

Anything you wanna add to that?

ur-mom_1_02-18-2026_103903 12:48

Yeah, I realize I do have an example, but it's not with my teenager. my 9-year-old is a very emotional kid. When things happen, it's the end of the world like so dramatic and it's so maddening and I'm like, buddy, it's not the end of the world. Like, and so I was wondering like, where is he getting this from? Like why is everything so like, ugh. and so I sat back and thought about, and I've been paying attention and being mindful to myself and how I react to things. There's some things I probably. Ruffle my feathers too much about, so I'm trying to be mindful now of like, okay, it's not the end of the world. I'm trying to be that example for him. Like, okay, it's fine. We're, we're just gonna do this. but that's one example of like, he's probably mirroring me and some of my or reactions and so I'm, I'm trying to be more cool, calm and collected with situations and or whatever. I don't everything.

ben_8_02-18-2026_093903 13:39

Yeah. Here's the thing about everything being the end of the world. Doesn't matter which news station you watch. Whatever one you watch, they're going to be putting stuff out in front of you as if it is the end of the world. And it's funny, I, okay, so I live in Utah, guys, this might be a sensitive topic we have been talking about here in Utah. This crazy, wild drought that we have been in for a long, long time. And at like, they use it all the time in like the media to scare the crap outta people. Like we're about to lose the great salt Lake, which I do think we're probably gonna lose the Great Salt Lake, which I'm really sad about. I wish we would be more responsible with our water use upstream anyways, we have all these things that are going to scare us. Here's what I wish we would talk about rather than this scary, awful drought that we've been in for like 10 years. Let's start talking about the fact that Utah is actually a desert.

ur-mom_1_02-18-2026_103903 14:40

I.

ben_8_02-18-2026_093903 14:40

I, people here don't understand it. I, I don't get it. But the narrative, you can see it's something geared to create fear. They're talking about like, oh man, this massive drought, like. People are gonna have brown lawns this year. Yeah. Well, guess what? The desert isn't really a good place to plant a big, huge lawn, which I'm a culprit. I wanted my kids to have a football field to play on in the backyard. We have a big lawn. It might have to be brown this year, but it's not because I'm scared and because, oh my goodness, there's this doubt that's going to, or. This drought that's going to ruin my livelihood or take something away from me? No. It's just the reality that I live in a desert and sometimes deserts go through a really long period of time without rain or snow. Like we got hardly any snow this year.

ur-mom_1_02-18-2026_103903 15:29

Mm-hmm.

ben_8_02-18-2026_093903 15:30

But it doesn't need to be based in fear, and I don't want to have a fear driven reaction. I want my reaction to be. Based more on truth, more on kind of a neutral stance rather than the typical extreme fear driven stance. Does any of that even make sense?

ur-mom_1_02-18-2026_103903 15:49

Yeah. And, but what can you control? Can you control the drought? mean, like, I, it's putting energy, worrying about something that you can't,

ben_8_02-18-2026_093903 15:56

I.

ur-mom_1_02-18-2026_103903 15:57

a lot of control over, and Utah gets hot. I.

ben_8_02-18-2026_093903 16:00

Yeah, he, you asked a good question, what can I control? I can control whether or not I enjoy the reality of what is, and the reality is I live in a desert. My lawn might not be as green, but like some places, some rivers, I don't know if you know this, they have different sets of rapids, so I enjoy river rafting. Probably not like the most extreme river rafting, but enough to get your heart rate up and be like, oh, dang, I could totally die here if I mess up. The thing about river rafting, there are rivers that have one set of rapids during the season where there's a lot of water, or during years where they have more water than normal. And then you miss the rapids that aren't there because they're completely underwater'cause they have too much water. And then during low seasons where the water isn't as high, that's when you have some of the best rapids. I, the goal is, and we'll tie this back to nearing. The goal of mirroring, by the way, isn't to. Or modeling isn't to change your teen. The goal of this modeling and mirroring stuff is to catch yourself where you are, accept the reality of it, and be who you want to be in the face of that. And I feel like that's a huge opportunity that we have here in Utah. Like, oh dang, we're in a desert. A lot of our water models and projections like. We could get into some stuff that y'all don't care about, but like when we built Lake Powell, it was based on water projections. It was an all time wet period of time. It wasn't accurate. We have to readjust and be like, oh yeah. It turns out we're more of a desert than we realized. How can we embrace that? How can we be okay with that since we can't change the water? We can't change how much it snows or how much it doesn't snow. I could water my lawn less. Will that help? Like you start shifting your attention to where you actually have control. Okay, Cortni, I feel like you have failed at your job today and you have. Let me get wildly off track. Cortni's like I didn't know that was my job.

ur-mom_1_02-18-2026_103903 18:07

Oh no, it was interesting. It's, I mean, it's, it's all relative.

ben_8_02-18-2026_093903 18:11

Very true. So let's simplify this process when it comes to modeling the behavior that you want to exhibit. Sometimes it could be modeling the behavior that you wanna see in your teen, but either way, modeling means that you are demonstrating you're being the example of that behavior. So step one. Really take some time, expand your awareness. This gives you an increased power to choose and be intentional. So step one, increase your awareness. I would say step two is really know who you want to be as a parent. Create that definition. If you need a 10 word vision statement, create your 10 word vision statement. At least have an idea like I know.

ur-mom_1_02-18-2026_103903 18:55

because I remember the group coaching call. We did that and I remember I had jazzy. had to take time out. Like you would time us for like five or seven minutes and we'd have to go reflect on this and have some quiet time and think, and then we'd come back and we talk and then we'd have to go reflect and like write things out. It was a process to get to the kind of parent that we wanted to be.

ben_8_02-18-2026_093903 19:17

Yeah.

ur-mom_1_02-18-2026_103903 19:17

That's, that would be nice to revisit that.

ben_8_02-18-2026_093903 19:19

It's a longer process than just that. Like if I'm remembering the same thing, it was on a group coaching call. Super awkward for me, by the way, hosting it because I'm like, I'll set a timer for five minutes. And we're like in silences working on our stuff.

ur-mom_1_02-18-2026_103903 19:33

for us too, but we just went along with it.

ben_8_02-18-2026_093903 19:34

I know, but it was great. Right.

ur-mom_1_02-18-2026_103903 19:36

It, it was because I wouldn't have sat down in silence and thought about things in the way that you asked us to think about them had we not done it.

ben_8_02-18-2026_093903 19:45

Yeah, and the process truly is that simple. And yet even longer because a month out you could be like, dang, I've been trying to be this mom, but you know what, that's not really who I want to be. Let me make a small adjustment. But yeah. Okay, so let's just D deliver a handful of steps. So number one, be more aware. Number two, define your identity as a mom. Like, know who you want to be. And then I would say, just to keep it super simple, that third step practice that identity practice modeling the behavior that you want. I teach a concept called the Wheel of Life, basically just to make this super quick. Find times in your life where life is going well, life is easy, and that's when you want to get reps and practice that intentional behavior and do it with the intention that, Hey, I'm gonna practice this right now in preparation for the next time I catch myself mirroring some undesired behavior. Subconsciously, your mind is way more powerful than probably you or I, or most people give it credit for. If you can practice during top of the wheel moments when parenting is easy, if your subconscious knows, Hey, I'm practicing this for when parenting gets hard, you're gonna start developing a skill. And then your subconscious, when you get into that tough parenting moment, it's gonna be like, Hey, we've practiced this, revert back to what we've practiced. And you'll find yourself in a Cortni moment where everyone around you is going crazy and you're just cool, calm, collected as a cucumber. I don't know why cucumbers are cool, but whatever. And it'll come natural to you. So.

ur-mom_1_02-18-2026_103903 21:28

It felt good and then, it good to be the one was unbothered by everybody else's behavior actions.

ben_8_02-18-2026_093903 21:35

You know what we should talk about on our next episode goes hand in hand with this, but like co-regulation versus self-regulation. cause I can see how those would go hand in hand.

ur-mom_1_02-18-2026_103903 21:48

Yeah, so stay tuned next week.

ben_8_02-18-2026_093903 21:49

Yeah, you heard it here. We're gonna talk about what? What are we talking about again?

ur-mom_1_02-18-2026_103903 21:54

versus self-regulation. I.

ben_8_02-18-2026_093903 21:56

That one's gonna be awesome. Okay, so tune back in next week. those of you, if you have found this beneficial. Please take a minute, go leave me a review. You can do it on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, wherever you listen to podcasts. I'll be honest with you, the only one I really know how to check is Apple Podcast. So if you leave me a review there, I might even read it over the podcast. But the reason that's helpful, if you are struggling with something and this has helped you. I guarantee you there are other parents just like you struggling with the same thing. And sometimes it's just one little review that inspires someone to take the next step and do something different to create change. And you don't have to be out like spreading the word, talking about this stuff all the time, but just one little review could help hundreds of other people. So. If you would be so kind and if you found this helpful, go leave us a review on Apple Podcasts. And with that, we will see you next week to talk about co-regulation and self-regulation.

ur-mom_1_02-18-2026_103903 23:04

See ya.

ben_8_02-18-2026_093903 23:06

See you soon.