How to Raise a More Resilient Teen

Is your teen struggling right now?

Maybe he is stressed, frustrated, disappointed, or ready to give up. And as a parent, you may want to jump in and fix it.

But what if your teen needs some struggle?

In this episode, Ben and Cortni talk about how resilience is built. It does not come from having an easy life. It comes from doing hard things and learning, “I can get through this.”

You’ll learn why rescuing your teen too fast can backfire, why nervousness is not always a bad thing, and how to support your teen without taking over.

Your job is not to make sure your teen never fails.

Your job is to help your teen believe he can get back up.

Are You Caught in the Parent Trap?

Discover the hidden patterns that are keeping you stuck—and how to break free.

Take this quick (and eye-opening) quiz to uncover which common parenting trap you’re falling into with your teen.
 Get a personalized roadmap to help you parent with more clarity, confidence, and connection—starting today.

https://benpughcoaching.com/parenttrapquiz

Transcript

Ben 0:00

I'm Ben Pugh and you're listening to IMPACT! Parenting with Perspective. This podcast is all about helping parents manage the mental and emotional drama that comes with parenting teens so they can focus on what's most important. Building rock solid relationships and having a powerful impact on their teen's life. Join me each week as I dive into real tools to help you and your teen turn struggles into strengths. Hello, welcome back to the podcast. Today we are going to be talking about resilience and how resilience is frustrating, it doesn't feel as easy as it should be, and oftentimes you don't even have resilience until after you've experienced a challenge or disappointment, and that's okay. So if you're a mother of a teenager who is going through a tough phase, maybe you're just a parent who's going through a tough phase yourself, worry, that's just building resilience, and Cortni and I are going to help you make sense of all of that. So let's dive in. Cortni has some nuggets that she's like, "No, I'm not gonna share them with you. I'm just gonna surprise you live," which is what I do to her all the time. And so

Cort 1:27

Mm-hmm.

Ben 1:27

I don't even know what's coming next, but

Cort 1:29

Stay tuned.

Ben 1:30

I know it's gonna be awesome. So here's part of the reason that we're talking about this. I have several teen clients right now, and anyone, if this is your first time, I believe I am the only life coach that proactively works with both parents and teenagers. So at any given time, I have a bunch of parenting clients, I have a bunch of teenage clients, and currently I have a bunch of teenage clients are struggling. And I have parents that email me and say, "Hey, we paid for coaching and my teen is still struggling. What the crap?" Actually, they don't say it like that. But they're like, Your coaching is great. It's helping, and yet my daughter is still struggling with this," or, "My son is still struggling with this." I thought it'd be appropriate that we talk about resilience, and we frame it in a way to help you understand that you actually want your teenager to struggle. want your teen to go through some hard, disappointing, frustrating things because that is actually how resilience is built. So Cortni, what's one of the gold... the secret gold nuggets that you would like to talk about when it comes to resilience?

Cort 2:56

resilience for kids, is something that I have struggled with because I don't like to see my kids struggle or be Upset or uncomfortable. but I know we talked a few months ago about my nine-year-old, and I was worried about him, and you really talked me through this. Like, this is gonna help him build resilience. And as hard as it is to let him go through that, you're absolutely right. so I feel like we as parents come to the rescue too quickly and not allow our children to feel that uncomfortableness and get to the other side to build resilience. because Resilience is getting to the other side, like falling down but getting back up. That's what creates resilience. And I feel like our kid is uncomfortable, and we lift them up by their armpits, and we help them up. Like, we don't let them figure it out on their own.

Ben 3:45

Yeah. Or sometimes even worse, we're like, "Look, mommy will fix this for you. You just sit down right there."

Cort 3:52

Yeah.

Ben 3:53

Yeah. So man, I just had my 10-year-old... How old is your youngest?

Cort 3:58

Jazzy's seven.

Ben 3:59

Seven. Gotcha. Okay, so my youngest is 10. Anyways, he helps me coach football all the time, like goes to morning weights with me, goes to almost all the practices, went to our parent meeting. I'm like, "Dude, you don't have to." He's like, "I'm one of the coaches." like, "Whatever." And the coach is like, "Okay, all the players are going to get a player pack. 150 bucks." And on the way home, he's like, "Dad, I want a player pack." I'm like, "Okay, well, how much are they?" He's like, "150 bucks." Okay, what, what are you going to do to come up with 150 bucks?" And he had all these ideas, Well, I'll take care of the neighbor's pets when they go out of town. I'll mow t the lawn." We have a really big yard, and we have a riding lawnmower, so mowing the lawn isn't that hard. Plus, it's like Deb's favorite thing to do. Like, I remember going to church one week and Deb was like nine months pregnant, and someone's like, "I saw your wife out there mowing the lawn. You must be a terrible husband." I'm like, She loves it." I can't take that from her. But anyways, so my 10-year-old is like, "Yeah, I wanna make money to buy this player pack." I'm not telling him, by the way, that our head coach is like, "Oh, he doesn't need to pay for it. I'll just get him one." But I want him to earn the money. I want him to be able to pay for it, and then I wanna surprise him. Like, "Look, even have to pay for it. Now you have 150 bucks that you can do something else with." Anyways, we have this patch of land that- Has a weed barrier, which is nice, but weeds can still... Like, a seed can land on the weed barrier, go down through it, and still grow. Anyways, and it also has gravel. And I'm like, That has been neglected. I will pay you 20 bucks to weed that whole thing." And at 20 bucks to a 10-year-old, he's like, "Oh yeah, that's a lot, a lot of money. I'll do it." there's a reason I'm paying him 20 bucks. It's also going to be hard. It's a pretty big area. There's a lot of weeds. I'm like, "Look, do this big area all at once, you get 20 bucks, I'll pay you three to four bucks a week to maintain it." After about 10 minutes, he's like, "Yeah, I don't want to earn my money that way."

Cort 6:16

Mm-hmm.

Ben 6:18

"Yeah, I'm sorry. Like, here's the thing. I want you to learn how to work hard. That's going to be your chore whether you like it or not, and you can get paid, or you can just not have privileges if you choose not to do that." And he's like, "Dad, I just, I wanna make money. I just don't wanna do it the hard way." And I'm like, "Well, what other ways do you got? You're a 10-year-old kid." And just watching him, like, he's struggling. There are daddy long legs out there, and he is convinced that these daddy long legs are gonna kill him.

Cort 6:51

Well, they will. He's not wrong.

Ben 6:54

And, like, it's a little bit hard. honestly, if I went out there, I could probably have that whole thing weeded in about half an hour. And this dude is probably, when you add up all the times that he goes out and actually does it, it's probably gonna take four hours to do it. I, I don't even know. But I want him to struggle. I want him to have to figure that out. I want him to experience a level of boredom. I want him to experience some displeasure, some dissatisfaction. resilience is kind of what comes at the end of that. Like, "Oh, look, did that. It was hard. If I can do that, I can do other hard things."

Cort 7:38

Well, how many things in life as you get-- grow up and you're an adult do you have to do that you don't want to do that are hard? Like allowing them to figure it out that they can get through it now is amazing.

Ben 7:51

Yeah.

Cort 7:55

is, but when we always come to the rescue and our kids feel something uncomfortable, they get anxious. Like we have to let them struggle, but also let them know that they're supported, like that they'll get through this. You know, we're not abandoning you, but you can do it. We have to give them the confidence that they can do it,

Ben 8:12

Yeah.

Cort 8:12

that we believe that they can do

Ben 8:14

Yeah.

Cort 8:15

it.

Ben 8:15

I have a young lady that I'm working with. She's a really good soccer player, and just, I think she's a freshman. I can't remember. Anyways, she's getting varsity time, and the varsity coach is asking her to play a different position, and the mom's like, "She's not as good at that position. She's struggling." And I'm like, "Good. Let her struggle." Like, being a longtime football coach and being around sports, some of the best athletes are the best athletes because of how stubborn they are, and in the face of struggle, don't give up, and they're like, "I'm just gonna keep working at this." And this young lady who's the good soccer player, like, helping her manage her mind around the struggle, around the nervousness. like, "Some of the older girls don't like me because I'm so young, and I'm taking away their playing time." And I'm like, "Yeah, you can't control they think and how they feel. Manage what's within your control." And the reason we're talking about this today is to really understand that even with coaching, your teen can still struggle. In fact, I would say like it's not going to eliminate the struggles, but it might help them get through some lower level challenges move on to the next level. there's young man that I'm working with right now. He's kind of the opposite. He's a senior. He's graduating, and he's doing track. And I coached him in football, I'm coaching him in track, and he has dealt, he has dealt with struggles. Like I don't even think they won a football game, like they're not very good. He's doing track. He rolled his ankle really badly. He's like, "I had the best throw of the season, but I scratched because I rolled my ankle, and I accidentally crossed the line." the thing to keep in mind, if you're a parent listening to this, coaching is not going to eliminate struggles, and that's good because if we eliminated struggles, your teen would have zero resilience. let's look at this from a slightly different angle. Cortni, is there anything in your life that you're struggling with right now? Besides your annoying podcast co-host

Cort 10:37

Yeah. That-- I, I've accepted that's always gonna be a struggle. I mean, I feel like I have a lot of the struggles that a, that a lot of parents deal with, just like the daily teenage, like, wants nothing to do with me. I'm struggling with my son's volleyball team, and not him necessarily 'cause he's playing. He starts, um, and he starts above seniors. Just watching what's happening to all the other boys and seeing how hard it is for them and watching them feel defeated or deflated. You know, there's one mom that's really-- has really struggled with it, and I've supported her in that because I empathize. But at, at one point I was Like, "We are very emotional. Let him navigate this without, you know, the mom emotions. Like, he will get through it. Like, your son is a super smart kid. He's a great kid. Like, just allow him to go on this path and he'll be okay. It'll teach him to be more..." I did say more resilient, but yeah.

Ben 11:34

let him process his own emotions. Don't

Cort 11:37

Mm-hmm.

Ben 11:37

yours too. Like,

Cort 11:39

Yeah. He did tell her, he's like, "Mom, you're stressing me out." And that's when I was like, "All right. Maybe just let him, you know, navigate this." 'Cause it's hard. It's hard to watch him be sad. I get it.

Ben 11:50

Yeah. Well, a lot of parents, I feel like think that resilience means my teen has life figured out and they're now done struggling. And the difference in what I believe about resilience is that resilience is almost like this muscle that has to be exercised.

Cort 12:10

Mm-hmm.

Ben 12:10

out, and the tough, hard moments, how you handle those, that is you being resilient. So Cortni, when you tell me, "Yeah, I'm struggling with the same stuff that parents all over the world are struggling with,"

Cort 12:26

Mm-hmm.

Ben 12:28

In the act of being resilient. And I think sometimes a lot of parents, we buy into this old idea that you either have resilience or you don't. And I hear this all the time. They're like, "Oh, teens today, they're just not resilient. They don't have it." And I'm like, No." Like human beings, it's like We all have a brain. just how many of us choose not to use it, especially with ChatGPT nowadays. We all have resilience, but how many of us are choosing not to use it? And to make

Cort 13:00

Mm-hmm.

Ben 13:01

worse, how many parents are taking away their teen's opportunities to flex that muscle and practice that skill?

Cort 13:11

Yeah, absolutely. I think a lot of us do. It's hard to see your kid uncomfortable.

Ben 13:16

Yeah. So let's talk about when it comes to resilience, and I love the conversation that you had with one of your son's teammate's moms. Like, just let him go through that. A lot of parents really struggle with that. They're like, "What? I'm supposed to let my kid struggle?" Like, no, that's not what good parents do. Good parents swoop in and save them. What are some ways parents could look at this to feel better about letting their kids struggle?

Cort 13:46

Um, one thing that's helped me is knowing that they will get through this and learning earlier on will make it easier for them when they're older. I feel like our challenges only get harder as we get older. I'm not sure how they could look at it to make it easier for them. Just finding comfort in knowing that it's something that's gonna help them in the long run. We need to let them struggle.

Ben 14:09

Yeah. a conversation with a bunch of eighth graders the other day, which is really easy for me to sound profound when I'm talking to eighth graders, but

Cort 14:18

Mm-hmm.

Ben 14:20

weights with our next year's freshman football team, and there's a few kids that were just really disappointed. They've never lifted weights before, and first time you start lifting weights, like, your body is strong enough to do more than you can actually do, don't have the down, and your muscles aren't firing at the right time, and it just hard. And I was talking to some of these kids and I'm like: Look, lifting weights, here's the thing, it never gets easier. an argument could be made that it only gets harder because as you get stronger, you're just gonna push yourself even harder. You're gonna lift heavier weights, you're gonna do more reps, you're gonna... Like, whatever it is. And I talked to these young men, I'm like: of what we're doing isn't... Like, it's not only about getting stronger, about building your capacity to do hard things. And right now, some of you guys don't have much capacity. Like, I watch you do one set and you're like, "Oh, I'm sore. I'm gonna take a break." And you just... You don't have the capacity that you're going to need if you want to be a good football player

Cort 15:33

mm-hmm.

Ben 15:34

Is to help guide you through this struggle, help you make sense of it. Like, no, it doesn't mean you're weak or you're not meant to be a football player. It just means you've got some more work to do. And I feel like a lot of times as parents We don't come into it with that mindset. We haven't embraced the opportunities for resilience, which most people just call like trials, hardships, struggles, whatever. But we haven't really embraced it with a mentality of, is

Cort 16:06

Mm-hmm.

Ben 16:22

the time. like, yeah. You know, like it would seem like I'm a bad parent because most other parents would be like, "Oh no, let me drop everything so I can come your butt." And I'm like, "Yeah, that sucks. What you gonna do about it now?"

Cort 16:37

Mm-hmm.

Ben 16:38

like my son, he didn't get to play as much varsity time as we would've liked, there's another kid who got more varsity time, and he's not as good, but does track. He's putting in a lot of work. He's doing all this other stuff. And that's one of the hard parts for me because I want my teen to get more varsity time. I want him to do all the stuff. I want him to be in the weight room. I want him playing basketball all the time. But that's not my problem to figure out. his. need

Cort 17:08

Mm-hmm.

Ben 17:08

trust him and let him figure it out his way, and trust that that is building his capacity. Because whatever he's struggling with today exactly what he needs expand his capacity so he can handle whatever's coming around the corner in like five years, 10 years, 20 years.

Cort 17:28

Yeah. Like, sorry, brain fart. I was thinking sometimes, like, criticism or rejection or failure or discomfort, we're challenged in those areas as we get older. So using sports for an example, how you respond to those things while you're on the court, is a big sign as to how resilient you are. If you can just keep your head up and keep going, like you have been through struggles, you've learned how to navigate that emotional uncomfortability. So real resilience isn't-- Real resilience is emotional endurance. Like, if you can push through, through all those uncomfortable feelings.

Ben 18:07

Yeah. Ooh, was that one of your secret nuggets? Because that was

Cort 18:10

It didn't come out right. It was-- It sounded really good when I said it to myself, but yeah.

Ben 18:15

that was awesome. I love

Cort 18:17

That emotional endurance, that one?

Ben 18:19

That's what resilience is. It's just

Cort 18:21

Yeah.

Ben 18:22

endurance.

Cort 18:23

Mm-hmm.

Ben 18:24

Went to a coaches clinic at a local college, and one of the

Cort 18:30

Mm-hmm.

Ben 18:48

Has this kid ever been dumped? How did he handle that? And what happened... Has there ever been a death in the family? How did he handle that? Has he ever had to work a job?" Like they wanna know how are you handling these tough real-life moments, because that's a pretty good indicator as to how you'll handle it on the field. And one of the things that I think is important to bring up, and say this at the risk of hurting some of y'all's feelings. If I hurt your feelings, I'm sorry. reach out to me. I'll

Cort 19:23

Personal apology

Ben 19:24

personal apology. We'll hop on a Zoom call, and I will help you manage your own emotional... How did you put it again?

Cort 19:32

emotional endurance.

Ben 19:33

Yeah. Anyways, where I'm going with this is I think and I think our current school system and even like some sports coaches, and, oh, I would even say even some life coaches and therapists, we are accidentally preventing our teenagers from developing their resilience. And part of the problem is that oftentimes like... Oh my goodness, this drives me nuts, by the way. When people label stress or anxiety as dangerous and this thing that should be avoided at all cost. When I coach football, the first question I ask right before our first game is I'm like, "All right, dudes, many of y'all are nervous?" And these are big, tough football players, and not a single one of them will raise their hand. And then I ask them again, and I'm like, "Guys, be honest with me. How many of you are nervous?" And I raise my hand. then all the kids are like, "Oh, well, if coach is nervous, I can be nervous." And we

Cort 20:34

Mm-hmm.

Ben 20:34

it. Like, "Guys, what does it mean to be nervous? Like, why are you nervous?" And usually the kids

Cort 20:40

I

Ben 20:40

be like, "I don't wanna lose." "Yeah, I don't either. The fact that you're nervous tells me that you care about the game."

Cort 20:46

s-- I us-- I tell my children that all the time because I feel like, my spouse, he never admits to being nervous. And so when Maxwell's nervous, I'm like, "It's okay, buddy. It just means you care. It means you wanna do good. It's okay to feel nervousness. It's not a bad thing."

Ben 21:01

Yeah. And I always tell my kids, like: Look, I would rather have someone in the game who wants to win, who cares about the outcome, than someone who's like, "I don't care. I'm just

Cort 21:13

Yeah.

Ben 21:13

whatever the snacks are that mom's handing out after the game." And the thing is, like, there's a balance. overly focus on winning. Like, I tell my players this all the time. We can't control whether or not we win or lose. There are things that we can control that make it more likely we'll either win or lose, and we need to control those things. And so, like, I don't want them being overly nervous. I don't want them just focusing like, "Oh, I hope we win. I hope we don't lose. I hope we win." I want them to understand, "Oh, I'm feeling nervous because I want to win, and that's a good thing. what's within my control that I need to focus on?" Like, it's my job. And I feel like a lot of parents, lot of a lot of life coaches doing kids a disservice when they treat stress, anxiety, nervousness as if it's dangerous or as if it's something that needs to be removed. And the other thing I see a lot is we look at failure and we think, "Oh man, that's the end of the world." Like, your teen's life should not look like a movie. Like, when I have parents reach out to me and they're like, "Hey, you've done coaching, and my kid isn't winning the games." Yeah, but how is he handling How

Cort 22:31

Mm-hmm.

Ben 22:32

up? I coached one young man, he's actually a really good example. There was... is years ago. He was a big-time wrestler. He was... There was this one kid in his region that he had never beaten, and he was a senior. He's like, I just can't get past this kid." I'm like, "Well, let's work on some of this. Let's do some envisioning." Well, then he beat the kid for the first time. He's like, "Oh my goodness, I can do this thing." And then they ended up, like, in the state bracket, he had to wrestle that kid again, and he's like, "Man, I hope I can beat him." He beat him even worse.

Cort 23:06

Fortitude?

Ben 23:07

And it's just like this movie or this fairy tale. Like, "Oh, I beat the giant that I couldn't beat before, and then I beat him again." And it's just wrestling. He's doing amazing, in the final round and takes second place. And he's like, What the crap? I thought I was supposed to win first." It's like: you're not living in a movie. Reality happens, and coaching isn't about guaranteeing the win Coaching is about developing the resilience that regardless of the outcome, you have the tools and the

Cort 23:38

emotional

Ben 23:42

what

Cort 23:42

endurance.

Ben 23:43

Yeah, to handle whatever the outcome is. Emotional endurance. I should just write that down.

Cort 23:49

Yeah. It's funny we're talking about-- You said something that made me think. My best friend right now is going through something at her work, and she's so stressed. Like, she's like, "I've never been this stressed." And so I just sent her an encouraging message this morning, and I was like, You know, I don't want you to be stressed. Focus on the things that you can control. Find comfort in knowing that you weren't in the wrong." And I said, "In my life, some of the most-- what felt like the most devastating situations have become some of my biggest blessings, and you'll get through it." Like, I basically gave her a resilience talk. Like, "You'll be fine. I'm, I'm not worried about it. What will be will be.

Ben 24:26

And

Cort 24:27

be uncomfortable."

Ben 24:28

yeah, look at everything you've gotten through up to this point.

Cort 24:31

Mm-hmm.

Ben 24:32

feel like we get into a tough situation and we're like, "Oh no, know if I can handle it this time." It's like, look at all the other times you have.

Cort 24:40

Yeah.

Ben 24:40

You'll be fine. let me give you just a different angle to look at this. I feel like really good sports coaches, they don't resistance from their practices. Like, they're intentionally ramping up the resistance, like making their players work hard, they're using this resistance to build strength, to build capacity. As a parent, that's your job, but in terms of parenting and your teenager, not coach and player. so don't fall in the trap of being like, "Well, I need to make my life's or my child's life as easy as possible." feel like that's one of the traps that I fall into. Like, when I was a kid, we did not have money, and when my parents were like, "Yeah, if you want new school clothes, like gonna have to earn some money. You're gonna have to help." My kids have never had to worry about that.

Cort 25:34

Mm-hmm.

Ben 25:35

My job to be like, where am I removing all resistance and where can I help my kids experience some resistance to help them build their capacity? Because the truth is, even with AI and everything that we have, actually... We don't have to talk about this today, but I think things are gonna get harder in the future. I think we are going to have, as a species, a huge identity crisis because so much of our identity has been wrapped up in surviving and providing for our family and taking care of needs. And I think- When we fully embrace where technology is, there's gonna be jobs that we don't need to do anymore because we got machines and robots and AI, and we're gonna lose our sense of identity. You're gonna have dads that are like, "Well, now what am I good for?" And we're gonna have teenage boys that are like, "Well, I don't need to go break my back working hard. I don't need to go hunt and kill stuff for the herd. Like, what am I here for?"

Cort 26:37

Mm-hmm.

Ben 26:39

manage the struggles that they have in their life and truly embrace the identity of being resilient, they will be very well positioned to handle whatever the future throws at them.

Cort 26:54

Yeah.

Ben 26:54

Yeah.

Cort 26:55

Kids today have a lot fewer, like, micro struggles. Like, if you think about our childhood, oh, quite a while ago, Like kids nowadays have constant entertainment. They're never bored, right? And I feel like sometimes when they're bored, they're given something to make them not bored. just little things like that. My sister was telling me a story recently where in first grade-- Actually, she told my children and I was there. In first grade, she was responsible for getting herself up, getting ready for school, and getting to that bus. She's like, "I would even curl my hair." Can you imagine letting your first grader get themselves up, get ready for school, and get to the bus?

Ben 27:29

Yeah. So if you're the type of parent and you're wondering, What can I do to help my teen be more resilient?" Here's what I would say: trust your teen's reality. They have struggles. They're gonna get dumped by a boyfriend or a girlfriend. They're gonna have a teacher that they don't like. one of my clients has a coach that she just couldn't stand, like, I don't know. I haven't coached the coach. I wish I could, but I don't know. It seems like it'd be really hard. Trust me, your teenagers are going to struggle, and the next time that happens, I want you to have a little bit of awar- awareness. Catch your teen in the struggle and really explore: who do I want to be as a parent? do I want to empower my teenager as they go through this? And what are some things that I need to avoid so I don't just take over and make their life too easy?

Cort 28:35

Yeah. Great. Yeah, our job isn't to make sure that our kids never, never fail. It's to help them believe that they can get back up.

Ben 28:43

Yeah. Exactly. Okay. anything else you wanna add before we turn the people loose?

Cort 28:51

Let them go

Ben 28:52

all right. let you go, but be on your best behavior. Okay. we'll be back next week. just keep on being the best

Cort 29:01

Keep

Ben 29:01

that you can be. Keep on...

Cort 29:02

it on.

Ben 29:03

you say? Keep on

Cort 29:04

Keep on keeping on.

Ben 29:05

All right, guys, talk to you soon