How to Stop Reacting and Start Enjoying Your Teen Again

Do you feel like you are always reacting to your teen?

You ask a question.
They push back.
You get frustrated.
They shut down.
Then you feel guilty.

In this episode, I talk with Sarah Mueller, a mom of four boys and the founder of The Decluttering Club.

Sarah shares how coaching helped her feel more calm, clear, and equipped as a parent. She talks about what changed in her home, why she feels more connected to her kids, and how she started enjoying parenting again.

We also talk about one of her favorite tools: the Wheel of Life.

This tool helps parents see that hard moments do not mean they are failing. Hard moments can show us what we need to practice.

If you are an overwhelmed mom of a teen boy, this episode will help you see that you do not have to wait for your teen to change before you start showing up differently.

You can lead with more calm.
You can connect with your teen.
You can stop reacting so much.
And you can enjoy your teen again.

Take the Parent Trap Quiz:
https://benpughcoaching.com/parent-trap-quiz

Learn more about Sarah and Decluttering Club Live:
https://lv.thedeclutteringclub.com/dc-live-2026

Are You Caught in the Parent Trap?

Discover the hidden patterns that are keeping you stuck—and how to break free.

Take this quick (and eye-opening) quiz to uncover which common parenting trap you’re falling into with your teen.
 Get a personalized roadmap to help you parent with more clarity, confidence, and connection—starting today.

https://benpughcoaching.com/parent-trap-quiz

Transcript

Ben 0:00

I'm Ben Pugh and you're listening to IMPACT! Parenting with Perspective. This podcast is all about helping parents manage the mental and emotional drama that comes with parenting teens so they can focus on what's most important. Building rock solid relationships and having a powerful impact on their teen's life. Join me each week as I dive into real tools to help you and your teen turn struggles into strengths. Hello, everyone. Welcome back to the podcast you're in for a treat. One of my all-time favorite coaches, one of my favorite clients, is here joining us on the podcast. And just a quick intro for her, she's one of my clients that sometimes I get off the coaching call and I'm like, "I think somehow I got more out of that coaching call, and I benefited more than she did." today we have Sarah Mueller. She runs a membership, right? For people who want- Mm-hmm to declutter their lives.

Sarah 1:10

Mm-hmm.

Ben 1:10

Awesome. Tell us a little bit about who you are, what you do, and why you came to me.

Sarah 1:16

Okay. Wow, what an introduction. Thank you so much, Ben. I, I receive that. I appreciate that. I love working with you, for the record, as you know. my name is, Sarah Mueller. I live in Pennsylvania. I have four boys. They are 15... At the moment they are 15, 19, 22 and 26. I'm a single mom. I've been running The Decluttering Club now for eight-ish years. Yeah, and, we really want to help people have less stuff and more life, right? In all areas. So it's like the stuff, right? It's your closet, it's your junk drawer, it's your garage, but it's also like in your head. because really, like what, what is going on in your house is just a symptom of what's going on inside your head. So that's what I do professionally. But as you know, you know, like parenting is not for the faint of heart. It's not for the weak. And, what was it now? It's been, I don't know, four or five months? Something like that.

Ben 2:14

Yeah, probably three or four, somewhere

Sarah 2:16

in there. Three or four months. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I was going through a situation and I was like, "Oh my gosh, I, I don't, I don't know how to handle this," like with my kids, right? And I'm not gonna get into details there obviously, but I was just like, "I, I want... I need some more tools," right? I'm, I'm so committed to coaching, and I understand how powerful it is, and I was like, "I don't, I don't know how to handle this, and so I need to get some, some professional advice on board." And a friend of mine said, "You have to talk to Ben." "Ben is the guy." So I reached out, and we had a great call, and I was like, "Let's go. Let's do it." So we've been working together now for three, four months, and it's literally I feel like, I feel like I'm a superhero now in terms of parenting. And not that I have it all figured out, obviously I'm still human. but I was just telling you before we started recording, right? I'm so in love with my kids. Yeah. so freaking in love with my kids. I can't even believe it. It's, it's like the best... I feel like this is the best time that we have had, since they were babies. just everything is working so well, and I just, I just feel equipped now, which is a great place to be.

Ben 3:24

Yeah. I love that, and I love your analogy. "I feel like a superhero with my kids." I don't have it all figured out, which the best superhero movies-

Sarah 3:35

Mm

Ben 3:35

the superheroes don't have it figured out either. Like usually- Oh, that's true they go through a process. They get their butt kicked. They have to- redefined themselves, like-

Sarah 3:39

Yes tapping

Ben 3:40

into an inner strength. And honestly, that's what I feel like I help parents do. you don't know everything, but now you're equipped. you know- Mm-hmm that you have expanded to the point where it doesn't matter what your teenagers throw at you- Mm-hmm you have the capacity. You can handle whatever comes your way.

Sarah 3:59

I'll, I'll figure it out, right? And they will.

Ben 4:01

Yeah.

Sarah 4:02

It will happen. It is guaranteed. Sooner or later something's gonna come up. Yeah, yeah. And we'll figure it out, right? it's not like I look forward to, you know, anything going wrong or a catastrophe or anything like that. But, but yeah, I do feel like, okay, I can handle it, which is a lot, you know, f- having four kids is kind of a lot of kids. Yeah. it just feels like a lot to me. I don't know. You kn- you can relate to that as well.

Ben 4:26

also, like, when I was principal, so I don't know if you know this, but, my first year as a principal, I lost a student to suicide. Okay.

Sarah 4:34

Hmm.

Ben 4:34

they were... Our school was on the verge of being shut down. Oh, wow. And fortunately, I had learned all of the self-coaching tools, but I had never been confronted with a challenge- Hmm that big.

Sarah 4:50

Wow.

Ben 4:50

And I remember that first year as a principal, cause I had only been a teacher for a few years, I was young, didn't have experience, every single day I went to work nervous-

Sarah 5:03

Mm-hmm

Ben 5:03

dreading what might happen. Mm-hmm. And then I had a friend who was like, "Ben, you have been through the worst possible scenario, and you made it. And you have tools that help you." And, shortly before this, I was having panic attacks at night, like 2:00 in the morning. I'd wake up, think I was having a heart attack, and she really helped me put together, "Ben, you have these skills."

Sarah 5:30

Mm-hmm.

Ben 5:30

You can use them here. Here's how you have been using them. Here's areas where you can use them even more." And man, that next year I remember just going to work, the panic was gone, the dread was gone. Wow. I just felt confident. Whatever comes my way, I have the tools to- Mm-hmm handle it. And like you said, you're more in love with your kids than ever. I, I enjoyed the, my last four years as a high school principal more than I probably should have. every day I was like, "Oh my goodness, I get to go hang out with my favorite people," and it was

Sarah 6:04

just- Who says that, right? what principal says that? So

Ben 6:06

that's gotta be remarkable. Yeah, no, not many. I, I always had to remind my teachers, "Guys, school does not have to be boring. Let's find a way to make it a party with a purpose. Let's make it fun."

Sarah 6:17

Love it. Yeah. Oh my gosh, that's amazing.

Ben 6:20

So l- let me ask you this. What is- What is one of the tools that you feel like helped you the most? And- Mm-hmm how did that help you with your team? help, help us see the tool and help us see the benefit and the result that you got from using that.

Sarah 6:37

man, I, there's, there's a few that I just I just li- I guess I'll... So the one that I keep, I keep telling everybody, like telling all my friends about this one, and I just love the way that you teach it, right? So it's the wheel of life, right? The wheel of life. It's the idea that life is a wheel, right? Just, oh, I love this so much. That life is a wheel, and sometimes we're at the top of the wheel, right? That, which means everything is going amazing, right? And we're like, "I got this covered. I am winning. I am like the best parent ever," right? And we're like, "Woo," "Nothing can touch me," right? That's the top of the wheel. But wheels go round and round, so you might be in the top of wheel now, but someday, maybe it's tomorrow, maybe it's later today, maybe it's next month, you're gonna be in the bottom wheel, which just means, you're getting squished. you're getting pummeled. Things are going wrong. You are not winning. it sucks, right? And we've all had that as parents. we all have those moments, for sure. and so the idea is that when you're at the bottom of the wheel is when you get to apply the lessons that you learned at the top, and we don't wanna waste either, either experience, and it's gonna come around. if you're at the bottom, if you're getting pummeled, it's not gonna last forever. and you just kinda have to kind of maybe just hold on. You're gonna be at the top at some point. and just, knowing that I think has been really, really valuable. and als- it also kinda mitigates the highs, right? Because I think sometimes when you're, when things are going well, you sort of forget, and you think you're never gonna be, like, in the dumps again. And then if, if you think that, then you're surprised when it shows up. Yeah. Right? You're gonna be disappointed. Versus... Yeah, yeah. So you don't wanna be shocked and think I thought I was a good mom," "How did this happen?" it's not about being a good mom or not being a good mom. It's just that these things come around. So I love that, and I think that has just really helped me with my kids, and just, made me aware of, these little moments that I can take advantage of. and I, you know, I don't know. I don't think I've taught this to the kids. I need to do that. I think I've mentioned it to, I've mentioned to everybody else, but, I need to, I need to share it with them because it's so good. So yeah, that's my favorite.

Ben 8:42

Yeah. I love it. And the truth is, I use that concept even in football practice. Mm-hmm. And I tell my players all the time, y- it's the little things that will win you or lose you games, and if we can identify top of the wheel moments to practice the skills that we think we're gonna need, the more reps we can get at the top of the wheel, the more naturally it's going to show up- Mm-hmm at the bottom of the wheel. And sometimes the bottom of the wheel, if you just suck at, I don't know, maybe there's a certain thing between you and your teen that really triggers you, and- Mm-hmm you just fly off the handle, get super upset Sometimes the bottom of the wheel does a really good job of informing you, "Hey, this is what we need to work on at the top." and when you can open your awareness and start looking for opportunities, like the human brain really just needs a sense of direction. Mm. And if you can identify something at the bottom of the wheel and be like, "I need to develop this skill, I'm gonna start looking for opportunities at the top of the wheel," with that direction, your mind is gonna be like, "Oh, here's an opportunity." Mm-hmm. "Here's an opportunity." Yeah.

Sarah 9:54

Sure. F-

Ben 9:54

funny thing about the bottom of the wheel, that's... Or the top, the whole wheel of life, that's one of my favorite things to teach There was a teenager that I was working with. actually at the last, Brooke Castillo mastermind I went to in Austin, I think that's when you and I were there. I got to hang out in person with one of my teenage clients. Ooh. And the fun thing about this teenage client, he was a knucklehead, and his parents got to the point where they're like, "We're not paying for him to get coaching anymore because he's not changing." And I'm like, "Yeah, totally makes sense." Well, then I got paid, and he's back on my calendar, and I'm like, "Well, this is weird. apparently they changed their mind." On that first call, this teen was like, I paid for myself to get coaching because I need more of what you have to offer." And the cool thing is, towards the end of our time working together when he had paid me, I went and hung out with him in Austin, and we're eating dinner together with his whole family, and this kid is teaching his family the Wheel of Life. And he's like, The Wheel of Life is like traveling up a mountain or something." Mm-hmm. And he's "The longer you are aware of the wheel and you stick with it, your bottom of the wheel moments are probably going to be higher than last week's-" Oh "top of the wheel moments." I'm like, "Oh my goodness-" Wow "this is so good." And this is, a 17 or 18-year-old young man-

Sarah 11:20

Mm-hmm

Ben 11:20

teaching this. And one of the things I like to tell parents, like, when they're like, "I don't know if we can figure out how to work with you, financially," I'm like, "Look, if a 17-year-old can figure it out..." he- Mm he would tell me how many windows he had to wash. Mm. He's "We had to do so many window jobs so I could afford to do this." And I'm like, th- that's... I teach the concept the difference between resources and being resourceful.

Sarah 11:46

Mm.

Ben 11:46

And man, that young man just tapped into- Wow resourceful mode and anyways.

Sarah 11:52

Really, huh? Wow. So fun. Yeah. So

Ben 11:53

I love that you love the Wheel of Life. how quickly were you able to start seeing things change within yourself, within your family dynamic? Mm.

Sarah 12:04

You know, I think, I think I saw changes, right away. I mean, you know, I've, I've mentioned to you, I really like, I really like working one-on-one, you know, getting help one-on-one. I just feel like that's really effective for me. so yeah, I saw... I mean, and each week- Right? I would show up and we, maybe I had something that was going on, or maybe there were, you know, we had a couple weeks where we had some pretty, pretty significant challenges. but I feel like I came away with every, every, from every session, going, "Okay, now again, I'm equipped," right? And, you know, going back to what you were saying about, having a panic attack, I think, anxiety is because we don't have a plan, right? If you have a plan, now it doesn't, you know, you might still be, like, worried about stuff. Yeah. But you're like, "Okay, I know I, I have, you know, I have plan B here if, if whatever, if this all falls apart," I know what I'm gonna do, and that's, the difference between, you know, being in panic mode versus being like, "Okay, I don't... I hope this doesn't, I hope I don't need this," right? Yeah. We, we hope we don't need the life vest when the sh- when the ship goes down, but at least we have one and we know, okay, well, we can hang onto that. So- Yeah I feel like it was just super actionable. which I guess is the nice, the way that you work is you're just, we're showing up and you're like, "Okay, what's going on," right? So then you give the tool that I needed in the moment, and I was able to apply it, pretty, pretty quickly.

Ben 13:30

Yeah. And the way I try and teach it, I want it to be so simple, so- Mm-hmm actionable that it's easy to do and start- Yeah getting those reps. And I, I'm sorry to do this, but to tie it back to football- Mm-hmm I live in a small town, and sometimes we play bigger schools, and bigger schools typically have more bigger bodies. Mm-hmm. Anyways, it is one of the things that I love is having the other team outweigh us. Mm-hmm. They have dudes that you can tell are athletes, and we're maybe the small, little scrappy team. And man, we walk into that game with as much confidence as possible because we have a plan. Yeah. We know that we have put the work in at the top of the wheel, and we're prepared for whatever happens. And the other thing, this is weird. This is not what most coaches do. I teach my players we're not attached to whether we win or lose. Like- We can't control whether we win or lose. We're attached. We wanna show up and be the best man that we can be. And chances are, if we do that, we're gonna win.

Sarah 14:40

Mm.

Ben 14:40

But if we don't win, how did we do playing within ourselves, playing true to our identity? And the same is true for parents. Like, when you have these skills, you can show up with confidence, and you're not attached to what your team does or doesn't do because you know who you wanna be. And the goal isn't to change your team, the goal is to be the parent that parents in alignment with your identity and who you want to be. And I feel like you mastered that last. Yeah, I feel like at the beginning...

Sarah 15:07

You told me that at the beginning, and I was like, "Yeah, yeah, yeah." I, you know, I'm just like, "Yeah, sure. Okay, fine." "But tell me what to do," right? And I think... But I think that's kinda what we do, isn't it? It's like we think, you know, I've never... I, I've read lots of parenting books. I don't think I'd ever done... I certainly had never, done anything one-on-one. I don't think I'd ever taken, a program before. So I was, I was like, "Well, I'm, I'm kinda winging it in terms..." And my oldest is 26, so I've been winging it for a long time, and I think I'm pretty good at it, right? I, I showed up sort of thinking, "I, I kinda know how to parent." And also, I, I was winging it, you know? Yeah. And so now I've got tools and, and now I do know, now we went through that exercise, who do I wanna be? what does it look like for me to be a good mom? That's gonna look different than, you know, for someone else. Yeah. So I literally defined it, and once you define it and now you have tools, now you can actually, execute on that, which is completely different than, you know, being like, "Well, you know, I think this is what I should do in this situation," you know? Yeah. Or, or being really, really reactive. I guess that's what we don't wanna be, right? We don't want to have our kids being, pushing our buttons, and then we just, we just respond. No, I wanna know what am I gonna do in s- different situations.

Ben 16:27

Yeah. I love that. Let me ask you one more question, and then I'll kinda- Okay let you tell us a little bit about what you have going on because-

Sarah 16:35

Okay

Ben 16:36

if any of my listeners are anything like me, they could probably benefit from a little decluttering in their life. Maybe. But first, I... What is one thing, if you could- Just give a message, like either to your past self that you know is like- Mm about to experience this, or even just to people who are listening. if you could give them just one takeaway that is, "Hey, if you want a better relationship with your teen, or if you want to enjoy the experience of parenting your teens more, I would do this," like what would that gold nugget be?

Sarah 17:11

Hmm. If you want to enjoy parenting your teens more. Hmm. I think one thing that's super important to me is just to accepting my kids for who they are. Yeah. and- Yeah I think I was pretty good at this before, and you've had to remind me, right? it's been a really good reminder of like not, not getting into their models, not being attached. Yeah so I think that is... that's like the secret to, to enjoying your kids is like they don't ha- your kids don't have to be anyone who they're not, right? And we can just accept them and, you know, just enjoy where- wherever they are right now. And I think the other thing is like just not being in a hurry, you know? Like when my kids were little, they were such terrible sleepers. it was so awful, and I remember thinking, "I just can't wait until they sleep through the night," right? Yeah. And th- but then they do eventually, and th- now you just missed out, You know, there's not, there's nothing wrong with wishing that you got b- more sleep, right? But I think it's really common for us to just be like, "Well, when the kids are just a little older, or when they're out of diapers, or when they graduate," right? And- Yeah but we can just keep doing that forever, and if we do that, then all of a sudden you're like, "Oh, now my kids are grown up and now they're not here anymore, and like I kinda miss them, like a lot." Mm-hmm. So I think to stop waiting, right? Which doesn't mean to stop wishing that things were easier, 'cause it's okay to wish things were easier, but, I think we just do ourselves such a disservice if we are in this waiting game. Yeah. Right? With kids or with anything, right? It could be like, "I can't wait for summer." no, what's great about winter? Yeah. Let's figure that out. You know? 'Cause if we can figure out what's great about winter, and I love summer, I hate winter, but- if we can figure out what's great about winter, like now we don't have to wait for summer. Yeah. 'Cause what if summer is like so hot and we don't like it as much as we thought? Like, it's such a disappointment. So I think, you know, just really being able to, to... so all about b- being present, right? Yeah. I think that is, is such a great skill that, we can... we don't have anything to change. We can just love today. literally whatever, it's a Thur- it's a Friday, you know?

Ben 19:21

Yeah.

Sarah 19:21

It's all good. Could be amazing.

Ben 19:23

I love it. Let me ask you this. I told you that the last one was the last question. Sorry. You've just opened this up, though.

Sarah 19:30

One

Ben 19:30

more. Do you, do you enjoy arguing with people?

Sarah 19:33

I mean, a little

Ben 19:34

Oh, okay. N- Maybe The right answer was no, but no.

Sarah 19:37

Okay

Ben 19:38

so-

Sarah 19:38

I mean, yes and no.

Ben 19:39

Yeah, but have you ever argued with politics or something, and you go away and you just kinda feel icky? You didn't really change the other person. You didn't really- Yeah change yourself. Like the thing that you're talking about reminds me of arguing with reality.

Sarah 19:53

And- With what is, yes. Yeah.

Ben 19:56

Yeah. And you're gonna lose that argument every time. Yes.

Sarah 19:58

You will.

Ben 19:59

And the goal, especially with parenting teens, if you can find a way to stop arguing with reality- Mm-hmm and the reality is your teen is who they are- Mm-hmm and they're not necessarily who you wish they were.

Sarah 20:12

Mm.

Ben 20:13

And that little argument in reality will disconnect you from your teen. Mm-hmm. And one of the truths that I believe in firmly is that your teen wants a connection with you.

Sarah 20:25

Mm-hmm.

Ben 20:26

The thing that makes it difficult is that they want you to connect with them, and a lot of times parents are like, "No, I want you to get better grades and then we'll connect." Mm. Or, "I want you to be more obedient- Mm and then we'll connect." And it works in reverse. If you can- Mm connect with your teen, the better grades will come. The better obedience will come. So, okay. Yeah. Well, I could go on and on. We all know that, and that's why I have a podcast. I love hearing myself talk. Tell us about what you have going on and how... typically it's moms listening to this- Mm-hmm unless they force their husband- Yeah or their teenager to listen as well. And if you're one of those that have been forced, I apologize. But for all the moms here listening, like how can you help with clutter?

Sarah 21:11

Yeah. So, you know, I tell people what I do, and usually they say, either they say, "Oh, you should see my garage." they're like, "Oh," right? Either they can relate personally or they say, "Oh my gosh, my mother, my sister, my neighbor," right? "My best friend," whatever. Like everybo- everybody, everybody has a problem with clutter or knows someone who has a problem with clutter to some extent or another, right? Some of, some people have a lot of clutter. Some people it's all behind closed doors, right? So there's like obviously differing levels of it. but again, it's not just about the clutter. And, and we're not just about... I'm not a bunch of checklists, right? You can go get that on YouTube, you know, or wherever. go to town. But the problem with that kind of stuff is it doesn't work We always pair it with, what's going on inside your head. And so, you know, if you do have a messy closet or whatever and you want help with that, come check us out. Come find us in the Decluttering Club. you know, we will totally get you sorted out. But what is even more exciting, and what I'm super excited f- about right now, is we're doing a live event in August in Orlando. It's called Decluttering Club Live. It's not about decluttering. It's not about stuff. All right? It's about... the theme is... We- we're calling it It's My Time. And I don't know about, you know, whoever's listening, but, so I'm 52, and I'm not an empty nester, but I'm getting there. And I realize that so many women, me included, you know, they're... Maybe they're entering a new season of life, and they don't really know who they are, right? If your kids move out, you have to figure out what it means to be a mom whose kids don't live with you every day. Yeah. You know? Or maybe you got retired. I have a lot of people who, in my community, who retired, they're trying to figure out, who are they. You know, they've been so busy taking care of their job or maybe their family, now they're kinda lost. And so that's the theme of this event, is we're gonna figure that out, and we're gonna help women especially, figure out what do they want. we don't know. We're so out of touch, right? Yeah. if you have kids, you have probably been so focused on those kids, even if they're 25, 26. you haven't taken a minute for yourself. Yeah. and... But eventually, you gotta figure that out. And so that's what this event is all about. So we would love to have people come and join us. It's gonna be so much fun. I'll, I'll drop the link, and, you know, you can share that out if you like, and that would be amazing.

Ben 23:35

If it weren't in the middle of football season, I would, and I know I'm not a lady, but I would be totally into going to this. This sounds so amazing. It's gonna be good.

Sarah 23:45

Yeah.

Ben 23:45

And looking at the pricing, it is way- Mm-hmm more doable than,

Sarah 23:50

Yep

Ben 23:51

I'm tempted to look and be like, "Well, what games do we have? Can I slip away? what's going

Sarah 23:55

on?" Maybe, right? I mean, you know, you can fly in Friday and fly out Sunday evening, you know?

Ben 24:01

Yeah. I, I, I'm gonna be looking at this, but this looks amazing. I can vouch for you. you are one of the few clients I've ever had that, at the end of our session, you, reverse roles on me, and now you're coaching me, and she is... Sarah is a phenomenal coach. So if you need help- Thank you with any of this, reach out to her. She has greatly impacted and improved my life, and I'm confident she can do the same for you, so.

Sarah 24:21

Well, thank you so much. Well, you know the feeling is mutual. we have had some wonderful, amazing chats, and like I said, I mean, I feel like it's literally changed the game for me. it's liter- your work has literally changed my entire house That's

Ben 24:34

awesome

Sarah 24:35

overnight practically. Shocking. Yeah. So

Ben 24:39

good. I love that. Okay. Well, go check out Sarah's live, in Orlando, Florida, by the way. I love- Yeah Orlando. My problem is if I go there, I'm gonna wanna go to all the parks as well. and also before it's too late, if you haven't done my $7 boundaries workshop-

Sarah 24:57

Mm

Ben 24:57

go check that out. just the other day I had a mom reach out and be like, Just that has changed my home overnight." And I'm telling you guys, boundaries is one of the best place, one of the best places to start with your teen. Because- Oh, yeah if, if you do it the way I teach it, it will empower your teenager, and it'll take a lot of the pressure off of you as a parent. So-

Sarah 25:21

Mm-hmm

Ben 25:22

you can check that out. I'll leave the link in the show notes. I believe it's benpughcoaching.com/boundaries. Just go check out the show notes, that way you can see the link to that, and also the decluttering event in Florida, which I may or may not be there because it sounds amazing. So Sarah, thank you for taking the time out of your busy schedule to come hang out with me, and, I, I just hope we get to do this again someday. This is awesome.

Sarah 25:49

Amazing. I love it. Thank you so much. I appreciate it.

Ben 25:53

Yeah. And everyone listening, come back next week. Talk to you soon.

Sarah 25:57

Bye.