Why Every Boundary Turns Into a Fight With Your Teen

Have you ever set a simple boundary with your teen… and somehow ended up in a 45-minute argument?

The boundary might not be the real problem.

In this episode, Ben explains why boundaries often turn into fights, even when the boundary is fair and clear.

You’ll learn why too many reminders can make your teen less responsible, why your teen doesn’t have to agree with your boundary, and why giving in to avoid conflict can actually create more conflict later.

You’ll also learn how to focus on what you can control, stop taking responsibility for your teen’s choices, and hold boundaries with more calm and confidence.

If you’re tired of arguing, reminding, threatening, or feeling like every boundary turns into a battle, this episode is for you.

Want help setting boundaries that give your teen a voice without giving away your authority?

Join the priority list for Boundaries with Buy-In at:

benpughcoaching.com/boundarieswithbuyin

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Transcript

Ben 0:00

/I'm Ben Pugh and you're listening to IMPACT! Parenting with Perspective. This podcast is all about helping parents manage the mental and emotional drama that comes with parenting teens so they can focus on what's most important. Building rock solid relationships and having a powerful impact on their teen's life. Join me each week as I dive into real tools to help you and your teen turn struggles into strengths.

0:32

Have you ever set a completely reasonable boundary with your teen, and yet somehow five minutes later, you're in an argument about respect, responsibility, screen time, school, your parenting style, and possibly a million other things? That's what I want to talk about today because I don't think most parents actually have a boundary problem. I think they have a problem with what happens around the boundary. And once you understand that, boundaries get a whole lot easier for both you and your teen. And so the goal here is to help you understand that the fight around the boundary usually isn't actually caused by the boundary. It's caused by what happens around it. A lot of times that's unclear expectations, repeated reminders, and reactive consequences that your teen thinks you just made up on the spot. And also, a lot of parents get into trouble when it comes to boundaries because they try to control their teen's response to the boundary. If you have a teenager, and if every time you try and set a boundary and it turns into a fight, this podcast is for you. let's start right here with the boundary usually isn't the entire problem. A lot of parents blame the boundary, or they blame their teen's reaction to the boundary. And I understand. A lot of times the boundary looks like the thing that creates the conflict or starts the drama. here's an example. Maybe you have told your teenager, I want you off of your game by nine o'clock so you can start getting ready for bed. so wrap up the game by nine o'clock." That is a simple boundary. The problem is, a lot of times that simple boundary is followed by negotiation between you and your teen, which can be okay, but sometimes it's not okay. Sometimes that simple boundary is preceded by a lot of reminding or arguing or explaining or threatening, or sometimes changing the consequences and oftentimes giving in. now this simple boundary has become like a 45-minute event. And a boundary shouldn't require you to manage how your teen handles it or how they respect it, or if they remember it or not. Those are things that need to go squarely on your teenager's shoulders. And a lot of times, a lot of parents that tell me, I wish we could do boundaries in my home," but they're just a 45-minute ordeal. It's not fun. It's because they don't have the clarity, and this is exactly what they're struggling with. Another reason that boundaries often turn into fights is that parents often try to control the teenager's response. And I get it. I have teens, and I want my teenager, when we come up with a boundary, I want my teen to understand it, I want him to agree with it, and if you're anything like me, you want them to stop arguing. You want them to just say okay and happily comply But keep in mind that those are not things that you as a parent can control. You can't control what your teenager thinks about the boundary. It could be completely reasonable, and yet in your teenager's mind, it could be completely unfair. Like, "Nobody else's parents are making them do this. What is wrong with you guys?" And that's okay because you can't control what your teen thinks about the boundary, you can't control how they feel about the boundary, and you can't control how they behave in response to the boundary. So, in light of all of those things that you cannot control as a parent, I want you to explore what can you control when it comes to setting boundaries with your teen. And a lot of these boundaries that turn into fights, a lot of the times it's parents not understanding how to shift their focus from all of these things that they cannot control back to this small area that is within your control. really just dive in. Ask yourself, what can I control?" For me, a lot of the times, it's simply I can control whether or not we have a conversation about the boundary. In fact, to be more accurate, I can control whether or not, as a parent, I provide an opportunity to have a conversation with my teen. I can't even always control whether or not we have that conversation, because my teen might refuse to talk to me When it comes to boundaries, you can really control what you agree to. You can't control what your teenager agrees to. You get to control what you allow, whether or not you hold up the boundary or not, and most importantly, you get to control how you show up when it comes to discussing the boundary, but also when it comes to enforcing the boundary. this is one of the things that I teach in my coaching program. This is what I like to call parenting from the inside out. Most parents make the mistake, they parent from the outside in, which means they're focusing on these things outside of their control, hoping that it will change something on the inside. Like, if my teen would just obey the rules, then I could be a nicer mom. Then I wouldn't have to yell as much." the problem is you're focusing on something outside of your control, and you are parenting from the outside in. And parenting from the inside out means that you get good at understanding, "I can only control me. I'm going to address things from within myself and I trust that those will improve the things around me, the things outside of my control." Okay. Another reason that boundaries often turn into fights is that boundaries turn into repeated reminders, and they actually take responsibility away from your teen because you're just putting all of that on your shoulders instead of theirs. here are some examples. This happens all the time when it comes to chores at home, when it comes to video game time and screen time, and now that we're starting to think about going back to school, this often happens with homework and grades. And the problem is that as a mom, you turn into this reminder system or this tracking system, and the more you track whatever it is, whether it be your teen's chores, their screen time, their video game time, their homework, their grades, but the more you track that, the more you become responsible for that instead of your teen. And the more you remind your teenager, the more you give them warnings and lectures and you follow up with them, the less your teen has to remember and the less that they actually take responsibility. And one thing I want you to just realize, helping isn't always helpful, especially with today's teenagers. A lot of our teenagers today, as soon as you step in and help them, they're like, "Oh, good. You just take over for me." And that doesn't teach your teen responsibility. It doesn't teach them that, "Oh, this is on my shoulders. I need to manage it." Instead, it teaches them, "Hey, if I drop the ball, it's okay. Mom will step in and save me." And sometimes reminding your teenager It can be beneficial. I get it. I'm a dad. Sometimes if I don't remind my teen, something doesn't get done, and it can be annoying for me. But the truth is, reminding your teen is also saving him from having to develop the skill of responsibility because he can just outsource that to you. And if you're like most parents, you want your teen to be responsible, and yet you inadvertently take that responsibility away from your teen. And I get it. I do that from time to time. When I coach football, I catch myself doing that. I'm like, "Oh my goodness, why am I being responsible for this when the players should be responsible for this?" Another reason that boundaries often turn into fights is that a lot of times parents are not okay with disagreeing with their teenager when it comes to boundaries. And I wanna be really clear. Disagreement when it comes to boundaries, it does not mean you are failing in the boundary department. Disagreement is part of being a human being, and as a parent, you will have different values. You will have different ways of thinking about things than your teen will have. So I would hope that you disagree. That's one of the most powerful dynamics between parents and teens. You have one perspective, they have another, you're gonna disagree, and that's okay. That's the way it's meant to be. The thing that is important to remember is that a lot of parents, when their teen is like, this is stupid," the parent starts thinking, "Oh no, I need to explain it better. I need to make sure that my teen understands it like I do." And the truth is, you don't really have to do that. Sometimes you've actually explained the boundary enough, and it isn't that they don't understand it, it's more that they don't like it, and that's okay. That's allowed. This is one of those things that, as a parent, you can't control. Your teen might not like the boundary. And honestly, I believe our teens need far more what I like to call unpopular boundaries. And I'll give you a quick example The way your teen sets boundaries is very much a reflection of what they see when it comes to you setting boundaries. And sometimes our teens in the world that we're faced with today need to have the skill of setting an unpopular boundary. Usually, that unpopular boundary needs to be set with their friends. And so for you as a parent, you have an opportunity all the time to set a boundary that your teen does not think is popular. And that's okay, because if you can do that with calmness, meaning you don't have to lose your crap, you don't have to get upset, you don't have to yell, you can just be like, "Yeah, you and I disagree here, but I'm the parent. This is my choice. We're going with this." If you can do that with calmness and with confidence, when your teen is faced with something where they need to set an unpopular boundary, they can also do it with calmness and with confidence. And this is very important for young men and young women. sometimes you're on a date and the other person on that date wants to take things a little bit further. If you don't have the skill or if your teen doesn't have the skill to set an unpopular boundary, they might do something that they don't really wanna do and that they regret because they haven't seen it modeled. They haven't seen someone set an unpopular boundary where the other person's like, that's stupid. I don't get it. We should just l- be able to do whatever we want." And a lot of times, a lot of parents, they think they're failing at the boundary department because their teen disagrees with the boundary. And I'm here to tell you, your teen needs more unpopular boundaries so that they can see how to calmly and confidently hold a boundary even when their friends don't agree with it. Another reason that boundaries often turn into fights, or maybe a parent would say, "Oh, the boundary just failed. It doesn't work," is that a lot of parents have the goal of having zero conflict. And I get it, like we don't wanna be constantly fighting and yelling and always battling and just living in this war zone in the home. I get it. Like conflict when it's constant is not great, but at the same time, conflict is okay. It's okay to be able to see, oh, we don't agree. We're mad at each other. That's fine A lot of times, parents will sacrifice a boundary for family peace. And oftentimes what this will look like is maybe a teenager is playing video games, and maybe you've talked and you're like, it's a school night. The video games need to be turned off by nine o'clock." And so the teen's like, "Yeah, sure. No problem. It's like 8 o'clock now. Nine o'clock is an eternity away. This won't even be a problem." And then nine o'clock rolls around, and he's like, "Mom, just five more minutes." And a lot of times, one of the things that I see is a mom who really values peace in the home, and she might be like, "Well, just go to bed soon. You have school tomorrow." And that has killed the boundary, and the teen is now doing whatever they want. And the thing is, it cr- might save you from a fight tonight, but it isn't helping you gain more peace, because tomorrow that boundary is even going to be harder. And the next day it'll be even harder because your teen is learning, "Oh, I can argue. I can just push back a little and Mom will give in." And the truth is, zero conflict should not be your goal as a, a family. You need to be able to teach your teen, I can stand up for myself. I can deal with a little bit of conflict. That's fine." And your teenager is probably not going to agree with every boundary, and you might lose a little bit of sleep, and you might have a little bit of conflict in the home, and that's okay. We can disagree without everything turning into a battle. And a lot of times these fights, they come because we haven't yet developed that skill as parents. We haven't developed that skill between ourselves and our teenagers to disagree with something and move forward with peace. The reason I'm talking a lot about boundaries, not only is it because I think boundaries are super important, and I feel like that's one of the most powerful things you can do as a parent to improve your relationship with your teenager, but I'm also talking about boundaries a lot right now because I am opening a brand new six-week group coaching program called Boundaries with Buy-In. And this is specifically for moms of teenage boys who are tired of arguing, reminding, they're tired of threatening their teen, they're tired of giving in and getting walked all over, and they're tired of feeling like every boundary turns into a battle. And I'm limiting seats. I'm only opening this for around 20 founding members for this first group, and I'm going to share a lot more about this over the next few weeks. But if this episode feels like your house, keep listening. Keep coming back week after week. This is exactly what we're going to be working on inside of Boundaries with Buy-In And the truth is, your teen doesn't have to agree with you for a boundary to work, and he doesn't have to like it, and you don't need to control things outside of your control, like what he thinks about it, how he feels about the boundary, or whether or not he follows it. Your job is simply to get clear about what you control, let your teen have a voice, and then stop taking responsibility for his choices. That's very different from the way most people talk about doing boundaries. And over the next few weeks, I'm going to show you a lot more of what boundaries can look like. And if this sounds like something that you are interested in, you can go get on the priority notification list. you can go to benpughcoaching.com/boundarieswithbuyin, all one word, benpughcoaching.com/boundarieswithbuyin, and you can get on that priority list so that when it goes live, you will be the first to be notified. You will be given the first option to join. And like I said, seats are going to be limited this first round. So go ahead, go hop on that priority list at benpughcoaching.com/boundarieswithbuyin. I'll talk to you next week.