Let Go: Focus on What You Can Control

Do you sometimes feel stressed about things you can't change as a parent? In this episode, Ben Pugh and Cortni talk about how to feel better by focusing on the things you can actually do something about. They share simple tips and real stories from other parents who learned to worry less.

You'll hear about parents just like you who found ways to have better relationships with their teens. Ben and Cortni explain how letting go of things you can't control can make parenting feel much easier.

In this episode, you'll learn:
 • How to know what things you can and can't control
 • Ways to feel less worried about stuff you can't change
 • How to get along better with your teens
 • Simple steps to make things better at home

This episode will help you feel more relaxed as a parent and show you how to make positive changes in your family.

Want a Simple Step by Step Parenting Debrief Guide?

Go download the FREE Parenting Debrief Guide.

It’s simple and quick. It will help you uplevel your parenting. And, it’s completely FREE!

1. Go to benpughcoaching.com/debrief
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Transcript

Ben: 0:00

I'm Ben Pugh and you're listening to IMPACT! Parenting with Perspective. This podcast is all about helping parents manage the mental and emotional drama that comes with parenting teens so they can focus on what's most important. Building rock solid relationships and having a powerful impact on their teen's life. Join me each week as I dive into real tools to help you and your teen turn struggles into strengths. All right, guys, welcome to the podcast. it's going to be a good one. I have a guest who I would more officially call her my co host. we're going to do a series of podcasts. I don't know how long this will last because eventually Cortni is going to get sick of me, but we're going to do a series of podcasts. And I think we're even going to put these on YouTube, and Cortni is going to be my Co host and if I accidentally ever call her Connie, just know that she will never let me live that down. So I did it once and then she messed up the whole internet. But anyways, Cortni, go ahead. Tell us just a little bit about yourself and why you're so awesome. Ooh, start with that part. Why are you so awesome?

Cortni: 1:26

I haven't figured that part out yet. Um, I just, I just am. don't know. I. I'm just a regular mom with three kids and I've been working with you and the impact membership for about two years, I think. and it's, I've seen a lot of change in my house and yeah, I just would love to help other parents cause it's something that I still struggle with.

Ben: 1:54

Yeah, that's awesome. Well, thank you for being willing to do this. Let's talk briefly about, About the book that you're reading that you're trying to get me to read Which every time you talk to me about it, it just moves up in my list. I think it's What at least within the top 100 right now, so okay, probably top 10.

Cortni: 2:15

It should move up Well, I text you like I don't know A week, two weeks ago, and I was like, I've been listening to this book and it's pretty much everything that you've taught except different verbiage. Do you remember that? The time that you asked me to speak at your funeral.

Ben: 2:33

Oh, yeah. Yeah. I'm dying by the way. I'm not dying, but I am starting to, I noticed people that I'm like, Hey, I think you might say something nice about me if I ever died. Would you speak at my funeral? And Cortni is the first one I've asked. So thank you for agreeing.

Cortni: 2:51

Yes. As long as you don't mess it up. Um, but it's, It's a great book. And like I said, it's everything that you've been teaching. She just worked it differently. And I feel like the more you hear something, um, especially if it's said in a different way, but I know for myself, um, the more I hear it, the more it's going to stick with me. That's why sometimes like when there was not group coaching calls or I wasn't listening to the podcast or talking to you regularly, I would slide back into my old ways. Like, I just feel like the more you hear something, the better.

Ben: 3:25

Yeah, let me add to that. So, I believe that the more you hear something, the more your subconscious accepts that as reality. And this might be a little bit weird and deep, but I believe that we create reality By giving our circumstances meaning. So you and I, uh, my podcast that came out this week, I talked about me and a dad. We're sitting right next to each other at a girls basketball game, which girls basketball is so much different than boys basketball. It's just blows my mind. It's. It's funny. Anyways, a ball got knocked out of bounds. I'm literally sitting side to side with this dad. Like we play basketball together. We're pretty good friends. He's got a daughter on the team and his wife is the head coach of the team. And I'm just honestly there to hang out with him and my wife because I'm a people person and I'm like, Hey, there's people here. Let's go. Anyways, a ball got knocked out of bounds. And in my mind, I'm like, well, that's too bad. One of our girls just knocked it out of bounds. The ref blows a whistle, makes the call and gives the ball to the other team, which I'm like, yeah, we knocked it out of bounds. That makes sense. This other dad is like, are you kidding me? Ref that's a bad call. And I'm like, I thought it went off of our, he saw it a completely different way. His experience of reality. was very different from mine and it's based on our perception. It's based on how we view things, how we think about things. And so back to this book, which I am going to read eventually, uh, I'll tell you later why I haven't yet read it. But anyways, when you can hear things that are important to you, which by the way, this is important. If you can identify We'll use parenting as an example. If you can identify, Hey, this is the type of mom that I want to be. You will attract things to you that will help support you in that vision. And so, you found me, I think, through your sister, is that correct?

Cortni: 5:52

Yes.

Ben: 5:53

Yeah. So, the universe is like, Cortni, you and Ben, he can help you. And the universe is like Ben, here, Cortni can help you too. She'll help inspire you, she's a part of your membership, she's helping feed your family, hey, thank you for helping me feed my family. And now, the Like God sees what's going on. He's like, Oh, well, here's another version. And one of the things that I think sets me apart in. The realm of parenting. I feel like most parenting experts unintentionally focus more on the children than they do the parent. And I am almost too much to the opposite. Sometimes I'm like, no, your kids are irrelevant. I, it doesn't matter if your kid accidentally lit a school bus on fire. Who do you want to be as the mom? It doesn't matter if your kid is deciding that he wants a far Inferior sport to play, which anything that's not football is inferior. Anyways, you get to choose what kind of mom do you want to be? So before we hit record, you were saying that we should talk about like focusing on what you can control, what you can't control. Um, do you remember exactly what you wanted to talk about with that?

Speaker 2: 7:25

Kind of. yeah, no, I just thought something that would be good to talk about now would be experiences that I'm going through, like currently and that I've dealt with in the last week or two and something that you've helped me with. Um, it's just focusing on things outside of my control. my son plays basketball and I've had a lot of issues with the coach and the whole basketball program at his school and the communication from them. And it's just the lack of communication caused me to go. 40 minutes north and I checked my son's location for the basketball game and he's 20 minutes south and I get there it's 15 to get in for one game and I sit and watch and he didn't play one minute and it's like I was it was just festering and boiling and I just got really upset and I just felt myself going all weekend from like rage to tears and rage and tears and I just felt like I couldn't get a hold of myself and I didn't know why and Monday morning came around and I started Drop my kids off of school and I stayed in bed and I'm like, I just, I don't want to lose it on anybody today. I'm just staying in bed and finally like one o'clock hit. And I think I text you and I was like, Hey, are you at work? And you're like, um, I can be available. What's up? And then I was texting out my, my long story and you called me and. You said something like when you feel out of control or something, you're, you're out of alignment with who you want to be or your values. Um, and that's where I was. I was just, I behaved in a way that was not who I want to be. Um, and I was worried about so many external factors that really shouldn't get to me. And once I was able to let all of that go, if it felt so much better, it felt so much better.

Ben: 9:29

That's beautiful. I love the way that you say that. Um, let me just say to our audience, guys, I know Cortni pretty well. We've worked together for two ish years, somewhere in there. Uh, we have escaped escape rooms together with one of her children. That was pretty fun. Like we should totally do that again. Next time you come to Utah, let me know. And we'll just plan something awesome. Cortni. I wouldn't let just anyone speak at my funeral. So that should tell you that you are pretty awesome. And as awesome as you are, you catch yourself living out of alignment or out of integrity with who you want to be. Is that correct?

Cortni: 10:16

Yes.

Ben: 10:18

Now, you're pretty awesome. If you could live out of integrity, how easy would it be for people who aren't as awesome to live out of integrity?

Cortni: 10:30

I think everybody does. I think we all go in and out. It's just a matter of being aware of it, right?

Ben: 10:35

Yes, the awareness is a powerful component. I believe that awareness precedes the power to choose. If you don't have awareness, you can't make choices. And a lot of people, especially in our country right now, I believe are living on autopilot. And until they want to get awareness, they're going to keep living on autopilot. And then once you get awareness, that's when you have the power to choose like, Oh, uh, this happened just the other day with my nine year old. And I can't even remember what he said, but I was like, dude, what would happen if you talk to your teacher that way? And he's like, I would never talk to my teacher that way. I'm like, why not? Cuz she'd take away my recess. I'm like, yeah, cuz what you said was rude. What would happen if you said that your friend and he's like, well, we'd just be joking and I'm like, okay So what could happen? He's like, well, he might think it's funny My who do you think would be laughing at this joke? And he's like other people in my classroom. I was like, who do you think wouldn't be laughing? He's like my friend that I said the mean thing like it's just helping Expand their awareness so that they can then make better choices. Now the reason I believe you and I are here together is because you, Cortni, are a powerful example of being willing to expand your awareness. And that's the most impactful way that you can teach this concept to your children. Which, by the way, you're living this. How well would you say your teenager is doing it following your example?

Cortni: 12:32

Um, when I am living it, Um, good. I mean, I remember my uncle said when we first moved here, kids emulate someone and it is a fact. If we can't control our emotions of wheat, like our kids will do the same thing. They learn that stuff from us. They learn how to handle like if the littlest thing makes us fly off the handle, our kids will learn that. I've become very aware of that, especially seeing some behaviors in my younger kids. I'm like, wow, I know where they got that. Dad, no, or me. It's always the dad, darn it.

Ben: 13:09

Yeah. Here's the thing I've noticed. My teens do not do a good job of following my example. Not as well as I would like them to, let's say that. But that's something outside of my control. And the thing that I want to do is give my children an example. So that when they, like, the title of this book that I've never read, so maybe this is an ill informed statement, but the title, the let them theory, like let your kids do stuff, let them figure it out. What I want to do is I want to give my kids a powerful example so that as I let my kids make their own choices and live life, if they ever decide, man, this isn't working for me, they have another example to fall back on. Well, this is how dad would have handled it. Or this is how mom would have handled it. That's, like, the most impactful thing you can do for the good of your children. Is to simply be the best version of yourself.

Cortni: 14:17

They're not going to do what we tell them to do. Why would they do that? They will live how we live, even though it might not be right away. We, we teach them through how we live and our example, like you said.

Ben: 14:32

Yeah. Since I've never read this book, I'm just here on Google and there's this button that's like, Want to know the summary of this book? And I was like, oh, yeah, sure. And it says, let's see, allows us to let go of the burden of responsibility of things outside of our control. We cannot force people to behave in ways that they don't want to. Guys, that is my whole foundational premise when it comes to parenting. You are not responsible for how your children behave. Yes, you can impact it. Like if every time your kid wants a sucker and throws a temper tantrum and you give him a sucker, by the time he's a teenager, those temper tantrums are going to get bigger, louder. They're going to want bigger things, but you're still not responsible for that because you can't go back in time and un parent the old way. You can just start from now. Well, what am I responsible for? Well, from today moving forward, I am never going to give you a sucker in response to a temper tantrum. You In my opinion, that is one of the things that I teach that makes parenting the easiest. When parenting is hard and overwhelming, I guarantee you, you are focused on things outside of your control.

Cortni: 15:56

Yes.

Ben: 15:58

Yeah. Sorry, keep going. No. Next time, can I either get an amen or a hallelujah? Okay, not, not a yes. But the thing is, if we can, like, when I get overwhelmed in life, I It's hard building a business and working a another job and coaching high school sports and trying to be the dad that I want to be. And when I get overwhelmed, it's a powerful practice to sit back and explore what am I focused on that's outside my control and what Once I identify that, like during the football season, I remember realizing, oh my goodness, I'm focused on whether or not we win. Oh my goodness, I'm focused on whether or not the kids that I coach play well this week. And I was like, I can't control any of that. So every time I catch myself focused on something outside of my control, I'm going to redirect my energy and I'm going to focus on, well, I can't control that. What can I control? I can control being a coach who's calm. I can control how much I care about my players. Just last night at another girls basketball game, uh, two of my football players were sitting up in the bleachers and I snuck up behind them and like, sat right in between them. Like kind of had to squish in and they're like, coach Pugh. What are you like? They just love seeing me and we're in the process of hiring a new football coach and both these kids are like, dude, did you apply to be the head coach? I was like, no, I don't want to be a head coach. And they're like, you would be the best head coach. We love you. You're our favorite coach. And that's because I focus on me and what I can control. So go ahead, Cortni, you probably have something super smart you want to say.

Cortni: 17:58

No, no, I don't. Um, You should apply for a head coach because I think you would be a great coach. Um, I think you would inspire kids and encourage kids like watching my son in this high school basketball culture. It's not healthy. And I wish he had a coach that would inspire him and he can still yell at them, whatever, like that's fine. But be the leader, be the coach that kids want to follow that kids want to come back and visit after they graduate and help with camps. Like be the person that you are. Can make a change in somebody's life. Like if you give the exam, like show people that you have faith in them or players that you have, I know you can do it. You can do it rather than keep them sitting out until the last 38 seconds of the game. Like they know you don't have faith in them. They're not going to play to their highest potential.

Ben: 18:51

yeah,

Cortni: 18:52

it's heartbreaking. We need more coaches like you. Absolutely.

Ben: 18:56

I'm still not going to apply, but Oh, maybe I would. You bring your son. Out in Utah, if he'll play football, I'll apply. He's

Cortni: 19:07

basketball, he's going to volleyball. I think this is his last year of basketball.

Ben: 19:10

Yeah, we don't even have volleyball in our high school, which is unfortunate. Have, have you seen Ted Lasso? No. Have you heard of Ted Lasso?

Cortni: 19:23

I've heard of it, yes.

Ben: 19:25

Do you have Apple TV? Wait, you have Apple TV and you haven't watched Ted Lasso?

Cortni: 19:33

I don't use Apple TV. I have it. I don't use that.

Ben: 19:36

All right. Well, here's your homework assignment. Watch Ted Lasso. I, okay. It does swear all the time. I know it's just, I I'm giving our other listeners a warning, but. I love Ted Lasso's approach. I've watched it like five times and it's like a three season series. That's how much I love it. And when most people are like, man, what would Jesus do? I'm over here like, man, what would Ted Lasso do? How would he handle this? But there's this point where he talks about like, I want to help. So he coaches soccer in England and he's a football coach from America who goes to England. It's a really good show. But he talks about. No, I want to help these young men become better men. He's I'm not winning. I'm not worried about winning or losing. That's my concern. And the thing that I've found when you're concerned with the well being of the athlete or the young adult winning is a happy by product. And this is probably why I don't think I'd be a good candidate for the head coaching job. I'm not, I wouldn't want to be. Overly concerned about winning or losing. In my opinion, whether you win or whether you lose is very much outside of your control. When I was a little league coach, we were winning a football game by a significant margin. And my best player broke his leg in that game. And then my quarterback went down because he was hurting him. We ended up losing that game. And in my opinion, that was outside of my control. Like I can't control injuries. I can't control any of. This stuff. And so for me, my focus would be on how do I foster the growth of good men? And I believe our world right now has a need for quality young men. young women. And our mistake is that we're focusing on the young men and the young women. Like we put so much money into like schools and into opportunities for young men and young women, which is important. But guys, we need to bring that focus back inward. If I want to help raise a better generation of human beings, how can I be a better human being?

Cortni: 22:13

Yeah, absolutely. I think by being that kind of coach and being someone that wants the best for everyone, it creates a good team environment. And I think you'll just start winning by default. Your players will be more confident. They will encourage each other. They will, you know, it's, it's amazing what a good attitude can do. And if. You have faith in yourself. If you feel like your team has faith in you and your coach has faith in you, you'll make it happen.

Ben: 22:46

Yeah. I kind of see it as like this expansive growth where you become capable of so much more. We lost to a team last year, I think it was like 72 to nothing and they were graduating 40 seniors. I think we were graduating eight and two or three of them quit the last few weeks of football because It's just the culture that we're dealing with Like I look at my little team and i'm like man I don't think there's any way that we beat that other team who if I remember right they went on to When state in our level of competition, but man, if I can help start expanding the team, like they couldn't even get up and consistently come to weights in the morning. And if we expand and now you can come to weights every morning, now you're getting bigger, faster, stronger. Gosh, we, all these parents that are listening, they're like, Ben, we don't care about freaking sports. We just want, how do we parent better? Uh, guys, it's this way. Let go of things outside of your control. Let your teens manage that. That's empowering. That's how you empower your teen. But all of that attention, and guys, I've seen you out there. Some of you moms and dads focus so much on things outside of your control. If you let go of those and bring that focus inward, you're not gonna know what to do with yourself. You're gonna be like, yeah, but I always nag my kid about this, or we always argue about this. And now that you don't like, you can bring that back in. How can I be the dad? I want to be corny. Let's wrap this thing up. Anything that you want to say before we sign off?

Cortni: 24:40

Yeah, really quick. I'll try to make it really quick. Um, so when it comes to like things that I can't control, so I wanted my son to talk to his coach about his playing time. Cause it, it varies. And for like the last two games, he didn't play and there was another dad and he's like, you need to, he talked to William and he's like, you need to talk to the coach. We need you. We can't win without you. And then that fueled my fire. I'm like, if, if this outsider is like saying like, we need you and his son plays 90 percent of the time. So why would he be worried about my son? You know, I. Like, and so then I started getting on William again and trying to control something I couldn't. And I was like, listen, it's not just about basketball. It's a life lesson. I want you to learn to advocate for yourself and stand up for yourself. And, you know, you're going to have to do it all the time. And I remembered you taught me at the very beginning, you know, when you plant a seed, it doesn't automatically sprout. Like you can water it, whatever, but they will sprout when they're ready. And you can't, I go, you said, what are you going to do? Pull the seat out and like pry it apart cause you want it to sprout now. Like our kids will learn those lessons when they're ready for them. Um, and I thought about that. And then in the let them theory book, she was talking about, um, controlling something else. So it, it applied really well to this. I wanted to talk to the coach. All of a sudden they, This one coach had like a track suit and shoes and a backpack for 200 bucks. Like the whole team was going to get it and they were going to match. Well, I thought that was long gone. We only have a month left in the season. And William's like, I need to check for 200 bucks for this. And I'm like, but you don't, I'm like, I don't really want to invest in something. Because I kept asking him to talk to the coach. And he's like, I don't care if I play, I don't care. And I was like, why do I want to continue to invest if you don't care? Like, so it's not that I was withholding it from him and I wasn't holding it hostage. From him, but I'm like, do you see that? I don't want to invest in this. If you don't want to invest in it, long story short, he eventually talked to the coach, um, and I did end up giving him like the 200 bucks, but I was proud of him for talking. And if he plays tonight or not, I don't care. The fact that he was brave enough to talk to the coach, I'm proud of him. And I, me forcing him was not going to work. I, I don't know. Yeah. Yeah. Awesome. The short version. The long version.

Ben: 27:12

We'll get to the long version later, but that, yeah, I agree. So is he playing a game tonight?

Cortni: 27:19

Yeah. He plays a game and then we head to Milwaukee for a volleyball tournament.

Ben: 27:25

Awesome. Yeah. My son plays tonight too. And then, so he'll play the sophomore game, play a little bit in the JV game, and then he'll ride the bench for the varsity game. Love it. That's okay. At least he's on the

Cortni: 27:44

bench for varsity.

Ben: 27:45

Oh, he's not. He can choose to take up on the last seats if he wants, but yeah. If it's not him, it'll be like, oh, one of the coach's kids or something. I don't know. But, um, okay. Well, guess what? Guys, we're going to do this again. Um, eventually I'm going to have Cortni, I don't know, just kind of slowly, just tell us a little bit about who she is, but just know she's a mom just like you. I'm not just like you, but I guarantee you, if you guys sat down for a minute, you'd realize, Oh, Hey, We're dealing with a lot of the same stuff. Um, but anyways, Cortni, thank you for being my co host. I think the world of you and we'll do this again soon.

Cortni: 28:33

Ditto. Look forward to it.

Ben: 28:35

All right, guys. Thanks for being here. I'll see you later.