How to Empower Your Teen Effectively

Are you trying to empower your teen but feel like you’re losing control as a parent? In this episode, Ben Pugh and co-host Cortni talk about how to empower your teen effectively while keeping your own power.

We’ll share simple tips and real-life examples to help you:

• Ask the right questions without overthinking.
• Handle “I don’t know” and “I don’t care” responses.
• Let your teen make decisions and learn from their mistakes.
• Stay confident as a parent and model the behavior you want to see.

Parenting teens doesn’t have to feel overwhelming! Learn how to build a stronger relationship with your teen and guide them toward independence while staying true to yourself.

Listen now for practical advice and encouragement!

Have a question? Send us a message, and we might answer it in a future episode!

Want a Simple Step by Step Parenting Debrief Guide?

Go download the FREE Parenting Debrief Guide.

It’s simple and quick. It will help you uplevel your parenting. And, it’s completely FREE!

1. Go to benpughcoaching.com/debrief
2. Download the debrief
3. Start with your own internal debrief.

Transcript

Ben: 0:00

I'm Ben Pugh and you're listening to IMPACT! Parenting with Perspective. This podcast is all about helping parents manage the mental and emotional drama that comes with parenting teen so they can focus on what's most important. Building rock solid relationships and having a powerful impact on their team's life. Join me each week as I dive into real tools to help you and your team turn struggles into strengths. Hello, welcome back to the podcast. Thank you guys for being here. I am super excited for today's episode. this is my co host Cortni. She is also one of my favorite moms in the whole world because she gives me insight into her mom life and lets me help her with it. So today we're going to talk about a topic that. Cortni and I kind of stumbled upon as we talked about like her parenting and I've got parenting things going on in my life that I was like, man, let's talk about this. And so today we are going to talk about how to empower your teen. Without giving your teen power over you. So Cortni, before we dive into this, any thing you want to say about empowering your teen without giving your teen power over you?

Cortni: 1:34

I will say, I think we stumbled upon this just because I was mentioning, I was listening to our last podcast about, um, me not having any rules as a child and how I, the pendulum went the other direction. And so then I was too controlling. And when I started, um, working with you over two years ago, how much that's changed, how much I have. I don't feel the need to control everything anymore and how that's improved my relationship with all of my Children, especially my teenager.

Ben: 2:11

yeah, really good. And we also talked about like handling situations. Um, no. Kind of explain the situation so that as you listen, you can kind of think to yourself, have I ever experienced this? Um, have you ever given your teen options and they're like, I don't know. Or like, has your teen literally said like IDK, like I D K Is three syllables. I don't know is also three syllables. I understand texting IDK because yes, three letters versus all the other letters, way shorter. Do you have to say IDK? It's no shorter than, I don't know. Anyways. So the question is like, have you ever tried to empower your teen and to have them be like, I don't know. And then you feel like you've given your power up because you're like, Oh, well now what do I do? My teen hasn't given me any input. And that's kind of what we're talking about. Cortni, any details about that situation that you'd be willing to share?

Cortni: 3:20

yeah. So I was talking to my son this morning on the way to school. He has basketball game, but he's injured. And I asked him if he wanted me to arrange a ride home for him so he didn't have to ride the bus back alone. Um, or if he'd want me to come and he He's like, I don't care. I'm like, okay, well, can you think about it? And then text me today at some point. So I know I have, so I can arrange this. And so here I am just waiting in the wings, you know, still don't know. And you know, I'm, yeah, still don't know what he wants, but

Ben: 4:02

in the wings. Uh, I, I'm terrible. Cortni lives in a different time zone than me. When I coordinated, Hey, let's get together and record. I was, Polite. I was a gentleman. I talked in terms of your time zone. Like, Hey, it'll be this time. Well today while I was looking at my phone, I was like, Oh, I got plenty of time. And Cortni sends me a text. Hey, I'm ready whenever you are. And I was like, Oh crap.

Cortni: 4:31

it's okay. It's, it teaches me patience.

Ben: 4:33

that's what I'm here for according to as if raising teenagers and having a spouse wasn't enough to teach you patience. You also get me just to make sure that you understand it really well. Um, anyways, this is something that I see all the time. I feel like with a lot of what I teach, you kind of have to be careful to not like take it too far. Like I am a huge. of empowering our teenagers. Like, how do I give my teen choices? How do I hold them accountable? How do I help them be responsible for themselves? And sometimes it's really easy to take that too far and give your teen too much power. And now you're like, don't know what I'm doing. Cause my teen hasn't made up their mind. And as we were talking about this, I was just talking about, no, here's how I like to handle this. So I want to give you a few steps to really help you empower your teen without giving your teen too much power. I love asking teens questions. Uh, just today I got the opportunity to go speak at a couple of classes at our local high school. It was awesome. And I'm asking questions, trying to get their response. The thing is, if your teen is like my teens. Or like Cortni's teen, anytime you ask him a question, you are likely to get one of two answers. Either I don't know, or I don't care. And I don't know, Cortni, would you say that's accurate? Are those the two most common answers for you out of those two? Which one is more popular? I don't know. I don't care.

Cortni: 6:25

It's a toss up depends on the question.

Ben: 6:28

Yeah.

Cortni: 6:30

know. Probably is the most,

Ben: 6:32

Yeah.

Cortni: 6:32

he doesn't know anything. And I say, Ben always says, I don't know. It's just the lazy man's answer. Like you're too lazy to think of an

Ben: 6:39

Yeah, exactly. I love that. You picked that up for me. Okay. So here's the way I like to do it. Let's a similar situation to what Cortni's going through. If I were to ever ask my teen. Hey, you're not playing today. Do you want me to go to the game? If my teen was like, I don't care, or I don't know, I've done my job. I've given, I've empowered my teen by asking them a question to avoid giving them power over my life. The next thing I want to do is make a decision. So like, if my son were injured and he weren't playing, I might totally be like, Hey, you're injured. You're not going to play. Do you want me to go to the game and support you or not? And if he's like, I don't care, then I'm going to take control. I'm going to be like, you know what? You're not playing. And I've got a lot of things to do, so I'm going to go ahead and just stay home. I'm keeping control over me. I'm making my choice and either answer is fine. I could be like, yeah, you're not playing, but you know what? I really enjoy watching your team. I love your players. So. I'm going to go ahead. I'm going to come anyways, and I'm going to come watch and I can give you a ride home afterwards. The thing that I've found when you do this, when you ask an empowering question and parents write this down, this is a super easy trick to help your teen make a choice. But if you ask, Hey, do you want me to blank? You fill in the blank. Like, do you want me to go to your game? And they're like, I don't really care. When you make a decision as a parent. Your teen gets to choose how they're going to react to that decision. There's another chance your teen could be like, well, actually, I don't want to ride the bus home. So I guess, yes, I would like you to come. Now you get to choose. Like, you know what? I was willing to come. If you want me to come to the game so that I can give you a ride. Sure. I'm willing to come. Or you can be like, you know what? Now that I think about it. I'm I'm just gonna stay home. Go ahead and ride the bus home. You are in the driver's seat. The problem that I see happening is a lot of times parents will try to empower their teen. Their teen will be like, I don't know. And then the parent will be like, well, now I don't know. Like, how do I do what you want if you don't tell me? And then you now have two disempowered people, the teen who is refusing to make a decision and you who are hoping to base your decision based on your teen's decision. So Cortni, go ahead. Anything you want to chime in on here?

Cortni: 9:27

I think I'm going to go. Um, he says he doesn't care, but I feel like. There's part of me that feels like he does care. Um, and, and I do want to support his team and I think there's players playing that haven't played all season. So I want to be there to support them too. Cause they're still, they're great basketball players. Um, so yeah, he doesn't really get a choice. Mom will show up.

Ben: 9:50

Yeah, there you go. Uh, when I talk about empowering teens, by the way, one of the most important things to keep in mind, one of my most fundamental teachings is for you to be the change that you want to see in your teen. is not empowering to your teen for you to disempower yourself because you're giving away your power, you're showing, you're modeling, The wrong behavior. I like what you just said. Like, you know what? I want to go. Like, you've already asked your teen. You've given him, you've empowered him by giving him a choice. His choice really doesn't have that much bearing on your choice. I, one of the things I love as a parent, I can change my mind all the time. And my teens know this and it drives them nuts. And then when my teen changes his mind, I'm like, see, look, you do it too. We're fair. But just knowing, Hey, I've given you the choice. You didn't care. I'm making my choice based on who I want to be. So that's powerful.

Cortni: 10:59

Yeah.

Ben: 11:01

Where. else does this apply? Like any other areas in your life where you try and get your teens input, you try and empower them and they're like, I don't care.

Cortni: 11:14

Um, I mean it applies to dinnertime. Sometimes I ask if he wants her dinner. I don't know. I don't care. So I will make the decision for you. Um,'cause I'm sure once I start making something he doesn't like he'll care. Um, another thing we were briefly talking about is wanting our kids to be proactive, um, in sports or like too much pressure, um, to do good or. What were we talking about before?

Ben: 11:48

Yeah. Um, this is really good. So to this mom, you might be listening. Uh, there's a mom that I work with. She texted me recently and she's like, Hey, my son is really struggling. He's struggling with his mental health as he's doing his sport. I need you to work with him and help line them out. mentally and emotionally. That's not exactly what she said, but that's a rough.

Cortni: 12:15

Get his confidence back

Ben: 12:16

Yeah. Build.

Cortni: 12:18

self talk.

Ben: 12:19

Yeah. The other thing to keep in mind, this young man did not want to work with me, which totally broke my heart. Actually. I've worked with enough teens to know that one minute I can be pretty cool. And the next minute they can be like, why would I ever want to talk to him? And that's okay. You get your decision. Um, the thing. Is this is kind of similar to what we're talking about right now, empowering your teen without giving your power away. I'm excited to talk to this mom because I want to talk about how she's focused on things outside of her control, like her teen's mental and emotional state, which I get it. It's important. We want our teens to be mentally and emotionally healthy. The problem is your teen might not be willing to do anything about it. They might not like this family has coaching sessions that they've paid for. And then I'm like, whenever you're ready to use them, here I am. And the teen doesn't want to take advantage of those. That's okay. Don't give your power away. Don't make your life miserable. While you wait for your teen to make some changes, that's you trying to empower your teen, but giving all of your power away. If your teen is not willing to do the work, that's okay. You do the work, be the example of the change, be the change that you want to see, um, for this mom, when I hear parents that are worried about their teen, like losing all confidence and being down in the dumps, the thing I want to warn parents, I'm like, You sound like you're worried about your teen. Well, yeah, of course I'm worried. They're depressed. They're sad. They're not performing well in their sport. If you're worried about your teen, your teen is going to be even more worried about themselves. Like, geez, like how bad off am I? And with sports, it's really hard because we have attachments to how well we want our kids to do in sports. And we're like, no, but Ben, you don't understand. Basketball is super important or wrestling or whatever the sport is. And the truth is, the most powerful thing that you can do to empower your teen is to let them suffer the consequences that they're creating. And for you to know who you want to be as a mom in the face of those consequences. Like, man, my kid can get cut from the team. And rather than being like, Oh no, what are you going to do now? I'm going to be like, you'll be okay. Like think of all the time now that you have to go work even harder. How do we use this to our advantage? So yeah,

Cortni: 15:05

Yeah, I feel like, um, putting all that extra pressure on them almost makes it worse because I feel like sometimes there could be something going on underneath, like an underlying issue and they're not comfortable talking to us about it. And then we keep putting pressure and pressure on it. And it's just, it's making them feel worse. Um, and I realized I was doing that to my son earlier this season. And so I stopped and I let him know, like, you know what? It doesn't matter how much you play. Like I will be there to support you regardless because I will. That's all that matters is that he knows that.

Ben: 15:48

yeah. I'll even contend with that a little bit. Cortni, can you control whether or not he knows that?

Cortni: 15:58

No.

Ben: 15:59

No, cause teens are buttheads, and you can be the perfect parent, and they could still think that my mom is the worst. Gee, can you believe this? I told her I didn't care if she came in. She came to the game anyway. Like, the thing I want you to remember, like, when you say, man, I just want to make sure that he knows. It's more important for you to know.

Cortni: 16:20

Yeah.

Ben: 16:21

And I can see the emotions coming to the surface here. Here's the cool thing. You know that you love him. You know that you're there for him, no matter what. Don't give your power away by hoping that he knows that.

Cortni: 16:37

That's so funny. They just jogged my memory this morning when I was getting ready. I was thinking, um, you know, I hope that when he's older, like I'm sure a lot of teenagers now are just like, Give one or two word answers and just we're, we're so annoying to them. But I, I was thinking, I hope he appreciates it someday, like, and, but then that's me being attached to something, a desired outcome. And I need to let go of that because whether or not he appreciates that shouldn't make a difference on how I show up as a parent. Um, and it feels so much better to just continue to be me and. Be the change, be the parent of my dreams, regardless of what he does or responds to it. Because I can choose how to respond.

Ben: 17:26

yeah. I want to share a quick story because you remember Stephanie, right?

Cortni: 17:31

Yes, of

Ben: 17:32

Stephanie listens to this podcast and Stephanie, I just want to give you a

Cortni: 17:36

Hi, Steph.

Ben: 17:36

that she just called me and I had to decline her call because we're recording this. Though it would be so fun to have her on one of these. Like we could have all three of us.

Cortni: 17:45

We

Ben: 17:46

Yeah, we totally should. But remember that live event that I did with parents and their teens and we went and played, um, escape room stuff. Super fun. We need to do that again. Next time you come to Salt Lake, let us know. Um, there was a point I was coaching. I believe it was Stephanie. Stephanie, if I'm wrongfully accusing you, let me know. I'll retract all of it. And she's like, Ben, I'm doing all this stuff for my teenagers and they don't even appreciate it. Like, they don't even care. And I was like, Stephanie, why do you think I did the live event? And she's like, because you're fun, because you like to connect with us. Cause you like to meet us. I was like, those are all true. That's why I did it. But what if I told you, Stephanie, the only reason we did the escape rooms and the fun stuff was so that you would pay me more money and be in my membership longer and anyways, she was like, Ooh, that would feel icky. I was

Cortni: 18:46

Mm

Ben: 18:47

Exactly. That's the problem. When we try to parent and be the parent of our dreams and we're attached to, well, I hope someday my teen appreciates us or loves me for this or something, that's like me being like, well, I'm going to do this really fun thing. And you know what? Darn it. I hope so and so thinks twice about canceling their membership or, uh, No, I don't want to be attached to something outside of my control because it makes me show up out of alignment with who I want to be,

Cortni: 19:19

Yeah.

Ben: 19:19

whether they quit working with me tomorrow or not. Like, I want to be like, man, I'm so glad I hung out with them because that's who I want to be. Does that make sense?

Cortni: 19:29

Yep. And I think you were right. I think it was, Stephanie.

Ben: 19:32

Yeah, I think it was in one of our group coaching calls. So it's semi public anyways, but,

Cortni: 19:39

Yes.

Ben: 19:40

basically as parents. So we just want to invite you find ways to empower your teen, but be careful. Don't give your teen power over you. Um, I used an example with Cortni earlier as like, Hey, it's like offering my teen some cookies. Like, Hey, do you want cookies? If my teen's like, I don't, I don't know. Like, why would I want cookies? I don't know. Just thought I'd ask. I'll go ahead and throw them away now. Your teen might be like, wait, wait, don't throw them away. Yeah, I do want a cookie. Oh, okay. Well, here's the cookie. You're just, you give your teen an opportunity to make a choice. If they don't, you make the choice and keep your power. And a lot of times that's the catalyst to help your teen actually know, or care when previously they thought, no, I don't know, I don't care, but okay.

Cortni: 20:32

Yeah.

Ben: 20:33

Go ahead.

Cortni: 20:33

I'm sorry. Letting them make choices where it's not going to have like a harmful consequence. So like I was saying, I felt the need to control so much. And when I let go of that, it does empower him to make more choices. And I want him to know how to make choices. And that's part of empowering is giving them the, the option to fail. I remember at the start of the season, before basketball started, I was concerned and you said like, you know, that sometimes just natural consequences, like he might have to fall on his face. And I was like, my gosh, like, I don't want him to fall on his face, but it absolutely, I think is what will need to happen at some point. Hopefully he learned the lesson, but. It's sometimes we have to let them fail and that's empowering in itself. I feel like a lot of my mistakes and failures in life have been, have taught me a lot and we can't shield them from that. So

Ben: 21:33

And sometimes. You even have to question your beliefs about whether the consequences are too severe. Like, oh, this is something I can't let them fail in. It's probably an unpopular opinion, but our teens are resilient. They can fail in anything and bounce back. And my oldest right now is choosing not to graduate. From the high school in typical fashion. Um, to be fair, I've probably brainwashed him. I think our local high school, any of you local people listening, sorry. I think it's dumb that the state requires 24 grads or credits to graduate. And the school's like, well, we're going to require 36. It's like, well, what are you having the kids do? They're just wasting their time at school. My son wanted to go get a job and he wanted to do other stuff. So anyways, he's still graduating from high school, but not the local high school and man, grandma's kind of having a hard time, like you're dropping out. Well, not technically, like he's getting his high school diploma, just not from the high school. And that was one of those things, like when grandma was worried and some of the Administrators were worried. Well, I get into that herd mentality and I'm all crap. Should I intervene? Should I make my son graduate from the typical school? And he's like, no, I want to empower him to make his choices. He figured out the alternative. He figured out a way where he can graduate from the other school, have time to work almost a full time job and still keep his college classes. Like, dang, he's, he gets to make his choices. Some people might think, man, Ben, the consequences are too, or the stakes are too high, don't give them that much power, man, I. I've really enjoyed stepping back and watching my teen handle this. And it's been nice. Like he thinks he knows everything. And a few times he's had to come to me and my wife and be like, how do I do this? And when you empower your teen to make it safe without giving all your power away. You can watch your teen grow, and you have the power to stay in your lane and be the parent of your dreams. So,

Cortni: 23:54

yeah, no, I think that's great. And it forces him, like he's taking control of it. It's. No, I think that's awesome.

Ben: 24:03

it's gonna be interesting to see what this young man does, like, he has played by his own rules since about the time he was five. Like, just His kindergarten, actually second, first or second grade was hard for him. It asked him to do stuff and he's like, why? That's stupid. Like, he thinks for himself. And I'm like, dude, I disagree with your choice. Like some of the choices he's making. But man, I just need to get out of the way. Like he has a plan. He's going to go to college. He's going to do certain things. Like I know from experience, dude, your plan is not going to work out the way you think it will. You're going to have detours. You're going to have to revise your plan. And I think as a dad with like all the years experience, I'm like, Oh, well, let's craft the plan exactly right. The first time, like, but no, like my plans didn't go to plan. Someone got out of the way and let me follow my face. And that's the gift I need to give him. So

Cortni: 25:03

Yeah. Sometimes I feel like we handicap our kids by making all the choices for them and forcing them down a certain path when they could be, if they have the opportunity, be doing great things,

Ben: 25:15

Yeah. And you can see the trap or why it would be so easy to do that. Because when you try and give your teen choices, their answer is, I don't know. I don't care. So it's where we want to find that balance and really work on empowering our teen while keeping our own power. So, okay. Another good episode. You're a C I have never officially had a cohost like consistently. But man, if I would have, you still, oh, actually, I used to do another podcast with Deb. She was probably my favorite co host, darn it.

Cortni: 25:55

That's fair. She should be.

Ben: 25:57

And I kind of have to say that, but she really was. And I tried to get her to come be my co host. She's like, psh, I don't want to talk. She'll probably actually cut all of this out. So none of you guys will even hear this. But,

Cortni: 26:09

No, Deb, just leave it because I can vouch for you. You have a magical wand and I don't blame her. I'm sure you, it's, it's probably good to separate the two.

Ben: 26:19

yeah, it,

Cortni: 26:20

I already told you, she has a lot of patience. I know she

Ben: 26:23

I know. And the funny thing is, we don't always agree on, like, the parenting stuff that I teach. And sometimes. She will use my own parenting stuff against me. Like, man, are you being the parent of your dreams right now? No, I am not. Now leave me alone.

Cortni: 26:41

I love it. I love it.

Ben: 26:43

Okay, well, we better wrap this up. But guys, keep coming back. Cortni is awesome. I am so glad that she is willing to do this with me. Um, I am in a process right now, really clarifying some of the things that I want to do as a parenting coach. Awesome. And while I'm doing this, I haven't been putting a lot of work into the podcast. And Cortni really does a lot to help bring up good topics that we should talk about. So Cortni, thank you for being so awesome.

Cortni: 27:17

Well, thank you. Thank you for helping me help you help

Ben: 27:21

Yeah.

Cortni: 27:22

me

Ben: 27:23

Yeah. I love helping you help me help you help me. But however we do that. And Stephanie, if you're listening or also Sarah, you called me during this or Call. If you guys want to be on my podcast, with me and we'll have like a big old party or something, but you can't just call during the podcast and expect me to pick up. So anyways, okay. And those of you wondering, man, should I work with Ben? If you do, you'll get my cell phone number and it's just like we're friends and I help you be a better parent. So,

Cortni: 27:59

win, win, win.

Ben: 28:01

Oh, and Anyone's still listening. Deb keeps telling me, I forget to say this every time, but in your podcast app, wherever you listen to podcasts, there is a place where you can send me a text and you can totally ask me and Cortni a question and we will answer it on this platform. Um, so if you go to my podcast and. Oh, let's see. Looks like you kind of have to scroll down a little bit. So down

Cortni: 28:39

So right here, send Ben a text. I saw that today. I was like, what? I've never seen that before. I thought it was part of the new iOS update, but

Ben: 28:49

No, that's something special. I can't see that on mine right now.

Cortni: 28:54

well, you're Ben, so it's probably not going to

Ben: 28:56

It's like, Ben why would you even want to text yourself? I mean, I totally would. I'd be like, Ben, you're awesome. Anyways, if you have a question, feel free, use that feature. It's awesome. It's free to you and you can ask a question and Cortni and I will answer your question if it has to do with parenting to the best of our ability. So, okay.

Cortni: 29:22

For clarifying.

Ben: 29:22

Yeah. I didn't want people asking me like, For stock advice, I'd be like, I don't know, Woodstock maybe? I don't know. Okay, guys, we'll see you next time.

Cortni: 29:36

Bye