IMPACT: Parenting with Perspective
IMPACT: Parenting with Perspective
How to Know if My Teen Needs Coaching
How do you know if your teen needs coaching? What if it’s actually YOU that could benefit the most? In this episode, Ben and Cortni dive into how to tell who in your family might need extra support and why starting with yourself can make the biggest difference.
We’ll talk about:
- Signs your teen might need coaching.
- Why coaching only works when it’s wanted.
- How your own growth can inspire your family.
- Parenting on the same team vs. the same page.
Ben also shares tips on setting boundaries that work and explains why trying to control your teen often backfires. This episode is full of real-life stories, helpful tools, and even a little humor!
Got a question or need advice? Send Ben a text directly from the podcast page!
Start listening today to build stronger relationships.
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I'm Ben Pugh and you're listening to IMPACT! Parenting with Perspective. This podcast is all about helping parents manage the mental and emotional drama that comes with parenting teens so they can focus on what's most important. Building rock solid relationships and having a powerful impact on their teen's life. Join me each week as I dive into real tools to help you and your teen turn struggles into strengths.
ben_1_03-07-2025_102641:Hello and welcome back to the podcast and all of you listening. I think we need to welcome Cortni back because she had to take a two week vacation from me. She's like, Ben, I just can't do it anymore. Now, she was outta town and I dropped the ball and forgot to, like you told me, Hey, I can do it on this day. At the end of that day, I was like. I know I forgot something. Oh
cort_1_03-07-2025_112641:CortniCortni
ben_1_03-07-2025_102641:yeah, CCortnisorry. Hey, but I had a good day that day. So
cort_1_03-07-2025_112641:Good.
ben_1_03-07-2025_102641:today, before we dive into everything, I just wanna tell you guys about something really cool with the podcast. If you go into to a specific episode, any episode, you just have to be. In an episode. Now Cortni's gonna do this, and this is gonna be the only way that she communicates with me. But anyways, you can go into an episode like those of you watching on YouTube right there. Under the image, under the title, under the play button? Yeah. Right there it says Send Ben a text. And what would be awesome, you can totally send Ben and Cortni a text and be like, my teenager is a freaking bum. They won't get outta bed. They refuse to do chores according to, does your team ever refuse to do chores or is that just a My team thing?
cort_1_03-07-2025_112641:Um, I mean, he does it begrudgingly, uh, but
ben_1_03-07-2025_102641:so if, if you know how to spell the word begrudgingly, you could also just type that into the text and be like, he does his chores begrudgingly. What do I do? And me and Cortni would be happy to address any questions that you send us about parenting teenagers. So that's just. A feature in the podcast, uh, you could even say, Hey, Ben, love the episode. Or, Hey Ben, seriously, why don't you talk more about boundaries or, I don't know, something else that parents would want me to talk about, and then we'll listen and we'll talk about that.
cort_1_03-07-2025_112641:Yeah.
ben_1_03-07-2025_102641:Yeah. So Cortni, here's where I'd like to go. Cortni never knows what we're gonna talk about because I keep it a secret from her. And from myself, I, we just don't know. But Cortni, here's what I want to talk about today.
cort_1_03-07-2025_112641:Yeah.
ben_1_03-07-2025_102641:How do you know if it's your teen who needs coaching or your spouse who needs coaching? Or if maybe it's you who needs coaching, how do, how do you know?
cort_1_03-07-2025_112641:It is everybody else that needs coaching, obviously.
ben_1_03-07-2025_102641:Yeah.
cort_1_03-07-2025_112641:what I thought when I first started talking to you. And I remember reaching out and then there was issues with my husband and my son and it was everybody else's problem and I was just trying to help and I had them both take a coaching call with you and really it was me. Like I have gained the most from coaching with you. Um. And it in turn has affected everybody else. Like it just trickled down when I changed. Everybody else changed. Um, yeah.
ben_1_03-07-2025_102641:Yeah. Here's the cool part. I know your husband, I know your son a little bit better. We did escape rooms one time and it was super fun. They could both benefit from coaching if they wanted coaching. But if they don't want coaching, and this is a tough pill to swallow, I can't tell you. Like recently I have had multiple parents come to me wanting me to help their teenager, and I'm like. Your teenager doesn't want help, like coaching is not gonna benefit them at all, but you want help, it could benefit you. And so I think sometimes maybe I'm not great at the presentation of this, but sometimes like I'll get a mom who wants me to like work with her son and her husband and. Whoever else, and I'm like, well, they don't really want coaching. Let me help you. And sometimes they're like, so you're saying I'm the problem? Like, did you feel that way when I told you, Cortni, that
cort_1_03-07-2025_112641:Uh, yeah. Yep. I sure did.
ben_1_03-07-2025_102641:maybe you can help me? How do I better deliver that? So that. When I deliver that line, like, Hey, your husband doesn't want coaching, your team doesn't want coaching, but I would be happy to coach you. How can I do that? So it doesn't come across as you suck as a mom. Like, seriously, what are you even doing? Let me help you
cort_1_03-07-2025_112641:Yeah.
ben_1_03-07-2025_102641:that is not at all what I'm trying to say.
cort_1_03-07-2025_112641:Yeah, probably not the most effective. Um, I don't think you said it exactly that way. You just kept telling me, you need to listen to this book or read this book, leadership and Self Deception and, um, I don't know. I guess you could just go down the path of when you make these changes, um, when you respond differently, it, it'll help them change like just. Play on that because it's the truth. Um, yeah, I don't know.
ben_1_03-07-2025_102641:Here's the thing that I don't want to like mess up. Like if you're listening to this right now and you're like, but I want my teenager to have a free consultation with Ben. I'll tell you what. I work with tons of teenagers that I have a free consultation with, and a lot of times I don't even recommend coaching for the parent. I just got a new client. This kid is six two heck of a basketball player and. All they want help with is the kid gets in his head during a game. Like if he misses a couple of shots, he'll quit shooting. He gets in his head, he'll slow down. If he gets a foul called on him that he didn't think was a foul, he hangs his head and kinda gives up. And then the coach puts him on the bench and then he pouts on the bench. Yeah, that. I can coach the teen on that. And here's the cool thing. The teen is like, yes, please help me. We just had our first official coaching session the other day and he's like, bro, what you told me on that first free call that already helped? And I'm like, well, just you wait. Like that's something that I'm more than happy to help a teenager with. But if your team is showing up to the coaching call and he is like. Rolling his eyes and he is like, my crazy mother made me come to this. I don't even want to be here. That's a pretty good indicator that coaching is less for your son and more for you. So let's talk about this aspect. You said that when you started to change things around, you started to change.
cort_1_03-07-2025_112641:Yes,
ben_1_03-07-2025_102641:Why did that happen and what are some of the changes that you noticed?
cort_1_03-07-2025_112641:you're asking me to go way back. Um, I mean, just the way I showed up, the way I responded to conflict, the way I supported my son, the way I interacted with my husband about being maybe more on the same. Team and not parenting the same way. So I guess my expectation of him changed. I didn't need him to do things exactly how I wanted them done. it just brought more of a kumbaya, it just, there was more peace because I wasn't as high strung and I wasn't as upset about things that I didn't have control over, is a huge thing. I feel like sometimes as parents, we don't realize how much we get upset about. Things that we can't control and we're not even aware of it. It's just, then it affects everybody else.
ben_1_03-07-2025_102641:Yeah, I see that in today's world, all over the place. Like I'm a college sports fan. I love college football. I don't love college basketball, but I enjoy it. Um, I don't get into politics at all, but I see this. In politics and also in like education and religion. There's this victim mentality. Actually, you know how in leadership and self deception, like one of my favorite parts about the book by the way, is when I can never remember the main character's name. I can't remember. He goes into a meeting and he's talking to a guy I think named Bud and he is like, Hey, we gotta talk. Tom. Oh yeah. Tom is the main character. Good job. Bonus points for Cortni. Yeah, those are redeemable everywhere. You just let them know that they came from me anyways. When Tom goes and sits down and bud's like, Hey Tom, we gotta talk about a problem that you have. And Tom's like, what? I have a problem. And in the book it's. Abrupt. Like, I'm like, dang, you Like that's brutal. I try not to be that abrupt. But the truth is most people are in the box towards whoever it is that you have a problem with or whoever it is that you wish would change. And Cortni, I think if I remember correctly, like you were in the box towards your teenager, your husband. Various people. And in sports, you are in the box towards the other team. I am in the box towards the referees. I just think they'll hate me and they're all picking on me and I'm like, why? Why do you suck? I don't know. Maybe I'm not that rude. I, I do get upset, but like politics, we're all in the box against people that. We don't agree with in religion. I see this in education and my thing is all of those are too big. Like I can't change the whole NCAA sports, which I wish I could,'cause they're going in the wrong direction, in my opinion. Like they're ruining college football. I can't change that. I can't change education. I can't change religion or politics. But what I can do is change myself and a lot of times we think, oh, well obviously I can't change politics. Like that's so huge, but I can darn well change my team. Like he could. What's the opposite of begrudgingly? That's how we could unload. Load the squasher it.
cort_1_03-07-2025_112641:don't, we, but we can't control that. So let him be upset while he unloads a dishwasher
ben_1_03-07-2025_102641:Yes. Yeah.
cort_1_03-07-2025_112641:it attention, then I feel like it gets worse if I just ignore it and let him have, he's upset while he unloads it, then it's done and he moves on.
ben_1_03-07-2025_102641:Yeah. Yeah, really good. So like I was trying to show that like we go from this big thing and then we know we can't control that and we try and latch onto the little thing. You can't control your team, just like you can't control. Referees at a college basketball game, but you can control you. Um, what are some of the things that you identified that you could control after, like in the early days when you and I started working together?
cort_1_03-07-2025_112641:So long ago. Um, just my reactions, um, and how I showed up, that's pretty much all I can control. I mean, I can give consequences, but that doesn't work in my favor. Um, you know, there are boundaries, but. And there's a place for them, but not everything needs to have a consequence.
ben_1_03-07-2025_102641:Yeah, and one of the things I've noticed, typically when parents give a lot of consequences, they have an attachment to their desired outcome
cort_1_03-07-2025_112641:Mm-hmm.
ben_1_03-07-2025_102641:and giving the consequence. I. Is just another way of having control over something that you can't control.
cort_1_03-07-2025_112641:Yep. Exactly.
ben_1_03-07-2025_102641:And that's one of the reasons, like when I teach boundaries, I teach boundaries different than most other parenting experts because I don't want you setting boundaries. I don't want you enforcing consequences while focusing on something outside of your control. Like we gotta get the team to come home on time. No, you can't control whether or not your team comes home, home on time. So what you need to explore is what are the boundaries that I feel okay with regardless of whether or not my team comes home. Like, we'll, set this boundary. And if you choose not to come home on time, no problem, because here's a consequence. It's not to change your behavior. It's because this is what I feel good about as a parent, and this is who I'm going to be.
cort_1_03-07-2025_112641:Yeah.
ben_1_03-07-2025_102641:um, let's talk about this for a second. Parenting on the same team versus parenting on the same page. That's a concept that I've talked about. I don't know when you heard me talk about that last, but I wouldn't mind hearing your take on that before I muddy the waters by telling you my take on it.
cort_1_03-07-2025_112641:I mean, I could probably use a refresher. Um. Yeah. I mean, not everything has to be the same. I mean, it is what it is. Like everybody ha just like on a basketball team, everybody has their position where they're better at or they excel at, um, and. I don't know. has their role and I feel like that's how it should be in parenting. We don't have to do things the exact same because my husband might do things a little bit better maybe than I do at certain things. And then, you know, I have a, a different skillset, but as long as we have the same end goal, I guess. Does that
ben_1_03-07-2025_102641:Yeah. Yeah. I love that. That's perfect. When one of the problems that I see in parenting a lot, I. So I focus more on moms than I do dads. I'm happy to coach Dads. They're just a little bit harder. Usually they're less available. They're working. Sometimes they think they know everything. She's dads, they're the worst. Just joking. If you're a dad listening, you're awesome, awesome. But moms will come in and be like, I need my husband to be on the same page. And I'll ask like, well, what does that look like? Well, when my team does X, Y, and Z and I decide to blank, I need my husband to enforce that. And I'm like, what if your husband doesn't want to be the enforcer like that? Your idea of parenting on the same page is that you have one mind. You both agree completely and he'll do what you think you should. For me, parenting on the same team is more powerful because if my spouse doesn't want to be the enforcer and I want something to be enforced, that becomes my job. Oh, well, I need to be the enforcer. I need to be the change that I want to see. I liked where you talked about kind of being on the same team and like working towards the same end goal. One of the things that I've learned, so I used to use Hitler as an example because I think everyone just hates Hitler, and I'm not saying he doesn't deserve it, but I think we have more values in common with Hitler than we realize. Like at the end of the day, he probably wanted to sit back, drink a diet, Dr. Pepper and watch. College football, like we can disagree on a lot of the big stuff, but we can see, oh, hey, we have shared values. One of the most powerful things is when you have someone that you disagree with, like Hitler loved art. I wish he'd have had more buddies that love to do art with him so that while they're like painting happy trees over here and a happy little stream over here, that they could have been like, bro, the way you're treating the Jews. Stop it. Like why would you do that? And maybe he'd have had a good enough relationship that he could have listened anyways. When it comes to parenting on the same team, if you can find ways to connect on shared values, which one of the easiest shared values, like I've talked to parents that went through a brutal divorce. Like, I've talked to a mom who's like, me and my ex-husband have nothing in common. We don't share any values. I was like, oh, well what are you hoping for your team? Like what are your wishes and dreams? Oh, they'll be successful and they'll be happy and ex all this stuff. I'm like, what do you think your ex-husband's goals and dreams are for your teenager? Oh, well, he wants'em to be happy. He wants'em to be successful. A lot of times when you can. Find the common values and start to connect there. It makes it easier to be on the same team, which. Like when it comes to me and parenting, like the team I want to be on is my team's team. And so for me, like maybe one week I am the enforcer and maybe me and my wife don't agree on how we're parenting, but at the end of the day, if we can realize, oh, hey, we're still on the same team, like we want our team to be successful. That's one of the things that makes parenting on the same page. Easier, and I guarantee you or parent, I meant to say parenting on the same team. I misspeak all the time, but I guarantee you this, if you want to change your spouse or to change your husband, you are not going to effectively be on their same team. Does that make sense?
cort_1_03-07-2025_112641:Mm-hmm. Because they're your opposition if you're wanting to change them. Right.
ben_1_03-07-2025_102641:Yeah. Yeah, I love that when you said they're your opposition. So this morning I played basketball with a bunch of dudes and my team wasn't very good. And anyways, we're playing this one team and they demolished us, so I had to go sit on the bench anyways. I sat on the bench. The team that beat me, they had just lost. They came and sat on the bench. After a while, this person who was on the opposite team that I had to guard and I was in opposition and sometimes this guy annoys me. We're even more in op opposition, like I'm definitely in the box towards this guy. Anyways, we went from being on opposite teams. We're on opposition to being on the same team, and there was one time where I totally could have passed him the ball, but I was still pissed at him from the time that he wasn't on my team,
cort_1_03-07-2025_112641:Oh
ben_1_03-07-2025_102641:and we ended up losing that game too. Just the image of being in opposition. Sometimes we are in opposition because we're still pissed off at our team or at our spouse from something that happened yesterday. How have you found ways to kinda reset that and be on the same team, either with your teen or with your husband?
cort_1_03-07-2025_112641:Oh man. Um, I don't know. I try not to let as much bother me. Um, pro probably because we've worked so much on recognizing things that I can't control. Um, I don't know. What was your question again?
ben_1_03-07-2025_102641:How do you find ways to be on the same team? But I, I liked your answer. I don't let as much bother me.
cort_1_03-07-2025_112641:Yeah,
ben_1_03-07-2025_102641:I. That to me sounds like you constantly work on being out of the box
cort_1_03-07-2025_112641:I
ben_1_03-07-2025_102641:either. Yeah.
cort_1_03-07-2025_112641:Yeah. But when you said you were still pissed at that guy, like, that just goes to show when you're still pissed at your husband for not doing something. Like of course things aren't gonna work out, you're not gonna win. Right? Like that's what I was thinking when you were telling that story of if you're that way with your spouse, you're not gonna come out on the other side.
ben_1_03-07-2025_102641:Yeah. Um, I've been taking my 9-year-old to play basketball with me. He's a 9-year-old, so obviously he's not gonna be as good as the adult men that I'll go there. A ball came off the rim just perfect. My 9-year-old grabbed it. He was in perfect range to shoot it, and one of these grown men walked over and just took it from him. And every, like, everyone kind of stopped and they're like. What the crap. Anyway, I was so pissed. I left basketball early that morning. I'm like, I'm done this. You guys suck. Like I'm at it. I didn't like yell at him. I just was like, no, I've had enough. That was on a Friday. On Monday, me and that dude got on the same team and I was still kind of annoyed with him. But our team just kept winning and kept winning. And there were a couple of plays. So I'm six foot tall, 255 pounds. I'm a big dude. This guy would be like bent, just post up on that little guy, go post up and like it was interesting to go from being pissed at the dude to being like, no. Like he knows how to utilize me and. There were a couple of plays where he'd pass it to me, I'd draw the defense, I'd kick it right back out, and he'd hit a three pointer and afterwards we're like giving each other five. And when you can find ways to be on the same team, your chances of success go through the roof. Like it's almost guaranteed. Um, okay. We only have a few more minutes. I, oh dang. I actually gotta get ready to leave soon. Here's. What I would say real quick, and then Cortni, I wanna hear your 2 cents. Is it fair to say that anytime you think someone else needs coaching, that's an indicator that you yourself need coaching?
cort_1_03-07-2025_112641:Yes. I mean, why not, right?
ben_1_03-07-2025_102641:Yeah.
cort_1_03-07-2025_112641:What if they don't want coaching? So are you just gonna throw your hands up in the air? Are you gonna get upset with them because that's not gonna make them want coaching anymore? I feel like by me pushing my son to get coaching, it almost makes him, I can't speak for him, but looking back, I feel like it could create shame or like there's something wrong with
ben_1_03-07-2025_102641:Yeah.
cort_1_03-07-2025_112641:to work with him.
ben_1_03-07-2025_102641:Yeah.
cort_1_03-07-2025_112641:that's the message that he's getting by me pushing coaching. in turn, by me getting coaching and changing the way I show up, I feel like it's worked to everybody's benefit, and I love it. I love working on myself. It makes me feel better.
ben_1_03-07-2025_102641:Yeah,
cort_1_03-07-2025_112641:Yeah.
ben_1_03-07-2025_102641:I love that. And here's one of the things, when you talked about like if I push my team to get coaching, am I pushing this idea that there's something wrong with him?
cort_1_03-07-2025_112641:Mm-hmm.
ben_1_03-07-2025_102641:Even deeper than that, if you think your team needs coaching, you believe there's something wrong with them,
cort_1_03-07-2025_112641:Yeah.
ben_1_03-07-2025_102641:our teens, they're not smart enough to like pick up on that and be like, oh, hey, my mom doesn't believe in me. What happens is. They subconsciously pick up on that and there's a chance that they will mirror that. So, man, if mom doesn't believe in me, now you've got a teen who doesn't believe in themselves. And one of the things that I like to tell people, nobody needs coaching, like coaching is completely optional. No one needs it. It's kinda like Netflix, like nobody needs Netflix. Nobody needs that extra slice of pizza. The thing is, I've worked with enough teens and adults to know that when a teen wants coaching, like teens today are more resourceful than we give them credit for. If you have a teen who wants coaching, yeah, let's totally get'em into coaching because it will help them reach their goals, but not from a place of lack or a place of need. From a place of completeness. And I want to add this to my game, to my skills, and as a parent, like this is one, my kids as a life coach, like my kids are very resistant towards life coaches. They're like. Well, life coaches suck. Why do I want one? Anytime I try and push my kids to get life coaching, they push back.
cort_1_03-07-2025_112641:Yeah.
ben_1_03-07-2025_102641:don't need to push them to do that. That's just an indicator, Ben, you've got work to do. Go do your own work and stop focusing on the work that you want other people to do.
cort_1_03-07-2025_112641:Mm-hmm.
ben_1_03-07-2025_102641:So, okay. Anything else you want to add before we tell the good people goodbye?
cort_1_03-07-2025_112641:No, I, yeah, it's good.
ben_1_03-07-2025_102641:I was hoping you'd tell him to text us
cort_1_03-07-2025_112641:Oh,
ben_1_03-07-2025_102641:the,
cort_1_03-07-2025_112641:text us. Go to an episode and find the little link that says, send Ben a text and
ben_1_03-07-2025_102641:yeah.
cort_1_03-07-2025_112641:a message.
ben_1_03-07-2025_102641:Yeah. Even if you just have a question like, Ben, what should I do? My teenager?
cort_1_03-07-2025_112641:No. Oh,
ben_1_03-07-2025_102641:What's that?
cort_1_03-07-2025_112641:I said what's for dinner? But you're talking about like coaching. Okay.
ben_1_03-07-2025_102641:Yeah. Yeah, you can ask me what's for dinner. I'll tell you what we're eating at my house. I'll even send you some, Cortni, I will wrap up some lasagna in a box and I will mail it to your house and you can let me know.
cort_1_03-07-2025_112641:Does Deb make it?
ben_1_03-07-2025_102641:Uh, no. I don't know why I picked lasagna, because I love lasagna. Uh, Deb probably cooks. 75% of our meals, I cook the other 25%. And lasagna isn't one of the things that we normally cook. It's just a lot of work.
cort_1_03-07-2025_112641:Well, so Costco has a bomb lasagna. It's the Italian sausage one. It's so good.
ben_1_03-07-2025_102641:Uh, I'm gonna have to, well, I live two and a half hours away from a Costco, but I'm gonna have to try it out.
cort_1_03-07-2025_112641:Next time you venture to the city.
ben_1_03-07-2025_102641:Right after I get my Costco card, it's gonna be an expensive lasagna. Okay. Well guys, thank you for listening. Thank you for being here, and we'll be back next week to help you be the parent of your dreams.