Help! My Teen Made a Big Mistake

Help! My teen made a big mistake! What now?

In this episode, I’m answering a heartfelt question from a parent who feels stuck after their teen made a big mess of things. If you’ve ever worried that your family is falling apart, this one’s for you.

We’ll talk about how to handle tough teen choices, what to do when parenting feels hopeless, and how YOU can lead your family toward growth and healing. Mistakes don’t have to be the end of the story—they can be the start of something better.

You’ve got this, and I’m here to help!

Connect with me:
📧 Email: ben@benpughcoaching.com
🌐 Website: benpughcoaching.com

Want a Simple Step by Step Parenting Debrief Guide?

Go download the FREE Parenting Debrief Guide.

It’s simple and quick. It will help you uplevel your parenting. And, it’s completely FREE!

1. Go to benpughcoaching.com/debrief
2. Download the debrief
3. Start with your own internal debrief.

Transcript

Ben: 0:00

I'm Ben Pugh and you're listening to IMPACT! Parenting with Perspective. This podcast is all about helping parents manage the mental and emotional drama that comes with parenting teens so they can focus on what's most important. Building rock solid relationships and having a powerful impact on their teen's life. Join me each week as I dive into real tools to help you and your teen turn struggles into strengths.

ben_1_04-08-2025_201104: 0:33

Hello, welcome back to the podcast. Thank you for being here with me. if you are new listening, I am Ben. I am a parent and teen life coach, and I help parents and teenagers create the relationship that they want. Now, you might be saying, you know what? My teen doesn't want anything to do with me. They don't want a relationship, and fortunately. The truth is your teen wants more of a relationship than they're probably willing to admit, and that's a good thing. Anyways, today we are going to be talking about parenting and we're going to be talking about a really big topic. This is something that someone, messaged me via fan mail, which. Thank you guys for using fan mail. I have this one that we're gonna talk about today, and I have another one that we're going to talk about in next week's episode. They were different enough that I felt like they each deserved their own. Specific episode. So today we're going to be talking about how to handle choices that your teenager might be making and how to handle it when your spouse doesn't. Approve of those choices and maybe doesn't even want to be a parent anymore. So before I dive all the way into that, I just want to remind you, if you would like to leave some fan mail, I'm using this as an opportunity for me to connect with you, the listener, and if you have any questions for me or if you just wanna say, Hey Ben, thank you for your help. This is awesome. Feel free to. Text me that as well, but if you have a question for me, feel free to text me and let me know and I will do my best to address it in an upcoming podcast episode. There is one down downfall with fan mail. I don't get any of your contact information. I think I can see the city that you live in, but I don't get your email address. So I can't reply to you personally. I can only give you this here, in podcast form. But I'm going to address one of the questions that got submitted to me, and she said, I'd love this to be a podcast episode, but can you also let me know the best way to work with you? to help my husband. I'll tell you all of that. Let's just, first, let's dive into this question that this mom asked. She said, hi, Ben. We are really struggling. My husband says he hates being a parent more than anything, and he would never do this again. My daughter made some pretty bad choices and he says it has ruined him and he'll never be the same since she made those. Bad choices. It's like all the relationships in our family have gone downhill. I'm feeling hopeless. Please help us. here's the thing that I would first start with. Does your husband want help? That is a huge question that we need to address. I, I. There's two specific people that I've turned down more than anyone else when it comes to working with me one-on-one. Number one is teenagers that don't want help. Teenagers who don't want a life coach, teenagers who don't want to change. When parents bring me those teenagers all like, I'm not mean, I don't kick'em off the call, but I sit with'em. I see if I can help them. I see what they're interested in and typically. I set the teenager free and then I turn my attention to the parents and I'm like, Hey, if your teen doesn't want help, I can't help them, but I can help you. The second group of people that I turn away the most are husbands that their wife is like, Hey, I listen to this guy's podcast. He's awesome. I wish you would incorporate what he does. And then the poor husband shows up on a free consultation with me and they're like, my wife says I have to talk to you. Like, let's get this over with. If your husband doesn't want help, I can't help him. But if you want your husband to change, if you want your husband to get help, that is the universe giving you a subtle reminder that you have the power to be the change that you want to see. And something amazing happens when you commit to being the change. Things around you change. So. I want you to understand that you are not alone. I actually hear this type of thing more often than you would realize. I have parents all the time reach out to me. They're like, my child has ruined their life. They've made these bad choices, and it's never gonna be the same. And I feel your pain. I am really sorry that you're having to go through this. Parenting teens is not the easiest job in the world. And I think we've all kind of realized this, but I want you to understand when your teen makes a quote unquote big mistake, it can totally feel like everything is just falling apart and it can be really hard. And I want you to just explore with me, could it be possible that nothing's falling apart? Could it be possible that this exact thing needs to happen so that you can experience the growth that you need so that your teen will be motivated to live differently so that your husband can really explore? Who, if I don't want to be a dad, who do I want to be? And I can tell you. Like I, when I was a teen, I got in a lot of trouble. I accidentally let my school bus on fire with rubber cement. I remember at the time my parents, like my mom specifically, she's like, I only know. Two kids, whoever got suspended from school, and this is my first time getting suspended, which means I got suspended more than once anyways. She's like, I only knew two kids who ever got suspended from school and one's dead and the other's in prison. Like that's what I thought was going to be my reality. My mom was catastrophizing, which. We're herd animals. If she catastrophizes, I'm going to catastrophize. I'm looking at the language. my daughter made some pretty bad choices and my husband says it has ruined him, and he'll never be the same. Okay, so first off, I do. I want to invite you, hit me up for a free coaching call. I'll give you a free coaching call, at the end of that free coaching call. You're more than welcome to keep working with me if you don't want to. No problem. I just give people free coaching calls all the time, but. If your husband is willing, that would be great. I would love to talk with you and your husband, and possibly even your daughter, if that's a possibility. If no one's on board, but you hit me up for a free coaching call, I would love to help you with this. Here are a couple of things that I wanna talk about when it comes to this, fan mail. There's this mentality that all is lost, that uh, lemme just find your language again. Um, she made some really bad choices. My husband doesn't wanna be a parent. He'll never be the same. Since this happened, our relationships have gone downhill. I'm feeling hopeless. The language around this. You have this mindset that sometimes I like to call the victim mentality. Sometimes I'll call it catastrophizing, sometimes I'll call it the all is lost mindset, and it's understandable that you'd be thinking this way. A lot of parents believe that. When things fall apart or when things aren't going, how you or when your teen makes decisions that you can't get behind, that something is wrong. And we've been taught to see these breakdowns as a sign of failure. Like this means something is wrong, and we live in a culture that teaches us to fear. Breakdowns to fear mistakes and mess ups. Um, there was a time, there was a sexting scandal in my small town. It involved a bunch of the young women that I know through church or at the local high school. It involved a bunch of the young men that I know through church or through football or through athletics, and the district brought out this lady. And she was just this fire and brimstone, doom and gloom. She's like, these kids had have ruined their lives. They will never be able to recover from this. And if you do this, you are gonna ruin your life. You'll never be able to recover. This is that same mentality. The all is lost. And the thing is, I do not want our teenagers to believe that any mistake. Can ruin their life. And you might be like, well, Ben, that's easy for you to say, like you only let your school bus on fire, but my teen killed someone. Or my teen is selling drugs, or My teen got pregnant and I. The truth is it doesn't matter how severe whatever happened is we don't want them to be in the all is lost mindset because if they are like this motivational speaker that they brought out to talk about the sexting thing, like the message that she's telling the kids, this will ruin your life. If. That might motivate you to never send nudes or never get into sexting if you've never done that before. But for the kids that were involved and they're like, crap, I ruined my life. There's no way I can recover from this. That's the message that was being taught, and that's the message that we give as parents sometimes when we have this all is lost mentality and understand this isn't your fault, like. And we live in a culture that teaches this. It's like, no, you ruined your life. Like I felt like I ruined my life when I set my school bus on fire. And everything feels like it's out of our control. And we feel like, well, something's wrong, like this must be broken. But the truth is whatever your daughter chose to do, like sure. It may not be ideal. It's not the end. There is redemption. There is growth. There's something to be learned. However, your husband feels about parenting, it's not the end. We can work through this. We can make meaning of it. So oftentimes times it's these struggles that become the exact moment that. It helps propel us on to grow and to reconnect with our teenager and to better understand who we are and who we want to be. So if it feels like everything is falling apart for you, I want you to just question that. Could it be possible that everything is falling into place this moment, this struggle that you're going through, it's an invitation for you to grow. It's not like an invitation like, oh, well you are the mom and this is your daughter. You've gotta fix it. No, it's an invitation for you to be like, okay, well I'm the mom of this daughter. I am connected to this circumstance. Now who do I want to be? In the face of this and then practice being that version of you. There's this concept that I teach. It's a little out there. Some of the things that I teach people are like, wow, man, that's a little too woo for me. I'm into the woo woo. I like it. My last name's Pugh. We could call this like the Pugh. Woo. I believe that every time that we wish we could change someone else. That is a subconscious invitation for us to grow in that exact area. Your teen, your husband, in this example, they're a mirror. They're showing you like, yeah, your husband might not wanna be a dad right now. He might not wanna be a parent. He might say, man, this is the worst decision I've ever made. I would never do it again. Look at the change that you want to create in your husband and ask yourself, how can I be that change? So I want you to understand a few things. Number one, you cannot control your husband. You can't undo your daughter's choices, but you can totally be the change. That you want to see, you can be the calm in the storm. That's one of the things that I pride myself in. Like people have come to me tell me like, no, Ben, you don't get it. Like, my son is about to go to jail. I'm sorry for your son. That's terrible. I'm sorry for your daughter and whatever she's dealing with. I'm sorry that your husband is having to deal with what he's dealing with. You can be the calm, you can be the one who keeps things. In perspective, one of the exercises that I teach that I feel is super helpful is for you to come up with a 10 word vision statement to help you understand who you want to be as a parent. Your parenting identity, this 10 word vision statement of who you want to be can help guide you when everything else feels like is falling apart. Knowing who you want to be as a mother can help you let go of who you want your husband to be as a father, which by the way, who you want your husband to be as a father that's outside of your control, who you want to be as a mother. That is 100% within your control. So one of the things that I would invite you to do is to come up with your 10 word vision statement. I've talked about that in multiple podcasts. Um, one of the cool things, in fact, I could do this right now, one of the cool things with my website, ben pugh coaching.com, if you go to the podcast. Tab, there's a little magnifying glass icon where you can search things and I was just gonna search 10 word vision and it'll tell you what episode number. So episode 2 45, I taught how to create a 10 word vision statement. Um, episode 2 44, creating a vision for better parenting. Apparently I did those back to back, um, episode 1 45. The identity process, and this is where I teach the 10 word vision statement. You can go learn how to do that. It's super easy. Um, we'll probably talk about it on the free call, uh, that which I'm gonna tell you how to access. But the powerful thing to realize is that when you know who you want to be, for example, my 10 word vision statement is. Let's see, parenting with love, confidence, and curiosity is easy and fun. That is my 10 word vision statement. When I was working on being the dad that I wanted to be, I had one of these taped above my bed on my bathroom mirror, on the refrigerator door, on the pantry door, and on the door that goes. From our house out into our garage. I saw it multiple times. This was a reminder of who I wanted to be. And one of the most powerful reminders was one time I was not being very curious and I wasn't being very loving with my son. And my son. is like, you know what, dad? I don't feel like you're being very loving or curious right now. And I was like, what are you talking about? The word sounded familiar. I was like, oh, that's my 10 word vision statement. Your teen will help you be the parent that you want to be in tough parenting moments. The 10 word vision statement, understanding who you want to be. This will become your anchor, your compass. This will help you know who you want to be, even when all hell breaks loose, even when the crap hits the fan. This will help you instead of reacting with fear or, catastrophizing. This can help you realize, oh, if I'm in fear, I'm probably focusing on something outside of my control. I. Let me bring that in. Who do I want to be? And it can help get you out of fear and into love and confidence and curiosity. So I don't know who you are. I know you're from Utah. Utah's a big, huge place. So there probably a ton of people listening to this podcast. Like, oh my goodness, I didn't write that, but that could totally be me and I'm in Utah. Here's the thing that I want you to do, if this is you. Shoot me an email. Just go to ben@benpughcoaching.com and say, Ben, thank you for the podcast. You don't even have to say thank you. You can be like, Ben, that is not what I was hoping for. The podcast sucked. But I want to take you up on the free coaching call. Tell me how, and I will reach out to you and we'll coordinate some days where we can find a time where I can work with you. Hopefully your husband as well, and possibly even your daughter. Uh, but really all I need is you. You don't realize the power that you have. And there was a mom, she brought me her son. She's like, Ben, my son likes to smoke weed too much. He's not taking school seriously. He's got dumb friends and he is getting in trouble. I want you to work with him. Well, I talked to the son and he didn't want anything to do with me. So I told the mom, Hey, your son doesn't want anything to do with me. I can't help him. Let me help you. The mom took a chance. She's like, but he's the one smoking weed. He's the one who won't do school. He's the one making dumb decisions. And the mom was like, you know what? Fine, I'll go ahead. I'll work with you. Let's schedule out the sessions. Session number one, I taught her about the identity and who she wanted to be. I taught her how to identify things that are within her control, things that aren't within her control, and she is like, okay, I'll go work on this. Before our second session, she reached out and she's like, Ben, you would be so proud of me. My son's a freaking knucklehead. He got in trouble for driving under the influence, and I nailed it. I was the mom that I wanted to be, and what would've been a terrible, awful situation. Really wasn't that bad and it's actually helped us grow closer. It's like, awesome. That's great. I can't wait to talk to you about it. Well, on the very next session, so this is session number two, she's like, Ben, I have good news. My son also wants to work with you. She's like, I'm gonna keep my sessions because this is helpful, but my son is willing to work with you. I got on a call with his son because I'm not willing to just work with a teenager. If they don't wanna work with me, and I'm like, dude, what changed? Why do you wanna work with me? And he's like, bro, if you can do that with my mom, like the cops were there. I was in so much trouble. And my mom didn't yell. She was kind. He's like, if you can do that, I'm willing to work with you. The thing I want you to understand is that you have more power to be the change than you realize. I don't think your family is ruined. I think this is something pretty messy, probably something pretty heavy that you are in the middle of. And I want you to understand that no matter how tough this is, it can totally have a beautiful ending. And I'm not saying that it can have a beautiful ending, like, well, it might, who knows? I don't know. It might. It might not. No, I'm saying it can totally have a beautiful end ending, but it's up to you to be committed to letting the present moment be and trusting that it's going to end up beautifully in the end. We talked about a bunch of things here. Let's go back to identity right now. I would say you're probably, you're operating outta the victim mentality. You're definitely catastrophizing. I do this too. It's just part of being a parent and part of being a human being. When you work on your identity, be sure to not. Have it be attached to the desired outcome that you have for your daughter. Like, well, I'm gonna be the mom of my dreams. I'm gonna do this perfectly. And then my daughter is going to be like the boy that you mentioned who just completely changed because I changed. You can't change, you can't be the mom of your dreams so that your daughter or your husband will change because that's manipulative. You're trying to change so that they'll change. The secret is you've got to commit to being the change that you want to see regardless of how your daughter behaves. Regardless of how your husband looks at his role as a dad, be the mom that you want to be for you, makes parenting so much easier. It makes it way more fun. So if this is you that sent me this question. And please feel free. Email me. ben@benpughcoaching.com and I will give you a free coaching call if this isn't you and you're like, Ben, I need help too. This is what I'm struggling with. You know what? I'll give you a free coaching call too. Just email me at ben@benpughcoaching.com. It's free. I'm not gonna. I'm not a high pressure salesman. If you want to work with me, awesome. If not, there are tons of people that have met with. In fact, I can think of people on the top of my head. I can think of a dad, I can think of a couple of moms who have met with me for free. And they decided not to work with me, and they still listen to the podcast and at least one dad and a couple of moms. I've met with them for free again months later, and I'm just here to help. So if this was you, hit me up. If possible, bring your husband along and if even more possible, you're welcome to bring the daughter. Uh, probably. I wouldn't wanna talk with all of you all at the same time, like bring you and your husband and we can find a time where I can talk with you and your daughter. We can figure that out. But go, just email me ben@benpughcoaching.com. So everyone else listening. If you're going through the same thing, the good news is you are not alone. Even if it feels like you're alone and it feels like everything's unraveling and life sucks, I promise you there's a way forward and the easiest way, and I feel like this is one of the things that really sets me apart from other. Parenting experts, which guys, I don't claim to be a parenting expert. I want to help you be the parent expert for your family. But one of the things that really sets me apart from other parenting gurus and other experts, most other parenting experts, they're more focused on your teenager, on your spouse, on changing the behavior. That's not me. I've tried it. I tried it as a foster parent. I tried it as a parent. I sometimes try it to this day as a parent with my own teenagers. I tried it as a principal. It doesn't work what I teach works and it shifts the focus. From your teen, from your spouse, from anything outside of your control, and it shifts your focus to you. The one thing within your control, and it starts working from day one. Like I've read business books, I've read parenting books. It's like, all right, read step one and then get to step two, and then, no, what I teach like this podcast. What we've talked about today, you taking the time to just be like, all right, what's my 10 word vision statement? You know, it doesn't matter how my husband feels about parenting and how my daughter feels about me, I'm gonna be the parent of my dreams. That's probably way more than 10 words, but you come up with your 10 word vision statement, and I promise you that alone has the power to. Greatly improve your situation. So thank you all for listening next week. Um, I'm gonna be reading another one. Actually, it'll probably be next week. Um, I. Please feel free. Keep the fan mail coming. Um, I think there might be a word limit because the next one that I have looks like it got cut off halfway. Um, talks about a child who paid 250 bucks. Um, and let's see, he used the money for a tattoo. If that's you, I only got. Half of the message you wrote final thoughts and I lost it. So if that's you, send me the second half of the message. You're welcome to email me, Ben at Ben Pugh coaching. And guys, keep the fan mail coming. That helps me know how to best help you. Uh, if this story wasn't you. That's okay. Go do the 10 word vision statement anyways. If you and I were to work together, probably the first thing I would have you do is sit down and define who is it that you even want to be as a mom. Who do you want to be as a parent? What does being the parent of your dreams look like? Get to work on that. And it'll help your parenting. It'll improve your relationship with your teen. All right guys, thank you for sticking around. Sorry that podcast got kinda long. That was kind of a heavy topic. Um, if that's, you just know you're not alone. You are so not alone. I hear that. Not the exact question, but the same tone, the same. Same thing like my kid has made of a huge mistake. Life will never be the same. What do I do? I get it. I promise I can help you. Hit me up in an email. Let's get started. I'll see you guys soon.