Secrets To Thriving With Independent Teens

Do you have a teen who wants to do things their own way? You’re not alone! In this episode, Ben and Cortni talk about what to do when your teen becomes more independent and starts making choices you don’t always agree with.

You’ll learn:

• How to set healthy rules and boundaries
• Why it’s okay for your teen to have different values than you
• Ways to stay calm and loving, even during tough times
• How to connect with your teen, even if they push back

Ben shares real stories, fun moments, and simple tips to help you build a strong relationship with your teen—even when they want to do things their own way.

Listen now and discover the secrets to thriving with your independent teen!

Want a Simple Step by Step Parenting Debrief Guide?

Go download the FREE Parenting Debrief Guide.

It’s simple and quick. It will help you uplevel your parenting. And, it’s completely FREE!

1. Go to benpughcoaching.com/debrief
2. Download the debrief
3. Start with your own internal debrief.

Transcript

Ben: 0:00

I'm Ben Pugh and you're listening to IMPACT! Parenting with Perspective. This podcast is all about helping parents manage the mental and emotional drama that comes with parenting teens so they can focus on what's most important. Building rock solid relationships and having a powerful impact on their teen's life. Join me each week as I dive into real tools to help you and your teen turn struggles into strengths.

ben_1_04-11-2025_121503: 0:31

Hello guys. Welcome back to the podcast. Um, Cortni is done being a slacker and she is back here on the podcast with me.

cortni-guest135_1_04-11-2025_131505: 0:41

Yeah.

ben_1_04-11-2025_121503: 0:42

If anyone's the slacker outta the two of us, it's probably me. But anyways, we're going to do another podcast that is inspired by recent fan mail this one is with a mom who is struggling with a teenage son. He's 18. Can I just tell you it is a little harder when your. Teen becomes 18 because then they can always throw that, well, I'm an adult thing in your face and I'll teach you how to deal with that.'cause my oldest is 18 and we're dealing with this all the time. But before we dive into this week's question, I want to just quickly reiterate how to reach out to me. You can hit the little Send Ben a text button. Which is in your podcast. One thing that you should know though, it doesn't give me, it tells me like the general area where you live and your, I don't even think it tells me your name. Like it doesn't tell me anything. So I'm not gonna read the whole thing, but basically this mom, first of all, she gave us a huge compliment. She's like, a couple of things that I've learned from you. That have been invaluable are, number one, you can only control yourself. Such a basic concept, but your exercise of writing down what you actually can control, which guys, this is just called the T chart of control. Super simple. But like this mother said, it is totally mind blowing. If you are struggling with something similar to what this mom is struggling, I would invite you to be in the T chart of control. Often explore it, write it out if you have to. We'll talk more about the T-chart of control. The other thing that she mentioned is that my son and I do not have the same values, and that was something that Cortni noticed right off the bat besides the mom saying, I don't have the same values as my son. What else shined a light on that for you?

cortni-guest135_1_04-11-2025_131505: 2:58

Um, just even though you don't have the same values, is that a deal breaker? Like, is it directly impacting your life? Can you let your. Child or whoever has different values be who they are and love them where they're at. You know, I don't feel like all differing values need to be an issue.

ben_1_04-11-2025_121503: 3:19

Yeah.

cortni-guest135_1_04-11-2025_131505: 3:19

to have different values.

ben_1_04-11-2025_121503: 3:22

I actually believe what, when I teach about values, I teach that people have roughly the same amount of values in common as they have in conflict. In my course, when I teach about values, we talk about conflicting values. The problem is the world that we live in today, and if you want an example of this, just looked at. Cortni thinks, I'm gonna say politics, but I'm not. Look at freaking March Madness. Just joking. Sports is a good example. Like I'm A BYU fan. We made it to the sweet 16 and then Alabama shot the freaking lights out and we couldn't beat'em. In that moment is like BYU against Alabama, BYU fans against Alabama fans, and they were getting ugly. On Facebook. I'm like, why did you like trolls all over the place? Politics is another example. We just focus on the values that are in conflict and we get hung up on that and then we have a sucky relationship. Whereas if we could explore, Hey, what values do we have in common? And. If this was my 18-year-old, I'm actually having to practice this with my 18-year-old right now. My goal would be to really explore what values do we have in common? Where can we connect? Like, I'm probably not gonna go get a tattoo with my child if that's his highest value, but he values really good food. I might go to a steakhouse with him. I find the shared values.

cortni-guest135_1_04-11-2025_131505: 5:02

I was gonna say, pretend like you don't value really good food.

ben_1_04-11-2025_121503: 5:06

I don't know anyone who doesn't value really good food.

cortni-guest135_1_04-11-2025_131505: 5:10

I thought you were insinuating that was his, one of his big values. I'm like, that's probably on your list too.

ben_1_04-11-2025_121503: 5:16

It is one of his big values, but it's also one of mine. So that's where the thing is. Like if he wanted to get a tattoo, I don't value that, but I would find like I would maybe have to go down this long list. Let's see. I don't value getting a tattoo. I don't value playing video games. I don't value. Oh, he gets into politics big time. I don't care. Values the same there. Like, I'm just gonna skip all these values that we don't have in common and then we get to one that we do food. Let's go get a burger.

cortni-guest135_1_04-11-2025_131505: 5:45

No.

ben_1_04-11-2025_121503: 5:48

um, okay, so let's see the thing she said that. Things are kind of getting better. Um, we have literally been to hell and back with my son. He is now 18 clean and not suicidal. By the way. Suicide is a hard one, but if we do a t-chart of control, that also lands on the side of things outside of our control. If you're struggling with a teen who is suicidal, it's really hard, but you have to really shift your attention to being who you want to be and realizing there's su certain aspects of suicide that you can't control. Like we had a foster child that, um, we were scared to death that we'd wake up one morning and find her. Dead. So things within our control were like, well, we can remove the doors from her bedroom. Um, privacy, which is usually right in our home, became a privilege because of where she was at mentally. Um, we can remove the closet rods. We can set a time limit. For using the bathroom and do a body check after. Luckily, because I'm a guy and she was a girl, I never had to do the body check. My wife got to do that, but I, you really have to explore what can I control and let go of the thing outside of your control. And one of the biggest places where I see parents. Getting close to hitting the mark, but still missing the mark with the T chart of control. It's when they start moving their attention from these things outside of their control over to what they can control and still having an attachment and suicide is probably the extreme here, but still it's a good example. You're controlling the things. Within your control while still having an attachment to your desired outcome, which is something outside of your control.

cortni-guest135_1_04-11-2025_131505: 7:57

Mm-hmm.

ben_1_04-11-2025_121503: 7:58

And with the suicide thing, like, yeah, we removed the doors, the, the closet rods, the, like, we can even leave, you know, the scraper blades that you can use to clean a glass top stove surface.

cortni-guest135_1_04-11-2025_131505: 8:13

Uh, no.

ben_1_04-11-2025_121503: 8:14

one of those.

cortni-guest135_1_04-11-2025_131505: 8:15

Nope,

ben_1_04-11-2025_121503: 8:16

Oh.

cortni-guest135_1_04-11-2025_131505: 8:17

think I, yes, I do. Yeah, I do know.

ben_1_04-11-2025_121503: 8:20

Yeah, so we couldn't even, that had to be locked in a cabinet. These are all things that we could control. The really hard part was letting go of our attachment to like, but I'm attached. She's gotta stay alive. She's gotta be healthy. Which by the way, she is still alive. She's doing. Relatively good. Foster kids have a hard time, like they just take'em a little while. Cortni, is there anything that you would add to, uh, let's talk about the attachment component being attached to things outside of your control. I know you've got some experience with that. Any insight that you can land us in this area?

cortni-guest135_1_04-11-2025_131505: 9:01

Um, we've worked through a lot of this. Um. I mean, like you just said, I, I had let go of things that were outside of my control, but I was still attached to what I wanted to happen. And if it didn't happen then I was upset. Um, so you can still be disappointed if you're attached to that. I sometimes we just have to let things be, and like you said, worry about what we can control. We're so worried about controlling so much of not just our own lives, but our kids for sure. I.

ben_1_04-11-2025_121503: 9:34

Yeah, and I'm okay with having attachments like I don't think you can not have attachments as human beings. And imagine like how sucky your childhood experience would be if your parents had no attachment to you. If you're like, man, they don't even care if I live or die.

cortni-guest135_1_04-11-2025_131505: 9:57

Yeah.

ben_1_04-11-2025_121503: 9:57

I'm okay with having attachments. The thing that I want you to understand is that if you are experiencing disappointment in your life and unhappiness, ask yourself, what am I attached to that's outside my control? Like if I'd lost this foster daughter, I lost a student to suicide my first year as principal. I. I had a huge attachment and I went through a ton of pain when that happened. I'm okay understanding the attachment, like, oh, well, of course I miss him. Of course I'm sad, but I'm not going to dwell on the things that are outside of my control. I'm going to process the emotional reaction rather than maintaining that continued attachment. Does that even make sense?

cortni-guest135_1_04-11-2025_131505: 10:50

Yes,

ben_1_04-11-2025_121503: 10:51

Okay. Cortni was like, no, it doesn't really make sense, but let's move on. No,

cortni-guest135_1_04-11-2025_131505: 10:55

it does.

ben_1_04-11-2025_121503: 10:56

basically guys know your attachments. Um, the, this mom really good things she said like, how do I support an adult teen who lives at home that is doing things against my values? I would check your attachments right there, like she mentioned, like tattoos, face, piercings. Face tattoos. She didn't mention that, but every time I see Post Malone, I just think, ouch. I don't think I could do that. But really explore. What are your attachments? Um, I coached, uh, parents once that had a daughter who got pregnant. Actually, she didn't even get pregnant. She, they had found out that she was having sex or something. They were attached to this idea of having a daughter who didn't have sex, and that attachment made it really hard to, for them to build a connection with the daughter that they actually had who had had sex. Um, really check your attachments. like me and Cortni and all the parents that listen to this podcast, I guarantee you like. 93% would agree with you. No. No. Your values of like not getting tattoos, not getting piercings, not sleeping at the girl's girlfriend's house. Those are my values. Those are better values. That's still just herd mentality, like there's no hierarchy in the value scale. What's important to someone? What's someone's value? That's the most important to them. That's higher on their scale than yours, but there's no universal scale that's like, no, no. Video games are slightly higher than tattoos, but straight A's at school. Those are like at the top of the, no, there's no hierarchy. Just try and understand why your team values what it is that they value. Cortni, you were la you were laughing at me. Would you like to explain yourself?

cortni-guest135_1_04-11-2025_131505: 13:07

you just, just, you said No, no, no, no. Just the way you said it, it was great.

ben_1_04-11-2025_121503: 13:12

No. No. Okay, so here's, she gave a real life example. My home. Sometimes I can't read. My son came home with another tattoo after we told him he wouldn't be able to drive the car if he didn't have the money.$250 to pay the deductible. When the car came out of the shop for a car accident, he used the money on a tattoo. Now I have to enforce my side, which will cause conflict and make me look like I'm the issue. Look, look at your focus. It'll make me look like I am the issue. Who are you focusing on? Like your teen's gonna say you're the issue no matter what. And they're gonna tell all their te teen friends that I'm not the problem. My mom is freaking crazy. She's the problem. Don't worry about how other people perceive you. Be confident in being the parent that you want to be. Don't worry about this conflict that's outside of your control. Don't worry about the perception that's outside of your control. Uh, lemme keep reading. Um, helping him out until he gets paid again. We still walk on eggshells because we have been in such dark places with him. Look at the focus. I, I sound like a. Guys, this is what I sound like in coaching too. Sorry. You may listen to this podcast and be like, I never wanna work with Ben. But look at the focus. We walk on eggshells because of the dark places we've been with him. We're walking on eggshells, so he doesn't go back to that dark place. The focus is on something outside of your control. How he responds, how he reacts.

cortni-guest135_1_04-11-2025_131505: 14:57

Mm-hmm.

ben_1_04-11-2025_121503: 14:59

I would invite you, get really clear on who you want to be. I would go ahead and catastrophize for a minute and be like, man, let's say my son does get paid and he just goes out and gets another tattoo. Who do I want to be For me, I know that I would, I would struggle with that. I would want to get curious. I would ask something like, Hey son, help me understand what is it about the tattoos? Like what am I missing? I would even more than ask, I would observe like, what is he getting tattoos of? What might that mean to him? How does he live his life? I know who I want to be in parenting. I wanna be calm, I wanna be loving, I wanna be curious. I wanna be confident. I'm gonna catastrophize and see what could go wrong in the future, and I'm going to explore best case scenario. If I am who I want to be, does that fit that situation? If yes, I'm gonna practice the heck outta that way of being until I get to that point where the thing I don't want to have happen happens. Cortni, anything you want to add to that?

cortni-guest135_1_04-11-2025_131505: 16:16

No, you're doing great.

ben_1_04-11-2025_121503: 16:17

Awesome. Thank you. Cortni's just here for moral support. Like I worry that my podcast sucks and I need Cortni to be like, no, Ben, you're doing great. Keep it going.

cortni-guest135_1_04-11-2025_131505: 16:26

Yep.

ben_1_04-11-2025_121503: 16:28

Uh oh, yeah. Here's something else that I would throw in anytime as parents that we set boundaries with kids. Teenagers are really good at poking holes in our boundaries. We could blame our teens for poking holes in our boundaries. Like sounds to me like you have a boundary of if you want to drive the car, you need to have$250 available to pay the deductible if anything should happen. Or it sounds like maybe something did happen. And if you want to use a car when it comes out of the shop, you need to have the 250 bucks. The fact that your son spent that 250 bucks on a tattoo, like, I'm not blaming here. I just want to assign responsibility to the most productive place. We can blame your son and be like, you knew the rules, you shouldn't have taken the 250 bucks. But that's blaming and that's putting you in the victim mentality. If you can look at that and learn and say, dang. We thought we could trust you with the money, but turns out you're just like all the other teens in the world, and if you have an extra 250 bucks in your pocket, you're just gonna spend it. So now you change the boundary. If you want to use this 250 bucks, I'm gonna keep it in a secure account. Where you can't get to it, and if the car has to go to the shop, I can now pay the deductible with the money that you've set aside. Now, here's a cool thing. You're 18. If you move outta my house in six months and you haven't messed up the car and it hasn't gone to the shop, I'll give you your deductible back, but you're changing the boundary to fit your needs. No. If we're gonna do this, it's gotta be in my account. Cortni, anything that you want to chime in?

cortni-guest135_1_04-11-2025_131505: 18:29

Yeah. Um, so I, it sounded like he, I. was already wrecked and he needed to pay the$250, but he didn't. Um, I know she was focused on being the bad guy or creating issues, um, but I know we've talked in the past about sticking to your boundaries. It's okay to I don't know, enforce that law. And he might be upset for two weeks, but I bet his next paycheck he'll pay the 250 bucks, and if not, then he's still. Can have his girlfriend pick him up or whatever. Like there's natural consequences for the choices we make and don't take that responsibility of issues or creating issues. I mean, it's, it's his mess,

ben_1_04-11-2025_121503: 19:15

Yeah, let's walk this thin little line here, like the mom brought up. I still have a minor at home who's watching this and might be confused. I just told you don't focus on the minor, but for a second we're gonna walk this thin little line. Let's imagine that you enforce an unpopular boundary with your 18-year-old that is, dude, you don't have the 250 bucks in the account, so you can't use a car. That's an unpopular boundary with your oldest probably for sure, but we can be aware of the younger child's perspective. Who is seeing this unpopular boundary being upheld. The biggest things that I think teens struggle with, it gets them in trouble. Is the inability to hold an unpopular boundary.

cortni-guest135_1_04-11-2025_131505: 20:14

Mm-hmm.

ben_1_04-11-2025_121503: 20:14

lot of the teens that I coach that have gotten into trouble, they didn't want to do the thing that got them in trouble, but their friends were like, come on dude, don't be a pansy. Come on, come be cool with us. They weren't willing to set a boundary and uphold that boundary, even though it was unpopular. So. We can look at the bigger picture like you're worried about like, man, what's my younger son seeing? Is he gonna be confused? Instead of that, I'd shift that focus back to what I can control. No, I want to be the type of mom that I. Has boundaries and that is willing to uphold an unpopular boundary no matter how upset my son gets, and then trust that this is a good example for my younger son and for my older son. I talked about unpopular boundaries, like anytime I have to uphold an unpopular boundary with my kids. I've got a preteen daughter that she's gonna be dating soon, hopefully not too soon, like I'm thinking four years, but years go by faster and faster. The older I get, I just, I always imagine like her having some boyfriend who's like getting frisky or something, I want her to be able to hold a boundary and be like, bro. Get your hands off me and he can pout and he can cry and he can threaten to break up with her. And I want her to be strong enough to be like, this is my boundary. If you don't like it, you can leave.

cortni-guest135_1_04-11-2025_131505: 21:50

Mm-hmm.

ben_1_04-11-2025_121503: 21:51

And the only way our kids are gonna learn that is by seeing us do that

cortni-guest135_1_04-11-2025_131505: 21:55

Mm-hmm.

ben_1_04-11-2025_121503: 21:56

they're not gonna see it in the school setting. They're not gonna see it in social media. So let's. Be willing to embrace these tough parenting moments and use them as a gift.

cortni-guest135_1_04-11-2025_131505: 22:08

Yeah, and don't talk to'em about it. Just do it. I repeat myself all the time when I say Kids do what we do, not what we say. It doesn't matter what we say. If we're not that example, our kids won't do that. They just won't.

ben_1_04-11-2025_121503: 22:23

Yeah. I think our culture today, I. We're all a lot of big talkers. We gotta start walking the walk. We are not living in integrity with who we claim to be or who we want to be. And we might not all be able to see that on a conscious level, but I believe we are all picking up on that subconsciously and. The most impactful thing you can do for your teenager is be the type of adult that you wish your teenager would become. I just, you figure that part out within you, and part of that is like, oh gosh, how do I adult with someone that I don't agree with, or someone that we have different values. That's powerful. Um, if you can find that within yourself, I promise you that will greatly improve your relationship with your teenager Now. The, you got cut off. The last thing I see here is that you kinda had a final thought. I wish I knew what that was. Go to ben pugh coaching.com/mini book a free consultation with me. Let's talk about this. Um, I have open one-on-one slots available and. I'm going to be bringing back my membership and my course. I got a little busy. I didn't prioritize that, and I'm changing course. but we're gonna bring it back. So stick around. Go.

cortni-guest135_1_04-11-2025_131505: 24:10

Nothing. You just, you just cracked me up.

ben_1_04-11-2025_121503: 24:15

Cortni is a huge distraction on this podcast. She laughs at me all the time. Like, can we say bully? Just joking.

cortni-guest135_1_04-11-2025_131505: 24:25

Right. I'm here for Comedy Hour.

ben_1_04-11-2025_121503: 24:29

Um,

cortni-guest135_1_04-11-2025_131505: 24:29

I listen to your podcast. Before we were doing this, when I would listen on my own, I would laugh out loud in the car, like something. I'm like, I can't believe he just said that. Like, no, it's great. I love it.

ben_1_04-11-2025_121503: 24:39

yeah.

cortni-guest135_1_04-11-2025_131505: 24:40

to be serious all the time.

ben_1_04-11-2025_121503: 24:42

Exactly. And my preteen, she would say that I am. It's not cringey anymore. It's cringe because

cortni-guest135_1_04-11-2025_131505: 24:50

it's just cringe, isn't it?

ben_1_04-11-2025_121503: 24:51

yeah, it used to be cringey. But anyways, I just learned a long time ago. I don't wanna try and be anyone else. I'm just gonna be me. And one of the biggest compliments that I get from the podcast, like the one that came out last week. I know it hit a nerve because I have people Facebook messaging me saying, Hey, thanks for the podcast. Thanks for being willing to talk about this and have some questions. The biggest compliment that I ever get from people, they're like, I love just who you are, your quirkiness. Like I don't really edit the podcast. And so the nice thing is if you like me. You're probably gonna like working with me if I drive you nuts. Don't ever sign up to work with me because you'll just get way more of this. So.

cortni-guest135_1_04-11-2025_131505: 25:48

yes, but, and you can't worry about everybody liking you. There's going to be people that don't like you all the time. Even you know, your daughter doesn't like you all the time. Your sons don't like, like our loved ones don't like us all the time, but they love us, so you can't worry about. Everyone

ben_1_04-11-2025_121503: 26:07

Yeah,

cortni-guest135_1_04-11-2025_131505: 26:07

Yeah.

ben_1_04-11-2025_121503: 26:08

sometimes I think, man, I should probably annoy a few more people so that I. The other side of the, they're like, man, I love Ben. He's so funny. He's so, I don't know. But for now, this is just who I am. This is who I'll keep being. And if you have any questions, please feel free. Hit the Send Ben a text link on your podcast wherever you're listening to podcasts. I think you have the. The opportunity to send fan mail, and I love these questions as often as possible. As often as we get these questions, we will do our best to give you support so that you're not alone. And that's one of the biggest gifts that we can offer you is so that you know you're not alone. Parents all over the world. I have clients in Canada. I'm just finished up with someone in Switzerland. I've had clients in Africa and Australia. Oh, I had some in South America. I've had some in Europe before and we're missing Asia. But anyways, parents all over the world apparently, except for Asia, are dealing with similar things. So just keep up the good work. Keep being the parent of your dreams. Cortni, should we let these people go so they can go back to their daily lives?

cortni-guest135_1_04-11-2025_131505: 27:32

Yes, let's do,

ben_1_04-11-2025_121503: 27:35

All right.

cortni-guest135_1_04-11-2025_131505: 27:36

ask Ben a question.

ben_1_04-11-2025_121503: 27:39

Yeah, go ask me a question I need to put Ask Ben and Cortni, but I'd probably spell it wrong and it'd be like Ask Ben and Connie and then,

cortni-guest135_1_04-11-2025_131505: 27:48

Right. Just keep it as Ben. Just keep it as Ben.

ben_1_04-11-2025_121503: 27:51

okay. All right guys. We'll see you next week.