How to Break Free from the Victim Mindset

Do you ever feel stuck, like life is just happening to you? In this episode, we talk about the victim mindset—what it is, how to spot it, and how to break free from it.

You’ll learn simple ways to take control of your thoughts, shift your mindset, and be the kind of parent your teen needs. We share real stories, helpful tips, and easy tools you can start using today.

If you’re tired of blaming, complaining, or feeling stuck, this episode will help you feel more powerful and more in control.

Want a Simple Step by Step Parenting Debrief Guide?

Go download the FREE Parenting Debrief Guide.

It’s simple and quick. It will help you uplevel your parenting. And, it’s completely FREE!

1. Go to benpughcoaching.com/debrief
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3. Start with your own internal debrief.

Transcript

Ben: 0:00

I'm Ben Pugh and you're listening to IMPACT! Parenting with Perspective. This podcast is all about helping parents manage the mental and emotional drama that comes with parenting teens so they can focus on what's most important. Building rock solid relationships and having a powerful impact on their teen's life. Join me each week as I dive into real tools to help you and your teen turn struggles into strengths. everyone. Welcome back to the podcast. Thank you for being here, if your life is crazy, join the club like it's graduation week. Cortni threw her trampoline into a pond in their Kind of. They had like tornado warnings, but. In all the teens and all the parents that I've been talking to last, the last month or so, everyone seems to think life is crazy right now, and I just wanted to let you know that if you're here, join us. There's like a reprieve from the storm while you listen to this podcast, so just sit back, relax, the soothing sounds of me and Cortni's voices. Cortni, anything you wanna add to that little

Cortni: 1:21

No, I think that was amazing.

Ben: 1:24

Cortni, I'm gonna let you introduce our topic for today'cause this is your idea you'll probably do it better than me without throwing your friend under the bus.

Cortni: 1:34

Yeah, I probably won't do it better than you, but, I just thought it would be good to talk about the victim mentality. You know, I, we touched on the book Leadership and Self Deception and how it wasn't the teen. It was, you know, they pulled the parents in during that retreat and said, listen, it's you too. And so I think a lot of our problems with our teens start with us and how we interact and the example that we set and I. I have a friend that I'm not gonna deny that she's going through a tough time, but I feel like she's just stuck in the victim mentality and I so badly wanna help pull her out and be like, listen, try to focus on this and don't dwell on next week until you like, I can just see it spiraling downward and downward.

Ben: 2:22

Yeah. One of the things, so I've taught victim and hero mentality, I dunno, for probably two or three years. One of the common things that I hear when it comes to the victim mentality, once you learn that it. Opens up your awareness you catch yourself being in the victim mentality, which is super annoying. Every time you, you're like criticizing someone or complaining and you're like, oh crap, I'm in the victim mentality. Super awesome when that happens to you, but also you have this awareness. You quickly start to identify when other people are in the victim mentality. And sometimes it's really hard because you want to teach'em and you wanna be like, oh, hey, hey. Every time you blame, complain, make ex. Like you could tell'em all the warning signs, but people probably. Don't want to hear that. And so this is one of the things, so I coach a lot of high-end teen athletes, like knuckleheads usually don't want to be coached. So when they're willing, sure I'll coach'em. But high-end teen athletes, and this is actually one of the things that they struggle with when they learn about the victim mentality. They wanna be a leader and they wanna pull their teammates out of the victim mentality. Sometimes that doesn't work and they just piss off their teammates. No one likes'em. And so today we're gonna talk about how to handle it someone that you care about is in the victim mentality and what you can do about that. So, let me ask you this. So you had mentioned before we hit record that texts you. Why do you think she's texting you about her problems?

Cortni: 4:18

We do have some things that are similar to our situation, but also maybe she feels comfortable talking to me. I mean, I don't try to solve her problems. I might offer a suggestion or just say I understand, but I mean, I'm not sure. I don't know if she definitely opens up. Through text

Ben: 4:38

Yeah.

Cortni: 4:39

with a lot of issues.

Ben: 4:44

One of the things that I have noticed, it's real common to complain and to like, it almost seems like sometimes there's a competition to like one up. The other person, like I could tell you. My week and how stressful it's been. And then Cortni, you could be like, oh yeah, well did your trampoline like get blown into the pond? And have you ever seen people kind of compare and try and one up the other person in like

Cortni: 5:17

Absolutely. Yep.

Ben: 5:21

Why do people do that?

Cortni: 5:24

I think it's maybe trying to be relatable, like trying to relate to the situation.

Ben: 5:29

Yeah.

Cortni: 5:30

Sometimes it might be to one up, but other times I think it's an effort to relate and it doesn't land very well.

Ben: 5:36

Yeah, and I would say maybe to relate, but sometimes just to fit in like, well, that's what everyone's talking about. You just want to kind of come in and one up people and kinda make it about you. One of the things that I've noticed, so like I said, I coach a lot of high-end teen athletes. I'm coaching a basketball player right now, and of the things that we've talked about is how to improve different aspects. His game. We've talked about offense, we've talked about defense. We've talked about improving his game when his shots won't fall and he's just ice cold. The past couple weeks we've been talking about improving his game while he sits on the bench and he's a really good player. Like he's one of the starters. He is. He is gonna go far. Bench time isn't something that most players want to talk about, but what we were quickly able to identify is that often when he's on the bench, he's in the victim mentality. He's blaming the refs and they're bad calls. He is blaming the coaches, he's blaming himself, and he talks about how that. only impacts his own game, but it impacts his whole teen. And one of the things that I've noticed with him specifically when he is in the victim mentality, the other players on the team follow his lead and he is one of the younger ones on the team. And now the coach is having to deal with that. And I think in your case, like with your friend, I. It's important to remember, you have an understanding that not everybody has, like, not everyone has been taught about the victim and the hero mindset though, it's super simple. Like once you learn it, you're like, oh yeah, that makes sense. Most people don't have that awareness with you and with your awareness. The biggest and sometimes hardest thing to do to just lead by example.

Cortni: 7:52

Mm-hmm.

Ben: 7:52

I'm curious, how could you lead by example when it comes to texts that you're getting that are coming from a place of victim mentality?

Cortni: 8:03

I mean, I don't really. I don't respond in length and in detail to her complaints. I might just make a suggestion or point out the positive or only respond to anything that I can make positive. And I certainly don't vent about any of my struggles, because I don't wanna exacerbate the situation and just have it be like a spiral of going round and round of poor me, poor me. I'm, I'm not sure, just. Being an example of not letting all of these outside things that I can't control affect me because like I said, we do have a lot of similarities, with some of our situations, but I'm choosing to not attach myself to that. I can't, I don't have the energy to expend to attach myself to that.

Ben: 8:52

Yeah, our last football coach at the high school, so we just hired a new football coach. This is how you know you're old when you hire a new coach. You coached that coach back when he was a freshman and a sophomore in high school, but not that coach, the coach before him that me and him, we didn't always see eye to eye, but one of the most powerful lessons that I ever saw him teach our team, I. There's a really bad call and I even, so when you're the visiting team, you have the chain gang on your side. It sucks'cause in the way and you have to move outta their way. And anyways, even the chain gang was like, what? Like that is the worst call we've ever seen. And coaches are yelling. Players are complaining and the coach turns around and yells, shut the F up. Like, I don't swear, I don't appreciate swearing, but whatever. he's like, guys, we can't control the refs. we can do is control ourselves. The call is what it is. We got bad calls. That helped us. Get in the game, focus on what you can control.

Cortni: 10:08

Mm-hmm.

Ben: 10:09

I thought, one, he's in a different position than you, so we should acknowledge that. Like that's his role to call us out on our crap and get us out of the victim mentality. the most powerful thing, like obviously he was frustrated, like he turned around and cussed us out. The ref, I was surprised, didn't flag him for dropping the F-bomb, probably because the coach was defending the ref. But example of, I'm not gonna focus on this. I don't want you guys focusing on this. We've benefited from this as part of the game. Let's get back at it. Let's just do what we can control.

Cortni: 10:49

Mm-hmm.

Ben: 10:50

I feel like in my experience. Like I try really hard to stay out of the victim mindset, which I don't think it's possible to 100% be out of the victim mentality, but when you try really hard, other people are going to notice and they're like, Hey, I see that you are Like, how do you do that? They're not necessarily gonna ask you how to do that. Sometimes they might just come to you with all their problems. Via text and be like, oh, I can't believe this and this, I like to keep in mind they might be attracted to me because I am a higher law, like I'm living out of the hero mentality and they're attracted to me because they need that in their life. But I can't help them with that other than just being an example until they ask me to help. Does that make sense?

Cortni: 11:46

Yes it does. Yeah.

Ben: 11:49

So here's the thing that I'm curious about. What percentage of people would you say are stuck in negativity right now?

Cortni: 11:58

Oh, I don't know. Do you have statistics on that? Mm-hmm.

Ben: 12:22

I thought is way too big of a range, like 12,000 to 60,000. I guarantee are down around the 12 and it's the women up at 60,000, but.

Cortni: 12:32

Yeah.

Ben: 12:34

Anyways, the thing that I thought was interesting, 85% of your thoughts are negative. It's just predisposition as human beings and in the country right now. Like if it is not Donald Trump, it's somebody or something else. I love football, and right now you're kind of in the dead period in sports. Like there isn't really any football to talk about. I guess there's NBA if you care about that stuff, but I, there just isn't a lot, so they have to make up things, so they're like, oh no, this player is leaving this team, and Oh no, this coach might be leaving and, oh no, I feel like they since or. Sensationalized. Yeah, that's the word I'm

Cortni: 13:27

Yeah.

Ben: 13:27

say.

Cortni: 13:28

I got you.

Ben: 13:29

To try and get your attention.

Cortni: 13:31

Mm-hmm.

Ben: 13:32

I feel like they play on our natural tendency as human beings to focus on the negative, but they also, used a big word exacerbate. I can't remember. But I think that means like they make that even worse by feeding us negative crap. And I would say that. 85 to 90% of people chronically stuck in the victim mentality. What would you think about that?

Cortni: 14:06

Yeah, I was gonna guess about 70%, but I think yeah, it is. It is a lot. I mean, even a couple days ago, I like had a moment where I was in the victim mentality, just kind of pouting, like it affected my mood and so I just left the situation I was in and I came home and reset and. I was fine. So, I mean, it's normal to flow in and out, but you just have to be aware of when you're feeling sorry for yourself. And focus again on what you can't control.

Ben: 14:35

Yeah.

Cortni: 14:36

'cause it really is exhausting to just be miserable all the time. Like, I think it's exhausting.

Ben: 14:41

Yeah. So. am doing solar sales on the side.

Cortni: 14:48

Mm-hmm.

Ben: 14:49

it's fun. these people are like, Hey, you're a good salesman. Come work for us. And it's been fun to learn something and kind of take my sales skills to a higher level anyways, in Utah, where I don't know, a lot of people love Trump, but I'm also in solar sales where Trump is. Negatively impacting the future of solar. And it is really interesting to hear the way people talk about it. And I was on a call I'm new to this, and they're like, Hey Ben, hop on this call. It'll be, you'll help you understand more. Anyways, these guys are tax professionals that only do the. Tax incentive for solar type stuff. And the guy, like they're super wealthy, super successful and he's like, guys, this bill isn't good. It's not bad. It just is what it is. you think about it, how you feel about it is gonna make it good or bad for you. And is like. The bill doesn't matter what it is, we just need to understand it so we know how to react to it use it to our advantage so that we can still make a living. So we can still make money. And it was interesting'cause I know a bunch of the other people and solar like, oh no, the sky's falling. This is gonna be the end of solar cells. To have these other guys that are like, no, it's not good. It's not bad. It's just our job to. Understand it and define how it's going to work for us in our lives. And it was just really refreshing to hear someone else teaching the same concept. Like he didn't use the same words, but basically he's like, guys, get outta your victim mentality. He's like, stop complaining about it. That's one of the things that he said, like, isn't a strategy, that's not gonna help anybody. Stop complaining about it, go learn about it and start exploring how can I use this to benefit me and my customers? I'm like, dang, that's so awesome. like I was saying, like I think most people are hardwired to be negative. So if you guys are like Cortni and you have friends that are just venting, like you wouldn't believe how stupid my teenager is, blah, blah, blah. Oh my goodness. I was doing this to my wife the other day. My son was changing his oil. I have oil spilled all over my driveway, all over my front porch, like, and Deb is like, how long are you going to complain about our son? And I'm like,

Cortni: 17:48

I love her.

Ben: 17:50

no, I usually do too. But at that moment, no, still loved her, but she. What good does it do for me to complain? I just talked to him. I'm like, dude, next time, here's what I want you to do. Like I can't control the past. I can't go back in time and undo that I can control the present. I'm gonna be calm, I'm gonna talk to him. We're gonna make a plan for the future, and. As annoyed as I was at the moment, like it's really hard guys, when you teach a bunch of stuff and you have a wife who edits your podcast, so she hears everything that you teach and then she uses that against you. So

Cortni: 18:32

He Smart.

Ben: 18:33

was, what's that?

Cortni: 18:35

Smart.

Ben: 18:35

I know, but it was super helpful. I was able to realize I am totally in the victim mentality

Cortni: 18:43

Mm-hmm.

Ben: 18:43

do I get out? like Cortni, you are probably similar to me. You have an awareness, but you get caught in the victim mentality.

Cortni: 18:54

Mm-hmm.

Ben: 18:55

being in the victim mentality is just another reminder. Oh yeah. I used to not be aware of that. Thank goodness I am. How do I

Cortni: 19:03

Yeah.

Ben: 19:03

myself out?

Cortni: 19:05

Yeah, I, I noticed too, so like with some circumstances in my life, like I have people check in, like, how are things like, how are you doing? Like, what's going on? I'm like, I'm fine. Like it is what it is. I can't, and I find myself not really having a whole lot to say about it because I just can't invest the energy in that. I don't want to go down that rabbit hole of woe is me. Like

Ben: 19:26

Yeah.

Cortni: 19:26

can't, so, yeah. Sure.

Ben: 19:29

ask me how things are doing, I really like to. Have an awareness of the things that I'm grateful for

Cortni: 19:37

Mm-hmm.

Ben: 19:37

I can share that. Like lately, people are like, Hey, how's it going? You have a senior that's graduating first. I do my little funny thing'cause I enjoy to be funny, but I'm like, I can't believe I'm old enough to have an 18-year-old and that people are, oh yeah, me too. But I'm so grateful that he. Is at this point in his life, which is super crazy because I remember graduating and I specifically remember my dad saying, man, it feels like just yesterday that I was graduating high school. And I'm like, whatever old man. I was like, eons ago. Now that my oldest is graduating, I'm like, oh my goodness. It feels like just yesterday that I graduated, my dad was telling the truth.

Cortni: 20:20

Yeah. One thing that I do wanna touch on for the victim mentality, like if we as parents are constantly stuck in the victim mentality, it affects our kids. We like everything is everybody else's fault, right? If we're the victim, it's not our own. So then our interactions with our kids are as though things are their fault, or we're gonna look at them through a lens of, do you know what I'm trying to say? Can you like, help me pick up what I'm trying to put down?

Ben: 20:49

Yeah, so you're basically saying if you're in the victim mentality, the chances that your children will be in the victim mentality go up drastically. And your filter through which you the world will impact how your children view the world.

Cortni: 21:05

And your interactions with your teen,

Ben: 21:07

Oh, yeah.

Cortni: 21:07

right? That's what I'm, yeah.

Ben: 21:10

let's do a case study just real quick. This will be.

Cortni: 21:14

Okay.

Ben: 21:14

Limited data'cause it's just me and Cortni. Cortni, when you are in the victim mentality, how do you treat your children? Like is there a predominant energy or

Cortni: 21:29

I am probably much shorter with them. My fuse is much shorter. I get upset with them. Yeah. Yeah.

Ben: 21:40

I was gonna say, when I'm in the victim mentality, I'm grumpier,

Cortni: 21:44

Yep.

Ben: 21:44

less patient, so

Cortni: 21:46

Yep.

Ben: 21:46

using different words for everything you were just saying.

Cortni: 21:49

Yep.

Ben: 21:49

Yeah. So as a parent, important to realize. The consequence, if you are under the victim mentality, it's gonna impact your children and it's definitely going to change how you treat your children.

Cortni: 22:05

Mm-hmm.

Ben: 22:06

it's important to know if your teen is short fused or short tempered or grumpy and frustrated, you can just take that data and understand, oh, my teen is probably in the victim mentality right now. And isn't a problem that needs to be solved or fixed. It's just something that if you understand that as a parent, you can now parent with a little more compassion and understanding like, oh, of course they're treating me this way. They're in the victim mentality, they're grumpy. It sucks. I understand.

Cortni: 22:42

Mm-hmm.

Ben: 22:43

yeah,

Cortni: 22:43

And everything's our fault anyway. I mean, we're the parents and you know,

Ben: 22:47

that is

Cortni: 22:48

we make teens lives miserable.

Ben: 22:51

Can I tell you I have been struggling with one of the things that I have coached tons of mothers on worrying that I haven't been good enough as a dad. Like

Cortni: 23:03

Hmm.

Ben: 23:04

have I taught my son well enough? didn't teach my son how to change oil. I refuse people. I can pay to do that. so when he's like that, I'm gonna change my own oil, I'm like. Why? And Deb was like, Ben, let him figure it out. Let him try

Cortni: 23:21

Yeah. Yeah.

Ben: 23:22

Good job. Go at it. And then he sucked at it. Like I had to help him like, fix a part, there's a mess. And then as I'm going to sleep, I'm like, I am a complete failure as a father,

Cortni: 23:38

Why?

Ben: 23:40

Because I didn't teach my son how to change oil.

Cortni: 23:44

Did he ask you to teach him?

Ben: 23:46

No. And if he would've, I'd have lined him up with one of my friends and been

Cortni: 23:50

Exact, yeah,

Ben: 23:51

him.

Cortni: 23:52

but you know what I think is awesome is that he was willing to try and figure it out himself because.

Ben: 23:56

Yeah.

Cortni: 23:57

You need that skill in life, like you're not always gonna have your parents. I'm happy that he took that initiative and was willing to give it a shot. And I bet you he learned a lot of lessons during that first time without your help initially. I mean, that's how we learned best. Do you think he would've listened to you, had you showed him step by step?

Ben: 24:16

That's funny because he kept asking me and my wife questions and we would tell him and he'd like our opinion and he'd be like, no, you guys don't know anything anyways. And he'd just go do it his own way.

Cortni: 24:28

See. See. So you're not a bad father. You did the right thing. You let him learn something on his own. That's how it, that's how it should be sometimes. A lot of the time.

Ben: 24:36

his boss and one of my best friends. My son had texted him asking him questions, and he stopped by, me a funny meme of Brandon trying to clean up the oil spill. he said, Hey, I gotta hand it to him. That's cool. He gave it a shot.

Cortni: 24:55

Yeah.

Ben: 24:58

the thing I want you guys to understand, like if you're listening to this and you have a teenager, probably in the victim mentality at some point in time. It's all based on how you think. And like Deb was like, no, he's learning. Like stop complaining about him. That's a reminder to me. Get outta the victim mentality when my friend is like, Hey, that's cool that he even gave it a shot.

Cortni: 25:26

Mm-hmm.

Ben: 25:27

These are just different perspectives someone else can think that. I too can think that, and it took a little bit of time. I don't even know why I cared about, like my driveway being stained. You know those fireworks that like create like the black snake and you light them and they come outta the ground. Those stain your concrete for like all eternity.

Cortni: 25:53

Mm-hmm.

Ben: 25:54

And my friend is like, are you sure you wanna do this on your driveway? Like it'll stay. And I'm like, no. I want to have memories of the good times. Like let's do it. I don't know why I even care about the oil stains. Like I'm not that type of person. It doesn't matter to me like that's a good story. But in the moment I think I was getting caught up in like being in the victim mentality. Like I should not have a stained driveway just'cause I have an 18-year-old, but.

Cortni: 26:23

Yeah. Well, good. You were a good father for letting him do it on his own.

Ben: 26:29

Well, thank you.

Cortni: 26:30

Yeah.

Ben: 26:31

And hopefully the lesson that he learned was that he'll just pay someone to do it. Just

Cortni: 26:35

No. He'll do it better next time. And how about in the street? Right? You can do it on curb, he can drive the car up on those little plastic ramps and just do it in the the street.

Ben: 26:46

And we have dirt. He could have, yeah, a plan for next time.

Cortni: 26:51

Okay.

Ben: 26:52

It'll be good, but. Closing thoughts. Oh my goodness, I have to go like four minutes guys. When you learn about the hero and the victim mentality, I promise you, you will start to see other people in the victim mentality. Just remind yourself that's something outside of your control. Anytime you catch someone else in the victim mentality, turn that inward and ask yourself, Hey. When have I been caught? How do I keep myself the victim mentality use it as an opportunity for growth and self-leadership, self intentionality. So anything you wanna leave us with, Cortni? I.

Cortni: 27:36

No, just, I mean, to figure out if you're in the victim mentality, like figure out what you're feeling, sorry for yourself about, and. Realize, is it in your control or without of or out of your control? If it's within your control, what can you do to fix it? Like be proactive to pull yourself out. If it's outside of your control, move on.

Ben: 27:58

Yeah. Yeah. And if you're wondering, am I in the victim mentality, if you're ever blaming, complaining, criticizing, making excuses, comparing, I feel like there's more, but I. Those are a pretty good indicator, especially blame, complain and make excuses. Those for me, when I catch myself doing that, it's a good reminder. Oh crap. I'm in the victim mentality right now, Okay, corny. Thank you for being here.

Cortni: 28:33

Yeah, thank you.

Ben: 28:35

If I live closer to you, I would totally be over at your house in five minutes to help you guys get your trampoline outta that pond.

Cortni: 28:45

I have no doubt and I'm sure you'd be the one in the pond, like not afraid to get a little wet to help get it out, which I think I'm gonna have to go do that here in a minute.

Ben: 28:55

Now, sometimes

Cortni: 28:56

boot.

Ben: 28:57

you have to be the bigger man,

Cortni: 28:59

Or woman?

Ben: 29:00

even if you're a woman. No.

Cortni: 29:02

Yep. I don't mind.

Ben: 29:04

Well have fun. Someone will record this, send me these and we can put the picture like the video up on the website. I'm sure listening to the podcast would love to see you, deep sea diving to get your trampoline outta the pond.

Cortni: 29:23

Yeah. Absolutely. Well William's home, so maybe I can ask him.

Ben: 29:26

Okay. Check out Ben Pugh coaching.com to find those pictures. I guarantee you she's not gonna send me those. Alright guys, well come back next week as always, please leave us fan mail. Please leave us a review on the podcast and we'll see you soon.