Stop Lying to Yourself With Your "Good Reasons"

Do you ever say things like, “I don’t have time,” or “I’m too tired”? These sound like good reasons… but they might just be excuses.

In this episode, I talk about how we lie to ourselves with “good reasons” and how that keeps us stuck. I share a real story about a teen who came home early from a mission and felt like he had to explain why. You’ll learn how to stop making excuses, take control, and show your teen how to do the same.

We’ll also talk about how to:

• Spot your own “good reasons”
• Take full ownership of your choices
• Help your teen do the same

No more blaming. No more hiding. Just real, honest change.

Want a Simple Step by Step Parenting Debrief Guide?

Go download the FREE Parenting Debrief Guide.

It’s simple and quick. It will help you uplevel your parenting. And, it’s completely FREE!

1. Go to benpughcoaching.com/debrief
2. Download the debrief
3. Start with your own internal debrief.

Transcript

Ben: 0:00

I'm Ben Pugh and you're listening to IMPACT! Parenting with Perspective. This podcast is all about helping parents manage the mental and emotional drama that comes with parenting teens so they can focus on what's most important. Building rock solid relationships and having a powerful impact on their teen's life. Join me each week as I dive into real tools to help you and your teen turn struggles into strengths.

ben_1_05-28-2025_075908: 0:31

Hello. Welcome back to the podcast. Today it's just gonna be me. Cortni is busy. I'm busy. Summer can get so crazy, but it's awesome. I love summer. I love just the freedom that comes to summer. I love extra time with my. Teens with my family, and hopefully if you are in summer, hopefully you're enjoying it. I know I have some clients in Washington. They still have like two or three more weeks of school. It's crazy. So I don't know if it's summertime at your house or if your definition of summertime is like mine where it's summertime if the kids are out for the summer anyways. Whether it's summertime or not, welcome back to the podcast. Thank you for listening. I want to give a shout out to, my personal coach. Her name is Marika. I feel like the last few weeks she has been on fire. I'm hoping to have her on my podcast in the next. Week or so. Probably for you, the listener, it'll probably be two weeks because it'll take us some time to record it and then get it on here. So anyways, as always, I'd like to remind you. If you would like to reach out to me, please feel free. You can click the little button that says Send Ben a text. If you have any questions, please reach out. I'm happy to help. And remember, I can't see who you are or how to contact you, so if you want me to. Reach out and be in touch and maybe give you a free coaching call. Also, be sure to email ben@benpughcoaching.com. Okay. Today we are going to be talking about excuses, and I'll be honest with you, this is something that I'm working on in my life. I'm working on with my own teenagers, and I feel like I've done some work around this, so I have. Greater awareness around this in my own life, but I also see it going on in other people's lives. And if you've been following me for very long at all, you know that one of the things that I talk about the MO the most is if you want to fix or change something in someone else. Be the change you want to see, create that change in yourself. So if you are seeing your teenagers make a lot of excuses or justify their behavior or any of that, as tempting as it is to want to fix that in your teenager, and believe me, I know I have teenagers, I wanna fix this in them all the time. Resist that urge and be the change that you want to see in your teen. And now the thing that we're talking about, these are like the convenient excuses. The excuses that like get you out of doing something that you didn't want to do. I read a book recently. It is called, actually I haven't read it recently. As I was writing this, I had to Google a bunch because I couldn't remember all the details and I wanted to talk about it, but the book is called the. Achievement Habit by Bernard Roth. And my wife and I listened to this book a couple years ago now, and there's a part in this book where he says, oh, that's a good reason. And he is talking about people's excuses and he and his class that he taught just got in the habit. Anytime someone would give an excuse, they'd be like, Ooh, that's a good reason to help you realize, oh. It's an excuse. Sure. It's a good reason I'm using it to justify my behavior, but at the end of the day, it's just an excuse. So in this episode. We're going to work to better understand how good reasons or these excuses might be holding you back. And one of the things that I'm going to touch on is anxiety and how very often anxiety is this good reason that people in our modern society use like this. Shield to protect them from anything hard, anything unwanted, anything that they don't want to do or experience. And that's really disempowering that will position you. If you are doing that as the victim, if your teen is doing it, that'll position themselves as a victim. And by the end of this episode, I'm hoping you'll be able to shift into empowerment for yourself and as a role model for your teen. So let's dive into this, in the book, the Achievement Habit. Basically, Roth has this concept that everyone thinks that their reason is good, but usually it's just. An excuse that's all dressed up to sound good or look good to protect you from discomfort or to protect you from judgment. We're gonna talk about that one specifically. We'll talk about a missionary who came home from his mission early and he felt like he had to make excuses and have a good reason. To avoid judgment from other people in his church. And the other thing, it'll often protect us from fear. Now there's, we can all see the examples with teens, oh, I didn't study because you know what? I really needed my rest last night. So instead of studying, I thought, you know, it'd be better if I get an extra hour of sleep. That's a good reason, but. Ultimately it's just an excuse. Sometimes I'll hear a parent say, oh man, I would have a good relationship with my teen, but my teen is always yelling at me. My teen. That's a good reason, and it might feel true, but it's still an excuse that's covering up your responsibility in whatever the circumstance is. So. In the book, rough says, reasons are often just excuses in disguise and it really. It's hard to get away from this. In our modern culture, it is expected that you will justify your beliefs, your feelings, your behaviors with an excuse. And I'm here to tell you, you do not need to excuse your behavior. You get to make your choices. You get to. Be you. You don't have to walk around justifying yourself to those around you. So let's talk about how this might come up in parenting. It might sound like, man, I can't connect with my teen because they're always on their phone. Or, yeah, I lose my temper, but it's because my teen won't listen to me. Or I'm stuck in my parenting because my teen is struggling. I. Or Here's what I hear all the time. I don't have time to work on myself. The thing I want you to realize, there will always be an excuse when it comes to working on yourself and upleveling your life. There's never gonna be a convenient time. That's why it's so important to catch yourself, making the excuses and coming up with good reasons to justify getting out of. Now, let's see what this might look like for your teen or your young adult, this missionary that we're gonna talk about. He came home early from his mission. He had some anxiety, some depression, some health problems. And at one point he is like, I, I don't know what to tell people. Like I don't, I'm not really anxious right now. I'm super glad that I'm home. I don't want to go back. I'm like, tell them that you don't need to excuse. I. Your decision to come home. You don't need to be like, oh yeah, I would be out there. But the anxiety, all that does is disempower you. Oftentimes with teens, they will come up with good reasons to justify their behavior, to help them feel better about not doing something that is hard. Now, these good reasons they might be true for you, that's okay. They are definitely true for your teen. They think that's real. But when you start to explore and ask yourself, how is this nothing more than a good reason? How is this holding me back? You can start to see how your good reasons and your excuses are actually an easy way out, and they're taking away your power. So let's talk about. Good reasons. Let's talk about these excuses and your responsibility and how emotions factor into this. Now, I wanna share the story of this young man who returned home early from his mission. By the way, I have coached lots of young men who have come home early, and there's always a similar theme. They're usually really worried about what other people from their church are going to think about them, and they feel like they have to justify coming home. Now, this young man, so similar to the others that I've worked with, he's dealing with anxiety, some depression. These are starting to create physical health symptoms and. He decided, you know what, I'm gonna come home early. And he felt like he had to justify it coming home early. Like, oh man, I have all these health issues. And when we explored it, like, yeah, he had legitimate health issues. Yeah, he was dealing with anxiety and depression and, and he's like, well, I just feel bad because I don't really want to go back on my mission. And there was a point where I was like. Why can't you just tell people that? It's like, well, they'll be upset, they'll wanna know why. They'll wanna know, like they will be less judgmental if I have a good reason, and I want you to see that pressure to just come up with an excuse to justify your behavior. The truth is, he wanted to be a missionary. He got out. On the mission. He was working hard and pretty soon found out, I don't want to do this. He was out several months and he's like, I hate doing this. I don't want to do this. This isn't for me. Now the thing I wanted this young man to understand, you don't have to justify that to anyone. You can just tell people, man, I tried the mission. I didn't like it at all. It's not for me. That's okay. You don't have to have, oh, well I got injured, or, oh, the health or, oh, the anxiety, like at the end of the day, you can totally just tell people it's none of your business. Now, this young man, when he was like, wait, so I can just tell people I don't want to be a missionary and I just chose to come home? I'm like, yeah, you can totally do that. We explored if you blame anxiety or depression or your health problems, does that put you in the hero mindset or the victim mindset? And he's pretty sharp. He's like, oh yeah, that totally puts me in the victim mentality because I'm blaming something outside of my control. So I asked him, if you just tell people, man, I chose to come home because this is what's right for me. Does that put you in the hero mentality or the victim mentality? He's like the hero mentality.'cause I'm taking responsibility now. The problem is this young man. Came home from his mission, and then he's putting himself even further into the victim mentality and he is like, I came home, I have felt no anxiety, no depression. The only time I feel a little anxious is when I'm having to make an excuse like, oh, well I came home because of this, and the next week when we were together, he's like, man, this was. Like my third week back to my ward. And when people have been asking me, he's like, I just tell people, yeah, it wasn't right for me. I didn't want to be out. He's like, that feels so much better. It's because he's taking his power back now. Anytime I work with a client like this, I talk about the self-coaching model. It's important to understand like, I don't wanna minimize this young man's feelings of anxiety, depression, any of that. Those were real. The thing I wanted to point out is that how you think based on the model. Determines how you feel, and I know there's people who will argue with that all day long. I get that. There's some feelings that you can't even connect to a conscious thought. That's okay. We gotta start doing the work to uncover the unconscious thoughts that are leading to this. One of the examples that I use with this young man is that your anxiety is like a pebble in your shoe. It's super uncomfortable. But it's not a part of you. It's something that if you take the time, you can remove it. Or maybe you're out hiking and you're like, you know what? I can't keep all these pebbles from getting into my shoe, but every time one does get in my shoe, I can stop and I can manage it. It's the same with our anxiety. This young man went from feeling like a victim, like the world was happening to him. To feeling like the hero where he was empowered because he got rid of his good reasons. He didn't need a good reason to justify his choice. And when he realized that, that positioned him as the hero. Now in life, we have lots of good reasons and I'm gonna talk about something that will probably offend some people in our modern culture. We use anxiety and stress as our good reason to not do things. Oh, you know what I, I can't do that. My anxiety, no. Stop letting anxiety be your good reason to get out of doing things that you don't want to do. It's making excuses and there are tools to help you manage your anxiety and. Stop creating your anxiety. So I want to. Invite you to explore. How does this apply to me? I want to invite you really increase your awareness. Once you have awareness over the excuses or the good reasons or any of that, you now have the power to choose. Am I going to continue coming up with good reasons? Am I going to continue using anxiety as my excuse? I want you to explore what are some of the good reasons that you use to justify your parenting habits? You'll be able to see it in your teens. You'll be able to see common good reasons. Like my son who's super into sports, usually we don't have to push him to go to practice or do anything, but lately he's been coming up with these good reasons. Oh, well, I'm super sore. I'm just gonna take one day off. Which then turns to two or three. You'll be able to see it in your teens. That's okay. Get really good at seeing it in yourself. Some of my good reasons are my teens behaviors, like, well, I'm upset because he fill in the blank. I yell because my teen won't listen. I don't have time to work out because I'm taking care of my teen. Or I'm too busy at work or whatever it is, start seeing all of these for what they are, just good reasons. And then reframe this. You know what, these aren't justifications. These are choices, and I'm hiding behind this justification. Help me feel better or look better. But when you can realize, no, no, this is my choice. I don't need to justify it. You are powerful. You can take full ownership of your life and start showing your teen that they can do the same. So here's some tools. Tool number one, the Good Reason Audit, by the way, tool the Preto could be. Oh, all of a sudden, I forgot the book, the Achievement Habit by Bernard Roth. That could be the Preto that sets up all these other tools, but the next tool could be The Good Reason Audit for the next three days. Every time you hear yourself giving a reason for something, pause and ask, is this a truth or is this a story that I'm telling to justify my behavior? And don't judge yourself. Just notice. Just realize, no, I'm expanding my awareness. I want to catch myself doing this. Tool number two, replace justifications with ownership. Instead of saying, oh, I didn't do it because I was too tired, man, I had a long, rough day at work and this and that. Just say, no, I chose not to do it, and I'm okay with that. That's one of the most powerful things lately when people ask me to do stuff. Like in the past, I'd be like, I, I want to come up with an excuse. Like, oh no, sorry, sorry. I can't do that because this is going on because I'm coaching football. Because, and I don't want to have to justify. I just wanna be like, no, I, I can't make that work. Sorry. And if they ask why? I'm working on being honest and being like, that's not one of my priorities right now. There are other things that I'm working on, like I don't need to justify my behavior to you. It's just a no. Alright. And that shift is powerful because it gives you back your energy. It gives you back agency the power of choice. You're not positioning yourself at the mercy of something outside of your control. And tool number three, if you follow me for a while, you've heard me talk about this. This is the self coaching model. This is the model where we identify our circumstances, how we interpret those based on our thoughts, and then the feelings that we have. From our thoughts and then the actions that those drive and the results of those create, practice, exploring the model and seeing how your excuses or your good reasons are showing up in your thought line and. Impacting how you feel about yourself and the actions that you take. It's powerful when you can go from thinking like, oh man, I have to fix my teen. I gotta make'em happy. Which makes you feel anxious to going to the new thought, which is no, they can be upset. It's not my job to make'em happy. Now you can feel calm. You can feel clear. So let's wrap this up. I want to highlight this. You do not need a good reason to live your life the way you want. You don't have to go around justifying your choices. You don't have to explain yourself. You just need the courage to own your choices. No, that's what I did because that's what I feel like is best for me and my family. I want to encourage you model this behavior for your teen. Be the example of being responsible. I really love this book, the Achievement Habit. It was powerful about teaching about responsibility and helping me see the good reasons that I've been making in my life that hold me back. There's another book called Radical Responsibility by. I can. So Fleet Mall, I think it is. Anyways, that's another really good book. If you want to take this to the next level, you can go read a book or you can hop on a free coaching call with me. I'll walk you through how to start identifying your good reasons and your excuses and how to reframe how you look at that so that you can be empowered in your life. You are powerful. You do not need to justify your choices and catch yourself trying to kind of force your teen into justify. Well, why not? Why? Why wouldn't you want to do this? It isn't helpful to force your teen to come up with excuses that will just hold them back. You can do this. Keep up the good work. As always, keep listening to the podcast. If you have enjoyed this episode or any of the other episodes, feel free to go leave me a five star review. That really helps other parents just like you find my work. And if you want to work with me, probably the easiest way right now, go take the. Parent trap quiz, you can go to ben pugh coaching.com/parent trap quiz. Go take that quiz. That'll put you in contact with me and I can help you start being the parent of your dreams. I'll talk to you soon.