5 tips for Better Communication with Your Teen

Tired of getting one-word answers or total silence from your teen? You're not alone. In this episode, Ben and Cortni share five simple tips that will help you open up real conversations and build a stronger connection with your teen—without pushing, prying, or lecturing.

Whether your teen is super chatty or totally closed off, this episode gives you tools to build trust and real connection.

What You’ll Learn:
✔️ What NOT to do when trying to talk to your teen
✔️ How to spot the topics your teen actually cares about
✔️ Why car rides are secret gold for connection
✔️ Why “being cool” doesn’t work—and what to do instead
✔️ How to handle silence and resistance with love

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Transcript

Ben: 0:00

I'm Ben Pugh and you're listening to IMPACT! Parenting with Perspective. This podcast is all about helping parents manage the mental and emotional drama that comes with parenting teens so they can focus on what's most important. Building rock solid relationships and having a powerful impact on their teen's life. Join me each week as I dive into real tools to help you and your teen turn struggles into strengths. Hello. Everyone. Welcome back to the podcast. Thank you for being here. I hope you are enjoying your summer. Cortni, have you guys done anything fun this summer? I.

Cortni: 0:43

it's. Been too hot to do anything outside.

Ben: 0:46

It has been hot lately, so we have gone to a family reunion, did some cliff jumping into water. That was awesome. Which if you come out here and we go to that river that is like hours and hours away, there's some sweet cliff jumping that we can do.

Cortni: 1:04

Yeah,

Ben: 1:04

let's see.

Cortni: 1:05

I'll take pictures from the bottom.

Ben: 1:08

You are you a chicken?

Cortni: 1:10

I'm a weenie for sure.

Ben: 1:13

That's okay. some people just value their health, safety, and life more than others. I was working with someone, they've gone down the river multiple times and they're like, you don't cliff jump, do you? And I'm like, I go off the tallest one. They're like, we have seen people die.

Cortni: 1:32

Mm-hmm.

Ben: 1:35

Anyways. I love summer Summer's fun. I hope all of you guys listening. I hope you're enjoying Summer with your Teen. If not, we've got some tips that might help your summer be a little bit more fun. These are tips to help you open up conversation with your Teen. and. So that's what we're talking about today. The first tip that I've come up with is. Avoid one-sided communication, and I'll be honest and vulnerable, and I'll let you know what one-sided communication looks like in my home. This is when I turn into lecture, dad and I just start lecturing and my teens love it when I just stand there and lecture and I'm like, why didn't you do this? Why did I actually, they hate it. That is one-sided communication and it will make your communication with your teen suffer. Cortni, are you ever guilty of one-sided communication with your teenager?

Cortni: 2:44

yeah, definitely. I try to be mindful of it, but sometimes I just, I want him to hear what I have to say, even though I'm sure he tunes me out after about 30 seconds.

Ben: 2:54

Yeah. Aside from lecturing, do you have any other ideas of what one sided communication might look like? I'll give you an idea while you think about that. I, I don't feel like I do this, but when I coach lots of moms, lots of moms are guilty of this. It's like they wanna play 20 questions with their teenager when their teen obviously does not want to talk.

Cortni: 3:22

Why are you talking about me? You're putting me on blast.

Ben: 3:26

I wasn't even thinking about you. I was thinking about Stephanie. Just joking. Remember Stephanie, she'll love you. The thing is, a lot of times one sided communication. If you are trying to force the communication, like asking lots of questions, like how was your day at school? I. Or so tell me about this new girl that you like. Sometimes one-sided communication is just you as a parent trying to force it. the other one, obviously we talked about it, but lecturing, did you come up with any other ideas of one-sided communication?

Cortni: 4:06

No, the, the 20 questions is one, I'm.

Ben: 4:10

you'll know it when you feel it because your teen will be reluctant and you will feel like you're trying to force. Some conversation, get outta that trap. That is going to hurt your communication with your teen. we'll talk about it later, but we'll talk about just allowing your teen to be closed off. But for now, the second tip. That I think is super important. Find ways to talk about things that are actually important to your teen, and we randomly get these opportunities in my home, like I have teenage boys, they. Get interested in teenage girls or sports or my oldest, sometimes it's food. He's very much like me. We like good food. If you can identify what does my teen value, you can start talking about those things and you'll know that you'll, that you've hit the jackpot when your teen just completely takes over the conversation. And sometimes with my oldest, like that's, Talking about football, like right now there's not a lot of football talks. There's like recruiting and people signing with teams and BYU just signed a big time quarterback and my son came and told me all about it. I already knew all about it, but I just sat there and listened. I was like, yeah, let's talk about this and if you can find what your teen values. You can spark some conversations and when you get lucky, your teen will just completely take over the conversation. Cortni, do you have any experience with your teen's values and talking about those?

Cortni: 5:55

yeah, I mean, I think just being mindful or thinking about what their values might be, because oftentimes we want our teens to value what we value and think what's important, what, what we think is important. it doesn't usually work that way.

Ben: 6:13

Yeah, I haven't, like my teens, do not appreciate what I think they should appreciate. if you like, just off the top of your head, what would you say your teens, two or three top values are right now?

Cortni: 6:26

his friends volleyball and his girlfriend,

Ben: 6:31

And notice how you are not on that list.

Cortni: 6:33

absolutely not. I.

Ben: 6:35

Yeah, and even if your teen's on your list doesn't mean that you'll be on his top values list. if I were to do my son's top three, probably number one would be basketball, number two would be his girlfriend, and number three would be sleep or doing absolutely nothing. he works hard and then does nothing very hard as well. So,

Cortni: 7:03

Mm-hmm.

Ben: 7:04

and then my oldest, like, man, probably the girlfriend work and looking cool or buying a new car. One of those. But those are also the conversations that we can slide into the easiest. So when you can identify, hey, what does my teen value? And. In a program I used to teach, I'm gonna be relaunching it and reteaching it soon. But I teach about values and the important, the importance of you understanding your own values so that you can then see in others what you've already seen in yourself. And you can see your teen's values. And I promise that is one of the ways that you can greatly improve communication with your teen is simply by understanding. I. Your teen's values. So the third tip is allow your teen to be closed off. And Cortni, I'm gonna let you talk about this one because I know you've had to do this in the past. What does it look like to allow your teen to be closed off?

Cortni: 8:14

I mean, my teen sometimes just doesn't wanna communicate. I'd say most of the time. I'll ask a question and I'll get a one word answer and instead of continuing to probe, like sometimes I just give him his space and then eventually he comes around. Typically, when we're in the car, he'll just start talking. If I don't ask questions, I find when I ask questions and I probe, that's when he closes down.

Ben: 8:38

Yeah. A lot of times I feel like parents, have you ever watched, like, do you know who, oh, what's his name? Terry Fader. He's this ventriloquist. He's really good. He was in Las Vegas for a while. He was on, I think it was the show America's Got Talent either the first or second season, and he won, and then he came to the Utah State Fair and did a show, and he is awesome. Anyways, he's this guy. He's got a dummy that he like moves the dummy's mouth, speaks for the dummy. I feel like sometimes parents. Will not allow their teen to be closed off. And they kind of take on this role of puppet master. Like, I'm gonna talk to you and here's what I want you to say back to me. And they just try and force it. And Terry Fader can do that with his dummies because he's really good and his dummies aren't teenagers. Like, don't get into the puppet master role with your teen. If you can allow them the space that they need and when they wanna be closed off, go ahead. Allow them to be closed off. I have a pre-teen daughter that man, when I get to pick her up from school sometimes, and I'm like, Hey, how was your day? And I'm all excited and she's like, it sucked. I'm like, oh, well tell me about it. She's like, I don't wanna talk about it. Like she just wants to be closed off. And the harder I try to push. The shorter and shorter her answers get and the more closed off she gets. I found if I can give her space, there are times where she just comes around and wants to talk to me, and I can embrace those, but the more I try and force it, the more closed off she gets. It's kinda like, have you ever tried to catch a dog by chasing your dog?

Cortni: 10:31

no, I don't have a dog.

Ben: 10:34

You should get one just so you can understand this principle, but if you try and catch your dog by chasing it, your dog is like, oh, this is fun, and runs away and is impossible to catch. If you stop chasing your dog, your dog will come right up to you and it's like, oh, okay. What? What are we gonna do next? It's kind of like teenagers. If you're trying to force them, that's like chasing your dog and trying to catch your dog by chasing and they think, oh, this is fun. Like you try and make me talk and I'll just talk less and less and less. But sometimes you just give them the space and they'll get bored and just be like, Hey, so what about X, Y, and z? go ahead.

Cortni: 11:16

one other thing, when we do allow them to, to have that space being mindful, like when they don't talk and we do decide to give'em the space, that we don't get attitude like that we're not attached to the outcome that we wanted, that we can just let them have space without. hanging onto that attachment and being disappointed and then interacting with them as though we're disappointed.

Ben: 11:37

Yeah.

Cortni: 11:37

mean?

Ben: 11:38

Yep, that's a good point. Like. Allowing them to have the space without you like throwing a fit or being snarky or, yeah. Really good. Okay. The fourth one that I have here, and we're gonna get to the fifth one that Cortni has already dropped a little hint towards that one, but it's number five, but it might also be my favorite. So make sure you stay tuned for number five. Number four is just be you. And it doesn't matter if you tell cringey. Actually kids nowadays, they say cringe dad jokes like I do this. Like when my kids, when my teens friends come over, I don't mind telling dad jokes. I don't mind sounding dumb. My teenagers tell me I sound dumb. I don't even care. This is who I am. And the funny thing, I was at Walmart last night and I saw three of my former students, and two out of the three of those former students are like, are you still telling lame dad jokes? I'm like, of course I am. I be you and let your teen act annoyed. That's that's part of. That's what teens need to do. They can't let on that. They think their parents are cool. And one of the biggest mistakes I see, parents trying to be cool or trying to be one of the teens, and it comes off as inauthentic. And your teen doesn't want you to be part of them. They want you to be the annoying mom or dad and to just be you. Cortni, any experience with this one?

Cortni: 13:28

Yeah, and your teen's gonna be annoyed no matter what you do, whether you're cool or whether you're not. That's just they have to put off that you're so annoying. Like, can you just stop? You can't win. So just be you.'cause you're not gonna win either way.

Ben: 13:43

Yeah. And being you, if you think about it, that's the easiest way to be. Like that's who you are. And I feel like when I was principal, I. Like that was probably my superpower, was just being me. I remember there's one time, there's people coming from the state. They would do surprise visits to our school and in our commons area, we had these. Cheap black couches that you could take the cushions off and kids would have pillow fights all the time. And so this one particular day when three ladies from the Utah State Office of Education came to visit, I was in mid pillow fight with about four students, demolishing them. Might I add? And these ladies come in like. All dressed up Nice. And it was a Thursday and our school went Monday through Thursday, so it was basically our Friday. And I remember them being like, we need to talk to whoever's in charge. And I was like, oh yeah, come follow me. And they thought I'm taking them to whoever's in charge. And we go into the principal's office, I'm like, Hey, have a seat. And then I sit down in the chair and they're like, you are in charge. Like. Who put you in charge. But that was my superpower by being me. That's how I was able to connect with the teens. And like I remember getting written feedback that I should probably be more professional at school from like these, people observing me. And I was like, no, I can look at the data. And we've had professional pricipals. Since I've been here, kids come to school more. They're happier, they do better in school, and I promise you the same translates to you and your parenting. I feel like sometimes I worry like, oh man, what if my mom saw me parenting this way? Like my mom is always telling me, Ben, you need to get your kids a cow so they can milk a cow and learn how to work hard. And I'm like, no, I'm not gonna do that. Like I'm gonna let my kids sleep in sometimes I'm gonna. Just parent my way.

Cortni: 16:02

Mm-hmm.

Ben: 16:03

Cortni, do you have any, any inner critic that criticizes your parenting? Sometimes,

Cortni: 16:11

yeah, definitely. But I also think. know, before we've done a training on identity, right?

Ben: 16:19

yeah.

Cortni: 16:20

if we are not being true to ourselves and being who we are, how, what example are we setting for our kids? Are our kids gonna feel like they need to be somebody else to fit in? I don't wanna set that example for my children. just something else to be mindful of is your kids see what you do, not what you say,

Ben: 16:38

Yeah. Really?

Cortni: 16:39

do what you do.

Ben: 16:41

Yeah. The most. Powerful thing you do as a parent is. Model your behavior.

Cortni: 16:48

Mm-hmm.

Ben: 16:49

one of the things I tell parents all the time, your teen is not listening to a word you say, just sorry, they're not. But they're watching every move and sometimes they criticize you and that's just part of being a parent. But also your teens, they don't know this, but they're going to end up parenting very similar to how you parent. There'll be one or two things that they're like, we are never doing this, like we are never gonna cook meatloaf in my home. But 90% of how they parent is going to be very similar to how you are currently parenting. Okay. Before we get into number five, this is probably my all time favorite. Cortni's already hinted to it. Let's do a quick. Recap. Number one was avoid one-sided communication. That's like lecturing or forcing your teen to play 20 questions with you. Number two was find ways to talk about things that are important to your teen. Know their values, know what's important to them. Number three is allow your teen to be closed off. The harder you try and force'em to communicate, the more resistant they're gonna be. And number four is to be you. You don't have to be like one of the cool kids anymore, just be you. Even if you're a dorky dad, that's okay. Your teens, that's, they don't want you to be a part of them. Number five, my favorite. Talk to your teens during car rides. If like, if you're like me. You are your teen's chauffeur, and you'll be sitting in the driver's seat, they'll plop down in the passenger seat. It's a perfect opportunity to talk to your teen because your teen doesn't have to maintain eye contact with you. It doesn't feel as awkward. Your teen can look off into the distance if you are really brave and if your teen is old enough to drive. Let your teen drive you sit in the passenger seat and have a conversation while they're driving. One of the things that I found with that your teen is so preoccupied on keeping you and them alive. They like, they're so cute when you do this. They have like both hands on the wheel, sitting a little too close to the, they're driving very carefully and you just start talking to'em and. A lot of their filters that are like, don't talk to mom, don't reveal any information, just be cool. For some reason, their preoccupation on the road breaks down a lot of those filters and you can get straight in and they'll start talking to you while they're driving. So if you're brave, you can try that. Cortni, what's your experience talking to your teen during car rides?

Cortni: 19:43

I think that's the best place for us to talk. And I think you're right. Not having that direct eye contact, not having that pressure. and especially if he is driving, then he's not distracted by a device.'cause I could be trying to talk to him if he's in the passenger seat and. He could like not really be paying attention to his device, but still paying attention to his device. But the car rides is are where we have most of our conversations, like good conversations. And he's about to get his license in a couple weeks. And I'm nervous, like, and I've even told him, I'm like, this is where we talked. This is where we bond and I'll have to make sure we take a ride somewhere.

Ben: 20:24

Yeah, I had another mom that I was working with a long time ago when her son got his driver's license. She would take him out to lunch once a week and she's like, he's poor. Like most teenagers are poor. And she's like, he has expensive tastes. He likes a couple of these. Restaurants that are a little bit nicer, a little bit more expensive, and she's like, it's worth it to me to pay 50 bucks a week so the two of us can go eat some nice food and have a good conversation. And it was kind of fun watching her get to that point because like you before. Their talking time was in the car because this kid really wanted his own independence. He really wanted to be able to drive, but he had to get hours in with his mom, and his mom was like, this is great. He has to talk to me. Let's do this. As soon as he got his driver's license. He didn't want mom riding with him anymore, so she had to brainstorm and come up with what's the next thing, and going out to lunch or a nice dinner. That was her thing, and she reached out to me when he left to college and she's like, I'm missing my meals with my son. Time to. Find what's the next thing? And just kind of rather than looking at it as a challenge, seeing it as an opportunity.

Cortni: 21:56

Mm-hmm.

Ben: 21:57

it's kind of fun seeing her do that. Like, oh hey, the car was my opportunity. Now it's launch. Now what is it? And that's a powerful, like, if you can just start building the ability and the skill to have these conversations. Like, yeah, start with the car, it's a awesome place. Or that might not work for you. I know one mom, I. It was while her son was playing video games, she could sit down right next to him and talk. She actually played video games with him sometimes. Bottom line communication with your teen is important and it's natural for your teen to be a little bit resistant. Hopefully, at least one of these tips can help you uplevel your current conversation level with your teen. Cortni, anything you wanna say before we. Check out for the day.

Cortni: 22:48

Yeah. so I was thinking when you were talking, when my teen does open up to me, if I start firing off questions.'cause I don't know if it's that I'm a mom or if it's that I'm a woman or maybe I'm just really inquisitive. But I have questions and like I have follow up questions to those questions. When he would share something, if I would start asking questions, he's like, I don't know. I don't know. Like I have to be careful with what I say after he shares stuff with me or how many questions I ask.'cause I realized he does share a lot of, things with me that he's like, but he doesn't want his friends' parents to know, which they're not really bad things at all. But grateful that he does open up to me and I don't ask a lot of questions because I don't want him to stop sharing those things with me.

Ben: 23:34

Yeah, I, I think my wife does that to me sometimes. Like I'll run into someone at like the store and then I'll come home and I'll be like, oh, guess who I talked to today? And she's like, oh, awesome. How's their family doing? I'm like, I, I have no idea. And she's like, you didn't ask that? No, I didn't even think about it. Like we were talking about like. What are you getting next to put in your cart? Oh, I'm getting met. Like we didn't talk about the family and I can see that happening with teens. Like, you ask them questions and they're like, I don't even care about that. Like, why would I, that's like your value shining through.

Cortni: 24:21

Yeah.

Ben: 24:23

one bonus tip Everyone likes to talk about things that they're an expert on, and so tip number two was like, find things that your kids value and talk to'em about that. Like my kids know more than the average teen about football or basketball. Maybe for your teen is like magic. The gathering cards or video games, there's one thing that your teen is an expert on. That man, if you can get your teen to open up on this one topic, it's powerful. Your teen is an expert on themselves. Get your teen to talk about themselves. Sometimes some parents, like I had one mom who's like. I don't want'em to be like conceited and prideful and, no, it's okay. Let your teen brag about themselves. Let them be the expert on them. Cortni, anything you wanna add to that? I saw you withholding a snicker the whole time.

Cortni: 25:21

Well, because are they really called Magic Gathering Cards? I thought it was just magic cards. Maybe I, I didn't know. I didn't ask enough questions. Then apparently, if that's what they're really called.

Ben: 25:32

Magic, the gathering.

Cortni: 25:35

I just thought they were magic cards.

Ben: 25:37

Oh, well, it depends on how nerdy your teen is. Nerdy in a good way, guys. I try and go to a board game conference at least once every other year. I enjoy it. I don't get into. Magic. Let's see, what is it called? Magic.

Cortni: 25:53

cards. You're probably right. I just have never heard it called that before.

Ben: 25:58

we had foster kids that, holy cow, they would like get in fights with each other, like fist fights and. These kids were like high school wrestlers too, and they'd be fighting over magic cards. And I'd be like, guys, these cards are so stupid. And they're like, that card is worth like a hundred dollars. And I'd be like, what? And they're like, yeah, I had to trade this card and this card and this card. And I'm like, oh, wow. Anyways, yeah, if that's important to your teen, let your teen be the expert. If you don't know what your teen's, the expert on, just trust they are automatically the expert on themselves. Get them into talking to you about them, and even if they're bragging, even if they're telling tall tales, some of my kids do this and it's okay. Okay. Well, Cortni, anything else you wanna say before we go?

Cortni: 26:53

I think that was good.

Ben: 26:56

All right. Well, thank you Cortni for being on the podcast. All of you guys listening. Thank you for listening. I get to see the downloads week after week after week. Cortni, maybe I should show you how many people are listening to us. It's like,

Cortni: 27:10

have no idea.

Ben: 27:11

it's like four of'em, just joking

Cortni: 27:14

Awesome.

Ben: 27:14

more than four. Guys, I wanna thank you for listening to this podcast. someone reached out to me recently and they're like, yeah, my friend recommended your podcast. It's been so helpful. I want to invite you. Keep sharing that helps us help more parents just like you. And if you can take the time to share this with a friend, leave us some kind words and a review. Those are things that help us. Grow the podcast. So if you've already done that, thank you. If you haven't, what's stopping you? Go help us grow the podcast. Okay, we'll see you next week. Thank you for being here.