3 Books That Will Transform the Way You Parent

In this episode, Ben and Cortni talk about 3 powerful books that changed the way they parent. These books helped them let go of control, build better relationships, and become the parents they want to be.

Ben shares why he avoided one of the books at first—and how it ended up being a game-changer. Cortni tells stories about how these books helped her stop stressing and start showing up with love.

You’ll learn:

• How to stop trying to control your teen
• Why it’s never too late to change
• How books can help you feel less stressed and more confident

If you want simple tools, honest stories, and real change, this episode is for you.

🎧 Tune in now and get inspired to be the parent your teen needs.

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https://benpughcoaching.com/parenttrapquiz

Transcript

Ben: 0:00

I'm Ben Pugh and you're listening to IMPACT! Parenting with Perspective. This podcast is all about helping parents manage the mental and emotional drama that comes with parenting teens so they can focus on what's most important. Building rock solid relationships and having a powerful impact on their teen's life. Join me each week as I dive into real tools to help you and your teen turn struggles into strengths. All right guys. Welcome back to the podcast. Today we, are going to be sharing with you. Some of our favorite books when it comes to upping your game as a parent, but we are also going to be talking about one book in particular that I was reluctant to start reading and Cortni was like, Ben, you gotta read this book. The funny thing is Cortni reached out and was like, Ben, you gotta read this book. Stephanie reached out and she's like, Ben, I think this lady is stealing everything that you teach. And I a few more of my. Previous clients have been like, Hey Ben, you gotta read this. Why was I so reluctant? Cortni, do you, did I ever give excuse?

Cortni: 1:18

I, maybe because I suggested it. I don't know. I feel like that's the way things go.

Ben: 1:22

Oh.

Cortni: 1:23

dunno, you had a long list of books that were, you were. On deck to read, and so I think once enough people said it, you're probably like, all right, this one can move on up.

Ben: 1:32

Actually, I think you're right. I think it was the next book on my list, but when you were like, Ben, you've gotta read this. I just bumped it all the way to the bottom.

Cortni: 1:40

Yeah. Yeah. Right. That's what I think happened. For sure.

Ben: 1:44

No, I'll tell you part of it. So there have been times where I feel like I'm in the zone and I'm like, oh, this is the lesson that I'm learning in my parenting, and I don't. Sometimes I would rather not be tainted by someone else's interpretation,

Cortni: 2:05

Mm-hmm.

Ben: 2:05

don't wanna necessarily teach somebody else's stuff, which, if I'm honest with you, I don't think anyone really has. Teachings that are unique to them, like we've all kind of come up with our own teachings based on things that we've learned from other people or experiences Anyways, I do remember not wanting to be kind of tainted and having her ideas like it is kind of the easy way out. Like, oh, this is really good. I can just regurgitate that rather than processing it in my own. Simple way simple guys, because I teach parents and I teach teenagers, and I'm like the perfect blend because I can teach it simple enough for teens to get it, but also simple enough that parents are like, oh, it really is that simple. Anyways.

Cortni: 3:04

I, I told you like it's you, it's everything that you teach. And I, that's exactly what I said on my first text message to you all those months ago. Like, it's you, everything you teach, she just words it differently.

Ben: 3:16

Yeah, and the thing that I think is super powerful about that is that I. Like, I don't mind recommending other people's stuff to people like leadership and self-deception is probably the book that I've re-referred to people the most. There are concepts in that book that I'm still wrapping my brain around and I can't teach it as well. And the funny thing is like I'll recommend leadership and self-deception like. Let's say to 50 people in a year, and when I talk to all these people, they take something different out of it because where you are like, have you ever heard of the saying like you can never pass through the same river twice?'cause the river's constantly flowing and changing and it's different at one moment than it will be in another moment. I think we're the same way. And so you could almost say that you'll never read the same book twice. Not because the book is constantly changing, but because you are constantly changing and I like having resources like. I've had people that couldn't afford to work with me, and I was like, oh, hey, I'll give you a scholarship to work with me. And this usually means that I'm just letting them work with me for free. And I would prefer to have them earn the scholarship than for me to just give it to'em. And sometimes to give someone a scholarship and that. I don't do this very often, so like don't just start hitting me up being like, Ben, I don't want to pay. You can redo the scholarship thingy. It is very rare, special occasions, but when I do do it, I want people to earn it. I don't want it to be handed out and just given to them. And so one of the things that I'll do is I'll say, Hey, I'd be happy to let you work. In my membership or in whatever I'm doing for free for this period of time, if you will read this book and hop on a one-on-one call with me and have a discussion about it and let's see what you've learned. And I am really excited to have the Let Them theory in like my bag of tricks. Like the next time someone needs a discount or can't afford to work with me, I'll be like, hey. You go read this. I read it in a week. Like I think you could probably make it work in a week or two. Come back to me when you're done. Let's discuss it. And then it kind of helps give me leverage to help someone get the help that they need. Does any of that even make sense?

Cortni: 6:07

It does. I think that's awesome. Like you have to have skin in the game and it's good for you to know that they're invested and they actually want to make the change, and they're willing to do the work before you give up your time. That's.

Ben: 6:19

Yeah. I'm gonna look for your text months back. I wanna see exactly what you said. say something super insightful for the people while I look, Cortni,

Cortni: 6:31

of pre,

Ben: 6:31

when I just throw her under the bus.

Cortni: 6:34

that's a lot of pressure. super insightful. Be the change you want to see.

Ben: 6:40

Yes. I don't even think no Robin's ever said that, but that's

Cortni: 6:44

Well,

Ben: 6:44

basically what she was teaching.

Cortni: 6:47

she does say something about being the example. Let me see if I can find that chapter.

Ben: 6:53

Yeah, I think so. Those of you who haven't read the book yet, like we could. The book and say that it's all about like the Let Them Theory is a two part theory. Let them and let me

Cortni: 7:12

Mm-hmm.

Ben: 7:12

and. You let them And in terms of like what I teach, that would be like the T chart of control and identifying what's within your control, what's outside of your control, and letting go of all the things outside of your control. And then the let me part is the part where you are letting go of the things outside of your control and re harnessing all of that energy so you can be the change. I wish you guys could see Cortni'cause she looks really sheepish because she just

Cortni: 7:47

Did the

Ben: 7:48

away.

Cortni: 7:48

on.

Ben: 7:49

Yeah, I did that like five times.

Cortni: 7:54

You know, I.

Ben: 8:01

But yeah, the let them theory, I love that two part combo. And if I were to like, I wouldn't say that this book is a comprehensive. it doesn't cover everything that I teach. Like there were a few parts in the relationship parts that I was like, man, I wish I could have a conversation with Mel so I could teach her about values-based relationships and understanding your values so that you can then better understand other people's values and start building. Relationships based on values. Anyways, I would say that this is kind of a deep dive into the T chart of control and being the change that you want to see. So if anyone is wondering, like, guys, we still have. month-ish, left of summer, probably a month and a half For most people, if you're looking for a good book to read, you can get the actual paper version and read it. You can read it on Audible. That was kind of fun because Mel Robbins herself reads it, which if I ever write a book, I think I'm already planning that. I'm going to narrate it, but.

Cortni: 9:16

You should. You totally should. Do you recall was it around Christmas time? You were talking about who you'd want to speak at your funeral? That was the time. What holiday was that?

Ben: 9:27

Oh, that might have been Christmas

Cortni: 9:30

Yeah, that's

Ben: 9:31

and you were on my list. Oh, I texted you saying I wanted you to speak at my funeral.

Cortni: 9:36

There we go. I said, just got a new audible book. Let Them by Mel Robbins. Love it. It's essentially everything you've taught me over the last two years just worded differently. And then I said, hope you had a very Merry Christmas, and you said, if I died, did you speak at my funeral? That was your response to my.

Ben: 9:55

You guys, this is the Cortni role. I'm morbid Sometimes we're still on for that, right? If I die

Cortni: 10:05

absolutely. For sure.

Ben: 10:06

and all you guys listen to the podcast, if I die, you gotta reach out and let my family know. Guys, Ben's got everything lined up. Not everything, Cortni. A lot of this is gonna fall on your shoulders, but you are the,

Cortni: 10:23

I'll wing it.

Ben: 10:24

the keynote speaker is what we'll call it. okay, so when you reached out to me this book had already impacted your life, what are some of the places where this book impacted? You personally, and also you as a parent.

Cortni: 10:45

I was wasting so much energy, worrying about things that I can't control, choices that my spouse was making. And it just helped me refocus and be like, let them, like, it really does drain you when you're concerned about something that is outside of your control that someone else is doing. and also with my teenager, she gives an example in the book where her son was going to a dance at school and they didn't have reservations for dinner. And she was worried like, you guys just, you're not gonna be able to get anywhere to eat. Like it's the night of prom. And they're like, mom, we're fine. Like, just leave it alone. older daughter's like, mom, just let them, like, let'em do their thing. And they figured it out. They walked out in the rain. and sometimes like we want things to be perfect for our kids, but sometimes we just have to let them, and it might not be the way we would do it, but they'll figure it out.

Ben: 11:35

Yeah.

Cortni: 11:36

so much, it's so freeing and it just feels better to not be worried about all of those things.

Ben: 11:45

It feels better. And one of the things that I teach about your identity, your identity is made up of how you think, like how you believe, like what you believe about yourself, how you envision yourself. Those are all the thought components, but also how you feel. And when you can let go of things outside of your control, I promise you, you will elevate your energy. If you are feeling stressed all the time, I guarantee you, you are focused on things outside of your control. And the crazy thing is in the world that we live in, like guys, I talk to a lot of parents who are worried about their teens and anxiety, and I talk to a lot of parents who also are struggling with anxiety and it seems like the majority of people in America want. A prescription to take care of that. And I'm like, no. The drugs, they're gonna mask the symptoms. They will never address the root cause. And if you're tired of being stressed out all the time, or if you're a teenager and you're tired of being anxious all the time, really come to terms like, I love the book, the Let Them Theory. I think Mel does a great job doing a deep dive into this. If you want like my. Over a simplified version. I call it the T chart of control. Seriously, it's as simple as sitting down, creating a T chart, and on one side writing things that I can control. And on the other side, writing things that I cannot control. Make two lists, and then mentally. Identify, oh, these are the things outside of my control. When I focus on this, I feel stressed, I feel anxious, and shift your attention to the things that you can control. Like I have to do this in solar all the time. Like I sell solar on the side. It's kind of a fun gig sometimes. Sometimes it's stressful.'cause like right now I have so many potential clients that they're like, oh, I gotta talk to my spouse. I don't know. I'll get back to you. And if I focus on all of these people, like, man, are they gonna buy, are they not gonna buy? Like what are they gonna do? I feel stressed because that's something outside of my control. But when I'm like, no, I can better understand. The panels that we offer, I can better understand the key components that make our systems the best out there. I can do these handful of things and the icing is when I do that, I feel more confident. So yeah, the Let Them theory, it is definitely on my list of books that I would recommend to parents. I wouldn't say that it has necessarily taken the place of any of my former top recommendations, I wouldn't necessarily like, I still highly recommend leadership and self-deception. Like I can see applications where. Like that's the number one book I recommend to parents all the time. I can also see applications where knowing certain parents, I might be like, no, no, you gotta start here. Start with the Let Them Theory. And so the other book that I would add to the list, actually I have two more. One you might scratch your head at. Let's start with the one you wouldn't. Brene Browns the Gift of Imperfect Parenting. It's not even like an actual book, it's just like an audio on Audible and maybe on YouTube. I thought that book was fantastic. And then the other book that I often recommend is a Christmas Carol and people are like, why do you recommend a Christmas book that's so lame? It gets into some of the weird, deep spiritual stuff that I teach. And I believe that there's a past version of us, a present version of us, and a future version. And I just love the example of Scrooge, of navigating those three different versions of himself and then in the present. Taking ownership and creating change. And that's one of the things I get a lot of parents that have a lot of regret over how they've parented in the past, maybe how they were parented in the past. And when we can kind of explore that and really identify well. If you keep parenting the same way, what's it gonna look like in the future and starting to make some changes in the present. So that's, I don't even know how many books that was, but

Cortni: 16:46

Four

Ben: 16:47

the Let how many books.

Cortni: 16:50

A let them theory, leadership and self deception. The gifts of imperfect parenting and a Christmas Carol, which by the way, I thought was a little goofy too, but now hearing you explain it, I get it. I get it.

Ben: 17:02

It's super powerful and like we talked about earlier, like the analogy that you can never go through the same river twice because it's constantly changing. I feel like. Like there are so many books that I read. Ooh, another book that I would add. Jonathan Livingston, sequel. Have you ever read that book?

Cortni: 17:23

I have.

Ben: 17:25

My grandma made me read that when I was 12, and I have loved it ever since. In fact, if you read that book. That will give you a little bit of insight into who I am and kinda why I am the way I am. I just love personal development and growth. I love Jonathan Livingston Siegel, and I feel like that book inspired me at a tough time when I was a teenager. So,

Cortni: 17:51

Yeah, I was just telling you before, like before we started. that I thought was really pivotal and me changing and developing as a person was a new Earth by Eckhart Toley, and I just started listening to it again. So I can't regurgitate everything that he teaches, but I just remember that being a very important part life when things changed is when I read that book.

Ben: 18:13

Yeah. Yeah. And that goes back to what I'm telling you. Like you can't cross through the same river twice'cause it's constantly changing. Well take that to a higher level. You are constantly changing, like you and that same river. You will always be different every time that you meet. And there are so many books, like I've probably read Leadership and Self-Deception one to two times a year. For the past 10 years, and every time I read it, something else stands out. And some of the lessons that before I was working on, I'm like, oh, that's super easy. But there are new lessons that I'm like, man, I gotta work on this. And so. One of the things I'd invite you to do after listening to this podcast, number one, I would say go out. Listen to Mel Robbins. if you're close to Mel, just let her know she stole all my crap and I'm not happy. Just let her know. She is fantastic. I would love to have her on my podcast. She is just phenomenal. Cortni would probably pass out because

Cortni: 19:21

I

Ben: 19:22

she'd be like a real celebrity on here, not just Ben.

Cortni: 19:27

No.

Ben: 19:28

But the thing is like after listening to, to this podcast, like if you are the type of parent who wants a better relationship with your teen and you catch yourself getting into The controlling parent trap. I talked about three parent traps. I have a quiz where you can go assess yourself and see which trap you fall in, but there's the controlling parent trap, the doormat parent trap, and the lost and confused parent trap. If, if you were in the controlling parent trap, the Let Them theory is for you. Would you agree with that, Cortni?

Cortni: 20:13

I think any parent trip, I think if you're a parent, if you're a person, you could benefit from the Let Them theory. I think any, everybody can, there's something in there for everyone.'cause she doesn't just talk about relationships with kids or teens or spouse, but even friendships and how those evolve and it not take everything. So personally, like there are so many good things that we can all benefit from in that book.

Ben: 20:37

Yeah, my. My family has some really close friends, like there was probably 14 years where we hung out with this one family, probably two to three times a week on average. And there were some weeks where we hung out every single day and somewhere it was just once, maybe twice. We were super close to this family and they listen to this podcast sometimes, so if they're listening, I don't want you to think we're less close, but guys. When you moved away from us, it made it really hard. And having Brene Brown talk about friendships and oh, she has three rules for the friendships. I can't remember what they are, but one is like convenience, proximity. Time of life, I can't remember, but like we had such a magical 15 years and we're still super close. Like for 4th of July weekend, we went and stayed with them and then our plans changed and we stayed an extra day with them. And it's just every time we get back together, it's like no time has passed. We just get right back into being best friends. But it was really helpful listening to that part where Brene or Brene, wrong book where Mel talked about friendships and stuff, because my wife and I have legitimately been mourning the change in that friendship, and it was just helpful to put that into a different perspective and see it through a different lens,

Cortni: 22:17

Mm-hmm.

Ben: 22:20

Well, I think we could make this a short-ish episode. Any last words that you wanna say about the Let them theory?

Cortni: 22:30

Hmm. Not that I can think of at the moment. I usually get inspired listening to you talk.

Ben: 22:36

Yeah, so I try and get the last word so that I'd be one up to the other. And then you're like, oh, wait, wait, wait. here's my last word and then we'll let Cortni get her last words. Whatever I say anyways, but I really love the Let Them theory. One thing that I would warn you about, like it is called the Let Them Theory, but. Don't see it as that one-sided. Like this is not about letting other people just walk all over you if possible. Like it would've been great to call it the, let them let me theory, like I love that dual action and for me, like that's the t chart of control, like taking time to identify what is outside of my control. I'm just gonna let them, and then it helps for me mentally to kind of, I play a lot of board games. My best friends that I talked about on the podcast, he is a board game junkie, like he's an addict. And I like to think of things in terms of board games and when I play board games, like if you're squandering your assets or your. Or your money in a game, you're gonna lose if you're going through life, focusing on things outside of your control. That's like in a board game where you're just squandering your. Helps, or your energy, or your trading power, whatever it is, and you're gonna lose if you can identify the things outside of your control. And for me, it helps to make this mental shift. Like, oh, I have energy that I could apply to that, but I'm gonna re harness all of that energy and I'm going to apply it to something in the column. Of things within my control and the let them, let me, that concept in the book that let me, in my opinion, is you re harnessing your energy and being the change that you want to see, taking ownership and responsibility for you, how you behave, how you feel, all of that. Okay, Cortni, last words.

Cortni: 24:48

All right. I got a couple, when you were talking about the Christmas Carol and about past and thinking that you may have made mistakes or whatnot, like it's never too late switch things up and it might take time your child or whoever else that you're interacting with differently to be responsive to that, but to not give up. I don't know. I was feeling that when you were talking about it before, but I forgot. And one other thing she talks about in the book that might inspire someone to listen to it. and I think it's really important because a lot of us care too much about what other people think. but she really hits home on let them think bad thoughts about you. she's like, everybody has bad thoughts about you, like even your spouse. And she gives examples of thoughts she had about her husband, or bad thoughts she had about her daughter. she's like, but I love them. Everyone will have bad thoughts about you, and so many of us are worried about what people will think, about things that we say or do, especially our teenagers. Let them have their bad thoughts, like it's freeing to not have to worry about that.

Ben: 25:49

Yeah. Awesome. I love that. And when you were talking about it never being too late,

Cortni: 25:56

Mm-hmm.

Ben: 25:57

a few years ago, my wife and I watched the movie. I Can Only Imagine, have you ever seen that movie?

Cortni: 26:05

I did. Yep.

Ben: 26:06

I love that. Do you remember how crappy the relationship was between that singer and his dad?

Cortni: 26:14

Mm-hmm.

Ben: 26:14

And as you're watching the movie, you're like, this is never going to get better. Like, this is just horrible. And the dad was a one who. Wanted to create change and he created change and like you would've thought it was too late. And it was not too late. And if you are a parent and you are worried, like I have, my oldest son is going off to college and we had a discussion. It wasn't ugly, it was at 1130 at night, which is not my favorite time to have discussions, but he's like, I'm an adult. I should be able to do whatever I want. Me and my wife are like, look, we pay for like almost everything. You gotta jump through a few hoops. And I, if you are in my same boat and you are having a child that's going off to college or something, and if you are worried that it is too late, I promise you it is not too late. It is never too late, and things can change more radically. Than you believe. Like Cortni, I remember when you finally read leadership and self-Deception, like I felt like I recommended that to you multiple times,

Cortni: 27:33

Yes you

Ben: 27:33

let's just do coaching. And then I remember at one point you're like, okay, so I just read that book and everything changed. Like you have the power to change everything by being the change you wanna see.

Cortni: 27:45

Yeah. I took offense to that book when I first started listening to it. Like, wow, this is what he thinks of me. Like, ugh. Like, and I did not wanna keep listening to it, but I stayed the course and it, it's an amazing book.

Ben: 27:57

Yeah, the the funny thing is your thought was this is what he thinks about me, and I could see that like, what you think I'm the problem? You think I'm the mess?

Cortni: 28:07

Yes.

Ben: 28:08

And the truth is, I'll be honest with what I saw in you. I saw a mom who's trying to control these things outside of her control and I was like. Oh my goodness. You re harness that energy into you. You're just gonna be amazed at I, I saw the potential and it took a little while. You may or may not be the most stubborn client I've ever worked with. Okay.

Cortni: 28:34

It's okay. I don't mind. But also, like, I remember you saying like, you're in the box towards your husband. Like you're in the box. You're in the box. I'm like, whatever this box is, whatever. but I was, and when you're in the box towards someone, everything that they do, you see them through this lens of cardboard. Like it just. It, influences everything that they, how you see everything that they do, and it, you can make anything negative, whether it's a negative or not, when you're in the box towards someone.

Ben: 29:05

Yeah. guys, we keep on pretending like we're gonna end this podcast, but psych we're still here. I was just exploring. Being in the box, what that meant, and I took some notes. Okay, here it is. Okay. So I was just exploring this concept. I hadn't listened to the book recently. Again, I was just kind of exploring for coaching in my own purposes, but I came up with this saying that when you are in the box, you are trying to define someone else by your understanding of them. By your values and by your standards. Would you agree with that?

Cortni: 29:52

Yes.

Ben: 29:54

th this, by the way, is why our country is so divided right now, like politics, religion, sports. Like people are trying to define others by their own understanding, their own values, their own standards, and. We're all in the box towards each other, and gosh, not to take anything away from Mel Robbins, but leadership and self-deception is still probably the number one book that I refer. Parents to, because when they want to change their teen, I want to help them get out of the box. And when you look at our society, it makes sense that you would be in the box towards your children or your spouse.'cause that's what we get in the media and all around us. But anyways, yeah, if you are in the box, I promise you, you're trying to define someone else based on your values, your understanding, your lens, and that was powerful.

Cortni: 30:51

a person. Yeah, it's, yeah, it's a good book. Just read both, let's say, let's just read both.

Ben: 30:58

Yeah, read one, then read the other. We don't care which one you start with, but pick one. And here's the thing. You can always use the Text Ben feature to the podcast and let us know what you think of the books and. I don't know. I was thinking we could do something special for anyone who reached out and was like, Hey, I read the book. We could even host a group call if we got enough people to use the text Ben feature in your podcast app. That was like, Hey, I read it. I would love to discuss it. I would be willing to host a live call. Cortni, would you be willing to co-host a live call?

Cortni: 31:38

I think it would be so much fun. The group coaching calls were one of my favorite things back in the membership. It was my favorite thing. I attended a lot of them, almost all of them.

Ben: 31:47

Yes you did. I need to get back to that guys. There's things coming. Just gotta be patient because sometimes I'm slow, especially during football season, which. Side note, our new football coach, who I coached back when he was a freshman by the way, so that's how you know I'm getting old. He has us as coaches, we are the scout d and we're holding bags like, not like grocery bags, like big old dummies for the football kids to hit. I am getting so beat up at practice and I'm like the coach that all the kids like wanna one up and I'm pretty tough guys. Like don't even question my toughness. I. Since most of y'all are women listening to this, I could probably bench more than you, but whatever. These kids will double team me and they will triple team me and they just demolish me. So now, not only am I business with my own business selling solar and coaching football, on top of that, I have to come home and heal. Like I have literal bruises on my body from football practice. Anyways.

Cortni: 33:05

You got it. You're tough.

Ben: 33:06

I got this guys,

Cortni: 33:08

You can bench press more than us. Stop complaining. Okay?

Ben: 33:11

not collectively, and oh my goodness, I sat down and benched the other day. This freaking kid is stronger than me. And I was like, what? I gotta get back to work. Gotta be.

Cortni: 33:24

man strength.

Ben: 33:25

I know. Okay, well guys. Go listen to Mel Robbins, the Let Them Theory. It is powerful. When you get done with that, go listen to leadership and self-deception and use the Text Ben feature. If we get enough people that said, Hey, I listened to that, we will for sure host a live. Discussion call. We may even get into some group coaching. It'll be awesome, but go use that feature and let's try and get a handful of people and do something fun.

Cortni: 34:02

Or text Ben, if you have questions about how some of those things might apply to your current situation, if

Ben: 34:08

Yeah.

Cortni: 34:08

need some more clarification, yeah,

Ben: 34:10

Yeah.

Cortni: 34:11

out.

Ben: 34:11

can unpack that on one of our podcast episodes. Okay. Well, with that. We're gonna let you guys go. Thank you for being here, and we'll talk to you soon.

Cortni: 34:22

See ya.