How to Change Your Teen with This One Trick

Is your teen yelling, arguing, or just pushing all your buttons?

In this episode, I’ll show you the one trick that can change everything: modeling the behavior you want to see.

You’ll learn how to:

• Stop mirroring your teen’s bad behavior
• Escape the controlling parent trap
• Lead with calm, confidence, and purpose
• Turn blowups into powerful teaching moments

You don’t need to be perfect—you just need to show up with intention. Let’s dive in.

Are You Caught in the Parent Trap?

Discover the hidden patterns that are keeping you stuck—and how to break free.

Take this quick (and eye-opening) quiz to uncover which common parenting trap you’re falling into with your teen.
Get a personalized roadmap to help you parent with more clarity, confidence, and connection—starting today.

https://benpughcoaching.com/parenttrapquiz

Transcript

Ben: 0:00

I'm Ben Pugh and you're listening to IMPACT! Parenting with Perspective. This podcast is all about helping parents manage the mental and emotional drama that comes with parenting teens so they can focus on what's most important. Building rock solid relationships and having a powerful impact on their teen's life. Join me each week as I dive into real tools to help you and your teen turn struggles into strengths.

ben_1_07-30-2025_143115: 0:33

Hello, welcome back to the podcast. Thank you for being here. if you are like me, your summer is probably winding down quicker than you'd like to have happen. Or also if you're like me, some days you're more than ready to summer, to have summer be over so that you can send your kids back to school and have a little bit more time. Uh, either way. I feel like I'm a little bit sad to see Summer Go. I have had a good summer. We've enjoyed hanging out as a family. We've done some fun things, but at the same time, I feel like. Where did the summer go so fast? It has just flown by. And so if your, like me and your summer is rapidly coming to an end and maybe you wish you'd had done a few more fun things with your teen, I want to invite you, make the most of what you have left with your summer school's coming just around the corner. And I feel like when school. When we're in the middle of school time at my house, we just kind of get into the school time rut and I just want to break the routine. I want to use summer to have a lot of fun now anyways. That's more for me to hear myself talk and say, Ben, get out. Make some memories. Have fun with summer. Today we are going to be talking about mirroring versus modeling, and we're going to explore what you are teaching your teen with your own behavior. Now this is connected to a real life parenting experience that I had, plus an experience that a father recently shared with me. So the first thing, before we dive into all of this, I want you to take a minute and I want you to explore. Have you ever found yourself yelling at your teen because they were yelling at you? If you're like me, you've been guilty of this. If you're like a lot of the parents that I work with, you've experienced your teen yelling at you and just out of habit, you've yelled back, you've mirrored the behavior that your teen. So today we're gonna talk about mirroring versus modeling. We're also going to talk about two outta the three parent traps that are connected to this problem, and that is the controlling parent trap. And the lost and confused parent trap. And just like always when we talk about parent traps, I am going to give you the secret for how to get out of those parent traps. And when it comes to mirroring your teenager, there is a super powerful. Trick to get out of the trap of mirroring your teen. And that's modeling, and I'll touch, I'll teach you how to do that here in a minute. So let's talk about this story from this dad who is dealing with a very angry teenager. the teen and the dad and the mom were having this big disagreement about. Choices. The teen was making lifestyle choices, actions that, and behaviors that the teen was engaging in. And the teen was very angry. Like he was yelling at the parents, he was making accusations, name calling, like he was saying, some very hurtful things, just trying to hurt their feelings. I know if you've been a parent of a teenager for very long, you've probably experienced something very much like this. And he was saying mean, rude, cruel things. He was trying to hurt his parents' feelings so that they would change their behavior. He, he's trying to change how his parents feel so that they'll feel bad and they'll loosen up or they'll go back on the decision that they made. Now, the parents. Like in the face of being called all these horrible names and being yelled at, they responded by yelling back and defending themselves, and even accusing this teenager of certain things. They're trying to now make him feel bad so that he'll stop behaving this way so that he will change his behavior. Now, these parents were stuck. Stuck. That's not even a word. These parents were stuck in mirroring their teenager, and this makes sense. Human beings are herd animals. We mirror each other. We do that all the time. If you're in a group of people and they start talking bad about someone and you're like, oh my goodness, did you see. The way she just yelled at her child and blah, blah, blah, and then we just join in. We mirror that behavior and we're like, oh yeah, did you also see X, Y, and Z? Like it's natural as human beings to mirror. That's what we do as herd animals. It's okay as long as you can be aware of it. You can have control over this. Now, both sides, from what I understand, were engaged in mirroring the child or the teen would yell, the parents would yell back, then the teen would mirror that and yell even louder, and then the parents would get louder. Both sides were engaged in mirroring both sides. Were trying to control the other side's, emotional state and their behavior and. Both sides were reacting to each other. Neither side was leading, and that's okay. This happens all the time in parenting. Now I want to teach you about the parent traps that were connected in this instant and these parents aren't the only one. Like the funny part is I'm sharing this with you, me and my wife and my oldest had a similar. Disagreement but still, like these type of things happen to all parents. Now, when it comes to the trap of mirroring your teen, oftentimes it's tied to the controlling parent trap. Um, this teen was trying to manipulate and control the parents by yelling and guilt tripping. Yeah, that's what teens do. It's okay. The parents. Were mirroring that they were yelling back. They were shaming their teen into behaving differently. When you can understand, oh, this is just tied to the controlling parent trap. You know exactly how to get outta that trap. I have a free quiz. You can find it@benpughcoaching.com slash parent trap quiz, and it will like you just answer a few questions and it'll tell you which parent trap you get stuck in the most. Typically it's the controlling parent trap. Followed by the lost and confused parent trap, followed by the doormat parent trap. Anyways. If you are getting caught in the controlling parent trap, the way to get out is to identify what are the things within my control and what are the things outside of my control, what your teenager says about you, how they treat you, how they feel, how. All of those things are outside of your control. I teach my parents that I work with all the time, like, Hey, here's a T chart of control. On the left hand side, put the few things that you can control on the right hand side. Put everything that you cannot control, and then shift your attention, move your energy from trying to control all of these things outside of your control to just controlling the one, two, maybe three things that are within your control. The other parent trap that is connected to mirroring is the lost and confused parent trap. In this story that I just told you about where this mom and this dad were just having a big old battle with their teenager, the parents had lost connection with who they want to be as parents. I guarantee you, they don't want to be the kind of parents who just yell. Call names and say mean things. I haven't met a single parent that's like, no, I think that's cool. That's who I want to be. Usually they're like, no, I wanna be kind. I wanna be respectful. But in the heat of the moment, they lost sight of being the parent of their dreams. They lost sight of who it was that they wanted to be. And when you forget your parenting identity, you don't have. This compass basically to help you navigate these tough parenting moments. Your parenting identity, it's like a compass in the jungle to help you navigate or maybe a beacon out in the distance that you're like, oh, that's where I want to go. In tough parenting moments, if you don't have a clear vision of who you want to be as a parent, you will mirror the chaos that's coming from your teen instead of modeling calm, intentional behavior. So. When it comes to getting lost in the lost and confused parent trap, really take some time to identify who you want to be as a parent and start practicing being the parent of your dreams that will help you be more intentional in these tough parenting moments. So when it comes to mirroring versus modeling. Typically as human beings, when we are mirroring people, we are reacting, we're being reactive. And in the case of these parents, they were trying to change their teen's behavior by matching the teen's emotional energy. It happens all the time. It's natural, but it usually doesn't end well. Now modeling. Is a form of leading, it's being a leader, as being an example. Whether your teen agrees with what you're trying to teach them through modeling. Whether they agree with that or not, it doesn't matter. You have the opportunity to show your teen what self-control looks like, what respect looks like, what calm leadership looks like, even when they don't want to exhibit any of those. And I want you to just ask yourself, which one. Will better teach your teen long-term skills, mirroring and reacting to their behavior that you're not happy with, or modeling and demonstrating the behavior that you'd like to see. If you want your teen to manage their emotions well, they need someone to show'em how to do it, and there's no one better than you to model that behavior. They don't need someone to match their meltdown and help escalate things. Give them the example model that even if they're not going to follow your lead, that's okay. So when it comes to mirroring versus modeling, if you are. Mirroring. I guarantee you one or both of these parent traps is contributing to that. You're stuck in the controlling parent trap. You're trying to control things that you can't control. Your teen's mood, their words that they use, their reactions. You can't control any of that, but you can't control your words, your reaction, how you set boundaries. So let go of the things that are outside of your control and. Re harness that energy to control what you can control. The other trap that contributes to mirroring, it's being lost and confused. This happens all the time. When you catch yourself frustrated, yelling, angry, you're probably in the lost and confused parent trap. Take a minute and really explore. Who do I want to be? Maybe don't. Explore, like, who do I want to be right now because I'm just pissed off right now. Maybe be like, no, like in 20 years, like who do I want to be? What kind of grandparent do I want to be? How can I apply that to parenting? Now, when it comes to mirroring versus modeling, mirroring is just another trap that we fall into as parents. It has roots in. The controlling of the lost con, lost and confused parent trap. That's okay. When we can identify and know what it is and see it for what it is, we have the power to do what it takes to get out of the trap. And when it comes to mirroring your teen, especially like you can mirror your teens, sometimes it's appropriate. Like if they're having fun and you're grumpy, mirror your team. Find a way to have fun. Make things more lighthearted. Teens are really good at that, and as parents, we're hurt animals. We can follow their lead, that's perfect, but we're doing it intentionally. If you are ever unintentionally mirroring your teen and they're yelling and you find yourself yelling. Really explore, how can I model the desired behavior that I want right now? Man, my teen is so mad, they're yelling at me. I can feel, I want to yell back. How can I model the behavior I wish I were seeing in my teen right now? How can I be calm? Those are empowering questions and it will help you. Stop falling into the same old parenting traps. It will help you be the parent that you want to be. And the thing to keep in mind is that. You can't stop hard parenting moments from happening. Like tough parenting moments are just part of the gig when you decided to have children and allow them to grow up to be teenagers, which the alternative is murder. So I'm glad you allowed them to grow up to be teens. You signed up for tough parenting moments and that's okay. You can't control the tough parenting moments. You can't stop'em. You can't completely avoid them, but you can decide who you want to be in those moments and how you want to handle them. Now let's talk about imperfect parenting moments. this dad, the way he told me about it, like I know he is not proud of how he handled that. I know that that's not who he wanted to be. It's an imperfect parenting moment. You didn't show up as a dad that you wanted to be. That's okay. That happens to me. You are going to mess up, you're going to yell, you're going to react in ways that you regret. You're gonna say things you regret. You're gonna behave in ways that you regret. That's part of parenting. But those ugly parenting moments, those imperfect parenting moments, they're actually golden opportunities. When you can reflect on this imperfect parenting moment and when you can apologize and take ownership, you're modeling one of the most important life skills that your team can learn. You're modeling how to take responsibility. You're modeling how to repair a relationship. You're modeling how to lead yourself first rather than trying to lead by changing someone else first. And the truth is, imperfect parenting moments have the potential to be more impactful than if you'd have parented perfectly in the first place. And I've seen that so many times in my own life as a parent and with so many of the parents that I've worked with. When you can take an imperfect parenting moment and when you can own it and grow from it, like one of my favorite stories, there's this mom. Not very athletic, and her teens are super athletic and super tall. Anyways, one time she was like, my teen was just saying the worst stuff to me, and he was being so disrespectful and the only thing I could do was just bend down, pick up one of his shoes, and I threw it at his head as hard as I could. And the thing is she's like, I'm not a good shot. And somehow I drilled him right in the face and she was so embarrassed. She felt so bad. And I was like, Hey, and this had happened like just a day or two before our. Most recent coaching call. I was like, well, what'd you do after that? And she's like, I apologized. I had told him like, this is not who I want to be. I will never do that again. And something powerful happened. There was this super ugly, imperfect parenting moment that she was ashamed of, and yet that inspired her to completely change how she parented. Like that's when her growth with me as her coach. Really took place. Something changed in that imperfect parenting moment when she committed. I will never throw a shoe at my child again. I will never be that parent again. This is who I want to be. And something powerful happened with her child when she went and apologized and she's like, I'm so sorry. That is not who I want to be. I promise you that will never happen again. And then the teens started apologizing. And when she took responsibility, he started taking responsibility. You see, there's a powerful thing when it comes to mirroring and modeling. People are going to mirror other people because we're human beings. We're herd animals. That's just what we do. But when you can intentionally know, this is the behavior I want to model. There's a pretty good chance that your teen will mirror the behavior that you are intentionally modeling. Now, it's not 100%, it's probably more like 50 50, maybe even worse. But if you are modeling. The exact same behavior that your teen is showing you, and you're just, they're yelling and you're yelling back when you're mirroring that, you're actually modeling that behavior and your teen is more likely going to follow your lead, and it's just gonna get louder and louder and uglier and uglier. But when you can model intentionally, this is who I want to be. I'm gonna be calm, I'm gonna take responsibility. There's now a chance, even if it's a small chance, it's better than no chance at all. But there's a chance that your teen will follow your lead and behave similarly to how you're modeling for them. So I promise you, if you've had imperfect parenting moments. That doesn't disqualify you from being a good parent. That doesn't say, oh man, this mom doesn't even deserve to be a mom. No. When you have ugly, imperfect parenting moments, start seeing it for the opportunity that it is. It's an opportunity for you to personally grow, for you to course correct and commit. I'm never gonna be that way again. I'm gonna be this way. And it's also an opportunity for you to. Build a stronger connection with your teen and have a powerful impact on your teen's life. Now, I wanna recap just super quickly. Mirroring is typically when you're trying to control someone else and you've lost side of your parenting identity, that's okay. It happens. Modeling is how you get out of the trap of mirroring, and it's a powerful, powerful decision. To be the parent that you want to be. And when you make mistakes and you have those imperfect and ugly parenting moments, that's okay. No one's keeping score. No one's saying, oh man, but they messed up this many times. No. All it takes is one time for you to be like, you know what? I will never do that again. That is not who I am. You will change and it will create an impact that your teen is going to feel So. The next time your team blows up, I want to invite you take a minute and explore who do I want to be in the face of this chaos? What do I want to model instead of mirroring my teen's behavior? If you are like me and the parents that I work with you, your teens are going to give you opportunities for you to work on this this week. That's okay. Embrace the opportunities. I want you to realize that imperfect parenting moments are powerful stepping stones to help you be the parent of your dreams, and there are powerful tools for connection with your team. Now, I know that summer is coming to an end. I have had a super busy summer. I didn't really offer a lot of one-on-one coaching slots. If you or your teen are interested in one-on-one coaching, I do have a few slots that I can make available. They are mainly daytime slots because I'm coaching high school football right now and my evenings are shot. If you as a parent or if your teen's available in the morning, I've got a few morning time slots and maybe even an afternoon slot that we could figure out. But if you think one-on-one coaching could help you, which I'd just say this, if you're having a hard time connecting with your teen. I know I can help you. If you get stuck mirroring your, your teen's rude, crappy behavior, I can help you go book a free consultation. You can go to ben pugh coaching.com/mini. That is a completely free. Coaching call. on those calls, we'll just explore whether or not we think we're a good fit for each other, whether or not I think I can help you and if so, I'll invite you to work with me. It's no pressure. If you want to, great. If not, no problem. The slot will be available for someone else. But go ahead, go to ben pugh coaching.com/mini and you can book that free one-on-one coaching call and we'll. Explore the option of coaching. If you're just like, Ben, I'm such a mess. I know I'm in parenting traps and I don't know which ones. Go to ben Pugh coaching.com/parent trap and you can explore what parent trap you're stuck in. Alright guys, with that, I'm gonna let you go. We'll be back next week. I'll talk to you soon.