IMPACT: Parenting with Perspective
IMPACT: Parenting with Perspective
Stop Parenting for Approval—Your Teen Needs the Real You
Do you ever catch yourself parenting for the approval of others—your neighbors, your parents, or even your teen? The truth is, people-pleasing doesn’t build connection. It creates distance.
In this episode, Ben and Cortni unpack why parents often hide behind “masks” of who they think they should be—and how that keeps them from real connection with their teens. You’ll hear powerful stories from sports, parenting, and coaching that reveal why authenticity always wins.
What you’ll learn in this episode:
- Why people-pleasing hurts your relationship with your teen
- How to recognize when you’re parenting for approval
- The role of identity in becoming the parent you want to be
- A simple tool (10-word vision statement) to guide you back to your real self
- How being authentic inspires your teen to do the same
Parenting gets easier when you stop trying to be “perfect” and start being the real you. Listen in and discover how to connect more deeply with your teen today.
Are You Caught in the Parent Trap?
Discover the hidden patterns that are keeping you stuck—and how to break free.
Take this quick (and eye-opening) quiz to uncover which common parenting trap you’re falling into with your teen.
Get a personalized roadmap to help you parent with more clarity, confidence, and connection—starting today.
https://benpughcoaching.com/parenttrapquiz
I'm Ben Pugh and you're listening to IMPACT! Parenting with Perspective. This podcast is all about helping parents manage the mental and emotional drama that comes with parenting teens so they can focus on what's most important. Building rock solid relationships and having a powerful impact on their teen's life. Join me each week as I dive into real tools to help you and your teen turn struggles into strengths.
ben_6_08-15-2025_103352:All right everybody. Welcome back to the podcast guys. Summer has been crazy. So those of you who have kept listening to the podcast all summer long, bonus points to you Cortni, do you wanna throw in any bonus points? Like, okay, cool.
squadcaster-7140_1_08-15-2025_113356:Bonus points for listening until I came back. Yeah.
ben_6_08-15-2025_103352:I know you've been gone for I don't know how many episodes. Anyways, guys, these Ben Pugh and bonus points are redeemable nowhere. Sorry. But you can feel good inside knowing that not only did you earn bonus points for listening to the podcast all summer long, but you learn some powerful parenting skills that'll help you be the mom or the dad that you've always wanted to be. So today we didn't just come here to give you bonus points. is a trend that I would like to talk to you about, and this is a trend that I see as a high school football coach, in my own one-on-one coaching practice. I'm working with some. Really elite, level, high school athletes, and this is a trend that I see with them and in my own life, I even have seen a tendency for me to fall into this trap. And the trap, or this trend that I want to talk about is when people change who they are based on who they think other people. Think they should be. This gets kinda confusing. Cortni, does that make sense how I said
squadcaster-7140_1_08-15-2025_113356:It made sense, but I know you, so maybe I just know what you're trying to say, but No, I think that made sense.
ben_6_08-15-2025_103352:Okay. Yeah. So basically you change how you behave, you change who you are. To fit what you think other people want you to be,
squadcaster-7140_1_08-15-2025_113356:Mm-hmm.
ben_6_08-15-2025_103352:I feel like this is one of the traps that I fall into sometimes. was just talking to my own personal coach and we're talking about like one of the skills that I have, I'm a really good salesman sometimes like back when I would apply for jobs, if I got an interview. I would get offered the job because I'm really good at selling myself and I'm really good at like being this chameleon and I'm like, oh yeah, I can do that. Yeah, I can do that. And then I'd run into the problem where I'd take a job and then I would hate the job and I'd be like, oh, why did I do that? The thing is. If you are a people pleaser, or sometimes I see this with like, people add really strict parents or parents that would sometimes go freaking crazy they're like, oh, I gotta manage my parents' emotional state so they don't at me, or, so they don't beat me like. If that sounds like you, this might be a trap that you have conditioned yourself to fall into where you pay hyper attention to what you think other people want out of you, and then you do the best to make them Cortni, have you ever fallen into that trap?
squadcaster-7140_1_08-15-2025_113356:Definitely, especially when my son was in junior high, I felt like he was changing and that's kind of where they start to get more freedoms and I would compare myself and he would compare me to other parents or other freedoms that other kids had and I struggled with, do I stick to my values and like what I think is right or do I bend and like give him. With it. I definitely, I definitely have my.
ben_6_08-15-2025_103352:Yeah, and the crazy thing is I see it in sports a lot, so if you have a high school athlete, this might be something that you can help them with. like I'm coaching a young man, he recently suffered an injury and there's a small part of him that he is like, I know I'm hurt, but I want to push myself because I don't want my coaches to be disappointed in me. I'm like, dude. not your job. Like your coaches can choose to be disappointed. not in your body. They have no idea how serious your injury is. You have to manage you, he is having a hard time managing this injury because he's also trying to manage what he thinks his coaches might be thinking about him. And this also shows up. In my personal life, like I, my oldest is now 18 has recently become a parenting expert and really just loves to point out all the things that me and my wife are doing wrong in his mind. And half of this stuff is based on like, well, he knows one random person that their parents don't make him do any chores or whatever. And there's this external pressure like, oh man, should I be more lenient? Should I be, is it really that unfair to expect an 18-year-old to unload and load a dishwasher
squadcaster-7140_1_08-15-2025_113356:No.
ben_6_08-15-2025_103352:according to my son? Like, oh my goodness. But the thing is, reason I want to talk about this, one of the most. Foundational core principles that I teach the necessity to define your own identity, we live in a world where it is almost accepted that external forces should tell you, no external forces are going to tell you who you should be, and then it's your job to live up to those expectations. Would you agree with that, Cortni?
squadcaster-7140_1_08-15-2025_113356:Yes.
ben_6_08-15-2025_103352:So one of the reasons I think this is so important as a parent, I coach parents, one of the first things that parents, like the main reason parents come to me is because they're struggling with child. And oftentimes one of my favorite questions to ask is like, okay, so you've told me how you handled that. How do you wish you would've handled that? Usually parents have no idea. They're like, well, I just wish I wouldn't have handled it that way. It's like, oh, so you could have just like tied up your kid, thrown him in the back of the car, driven him out to the ocean and just chucked him in the ocean, and they're like, no, I wouldn't wanna do that. I'm like, what would you like when you only focus on, well, I don't want this. You are not giving your mind anything to focus on that you would actually like. when it comes to parenting, a lot of parents know the type of parent that they don't want to be, is sad because when that's your focus, that's most likely what you'll end up being.
squadcaster-7140_1_08-15-2025_113356:Mm-hmm.
ben_6_08-15-2025_103352:And what we need to do is we need to take the time to define, this is the type of mom that I want to be. Cortni, what type of mom do you wanna be?
squadcaster-7140_1_08-15-2025_113356:I want to be a mom that makes my children, that allows my children to know that they have unconditional love, that they can come to me with anything. and I want to teach my children. Some of those lessons will be hard, and those are the ones I struggle with. Like you were saying, the chores, like there's some things that I wanna instill in my kids and they fight back and I'm like, well, maybe we, we don't have to. Nope. I have to stick with it. So just be true to myself and continue to show up as the parent I want to be.
ben_6_08-15-2025_103352:Let me give you an example of how this. in football. we have a new high school football coach this year and he is very different from the high school coach that we had the previous two years. And so it's been interesting see this transition that the players are going through because coaches are probably as close to polar opposites. As I've ever seen, the previous coach would yell call names, like I had to have talks with my son, other football players. I'm like, just so you know, like if you ever talk to your wife the way that he's talking, probably gonna beat you up or at least leave you you ever talk to a boss that way, you would be fired on the spot. Like he's not like he, that's just who he is and how he coaches. And now we have this other one like. is so respectful. He made a mistake the other day and apologized to the team in front of the whole team, and he is like, that one's on me. I'm like, wow. This is just total different now. of the examples that I saw, we are doing this script where we kind walk through our plays we throw this touchdown and I can see where the coach is coming from. Like when you're doing the script, you kind of want your team to all just. in and celebrate at the end of the script. Like, Hey, we just threw this touchdown. You're kind of creating what you want to happen in a game and letting that be a reality. Well, our whole team just stood on the sidelines and was like, okay, we're done. he turned us other coaches and he is like, what is the matter with these kids? Like, they're not even excited, and I'm like. They weren't allowed to be excited last year. And one of the other coaches was like, like the last coach had a few of his favorite people. They would get all the attention, they could come stand with him, but everyone else had to stay on the sideline and he didn't want to hear what they had to say. And like trying to be the type of players that they think the coach wants. And I know these young men like I'm. Really easygoing and I may be one of the least mature coaches on the coaching staff, like I like to mess around and have fun. I see how the kids are when they're relaxed and they're sitting here trying to be what they think the coach wants. it's kind of this process where. Our new coach has to be like, Hey guys, you can get excited, you can have fun. You can react, you can talk to me and ask questions. it's been interesting as they get to know him, they're kind of still stuck in the same trap. They're like, oh, well coach wants us to be excited, so let's be excited even if we're not really excited. And I feel like, when I played high school football, was like the quiet leader. I didn't go. Pump up the whole team or talk a lot. I just did my job and didn't say much. The power of knowing who you want to be. There's a high school quarterback that I'm working with and he's like, I am not the rah rah, pump'em up guy. I'm the guy that does the work. I do my job and I expect other people to, and if they don't. I call him out and I'm like, awesome, be you. don't have to be who you think your coach wants you to be. Just really be good at being you. So parent, I would give you this simple advice. Take some time, really explore what kind of mom do I want to be. I have this silly 10 word vision statement. I say silly, but I love this thing. I used to have it hung up on my mirror, above my bed all over the place'cause it helped me be the dad that I wanna be. I have one right here and it says, parenting with love. Confidence and curiosity is easy and fun. Knowing who I want to be helps ground me when I'm in a tough, ugly parenting situation. It helps me remember, Hey, I could be more curious here. I could seek to understand like, does my teenager hate to unload the dishwasher so bad? Like, what is it about that? I realized, oh, well, compared to playing video games, the dishwasher must seem super boring. that's why, and it just helps me be a better dad. So, Cortni, experience do you have? Like, did you ever do the 10 word vision statement? I can't remember.
squadcaster-7140_1_08-15-2025_113356:I, I did. I was just looking on my phone to see if I could find it. Upstairs over there. but I will say, I was thinking when you were talking about it, when you try to be somebody other than who you are, when we talk about our book, leadership and Self Deception, when you show up and you're not being authentic, the other person can feel that. So when we show, like show up to our children and they're like, yeah, that's not you, we're not being genuine. They won't respond. Well, like they can still tell. Does that make sense?
ben_6_08-15-2025_103352:Yeah.
squadcaster-7140_1_08-15-2025_113356:I just feel like it's a vicious cycle and then your teenager is not gonna respond how you want them to respond. And I don't know, there is some freedom in being authentically who you are, and allowing others to be who they are.
ben_6_08-15-2025_103352:Yeah, and I would say when parents come to me wanting help with their teens, very often they just want more connection with their teenager. the truth is, if you are not being the parent that you want to be,
squadcaster-7140_1_08-15-2025_113356:Mm-hmm.
ben_6_08-15-2025_103352:out of integrity with who you are. You aren't allowing your teen to connect with you as you are. You're trying to allow your teen to connect with this fake version of you.
squadcaster-7140_1_08-15-2025_113356:Mm-hmm.
ben_6_08-15-2025_103352:want more connection, get better at being who you want to be, and that will inspire your teen to be more of who they want to,
squadcaster-7140_1_08-15-2025_113356:Mm-hmm.
ben_6_08-15-2025_103352:we can just, it is, like Shrek said, we're like onions. This is why I like to have Cortni on my podcast. She just expects me to say something wise and then I. reference Shrek, and she's like, seriously, Ben, but still like, he's like, no, we're like onions. We have layers. You gotta peel back the layers. Parents and teens are the same way, usually parents and teens have so many layers that are not truly who they want to be. Like parents are trying to be the parent that they think their mom wants'em to be, or they're trying to be the parent that they think their neighbors would be like, oh. Those are good parents, they're whatever. like, I see this in church all the time, like in my church, sometimes people will get up and bear testimony and they're like, oh, my children are all so perfect and they're going on missions and they're doing all this stuff, and I know it's because Jesus loves me. And like they're, they're not really connecting with their true child. They're loving their child based on all the layers that they. to be there then when you can start stripping away those layers. my 18-year-old, he is going to college pretty quick. It's actually a pretty good time because like we're to the point where we're like, yeah, we think he could make it. Plus we're not really gonna miss him. Right. Okay. Just joking. We're totally gonna miss him. But there are days where we're like, yeah, you can go, you'll be great. Get out. But some of the best moments of connection. Have been in imperfect parenting moments where the layers were kind of moved out of the way. Like maybe I'm worried and I'm like, Hey, I'm desperate. I need your help. Can you help me with this? Or some of the best ones are when he's desperate and he's like, dad, my car isn't working. And I'm like, oh man, I hate carbs, but let's go see what we can figure out. are natural moments where the layers are peeled away. And if you can get really good at knowing who you want to be without the external factors influencing you, that will help you show up with less layers that act as barriers between you and your teenager. Cortni, know your teen. I've seen you guys interact, and I can tell you some of the time, like. Do you remember the escape room? Do you remember how fun that was?
squadcaster-7140_1_08-15-2025_113356:Do I remember the escape room? Are we playing a rhetorical room here? I.
ben_6_08-15-2025_103352:Remember when we'd kinda get desperate and we're like, we only have so much time left. We gotta figure this out. And we're
squadcaster-7140_1_08-15-2025_113356:Mm-hmm.
ben_6_08-15-2025_103352:working for the common good. Like those are the moments where I feel like. We're all alignment with who we want to be. There's not like an ego or we're not hanging on to, well, you didn't unload the freaking dishwasher. Like we're just in connection.
squadcaster-7140_1_08-15-2025_113356:Mm-hmm.
ben_6_08-15-2025_103352:you are
squadcaster-7140_1_08-15-2025_113356:Yeah.
ben_6_08-15-2025_103352:you wanna be, your teen's being who he wants to be. I feel like we could do more of that as parents, and we could help our teens be comfortable. Doing more of that as teenagers. Any
squadcaster-7140_1_08-15-2025_113356:Mm-hmm.
ben_6_08-15-2025_103352:that?
squadcaster-7140_1_08-15-2025_113356:No, I think that's great. I've. Learned fairly recently to just let my son be him. Like I, of course, I want connection and I want communication. I have lots of questions. I always have lots of questions, but sometimes I just am silent and I let him be silent and I don't probe. And when I am quiet, that's when he will come to me. or when he was visiting his dad, he, after a couple weeks, he called me and we talked for 30 minutes, which is the longest phone conversation I've probably ever had with him. But it's'cause I wasn't calling him and bothering him or texting him every day. I just respected him and how he, the choices that he was making, like, I don't know. I just,
ben_6_08-15-2025_103352:Allowed him to be him.
squadcaster-7140_1_08-15-2025_113356:yes. Yeah.
ben_6_08-15-2025_103352:Yeah, that 30 minute conversation, by the way, is a new world record for
squadcaster-7140_1_08-15-2025_113356:Mm-hmm.
ben_6_08-15-2025_103352:and a 16-year-old, so congratulations. I'm sure.
squadcaster-7140_1_08-15-2025_113356:And sometimes there was silence. Like we didn't even talk the whole 30 minutes. And I'm like, I wanna be like, okay, well I'll talk to you later. But if he was down to stay on the phone, I wasn't gonna hang up. So,
ben_6_08-15-2025_103352:Yeah.
squadcaster-7140_1_08-15-2025_113356:yeah, it was good.
ben_6_08-15-2025_103352:You know, I've been experiencing this a little bit in my own life coaching. Business. Like the other day I was coaching this young man and I literally had the thought, like, so the coach who coached me, her name is Brooke Castillo. she. Kind of the self-coaching model. I wouldn't say that she created it because it's just five words, guys. Our thoughts lead to feelings, to accent, whatever. Anyways, she would always say, you need to use a model in your coaching program. You need to use a model. You need to have an agenda. You need to know where to take your clients. Gotten to the point where I am the opposite. And I ask my teen clients all the time, like, what do you want to work on today? And if they give me something like, oh dude, my girlfriend just dumped me and I injured and I'm not getting the reps that I want, and my life's a mess. And I'm like, awesome. Yeah, let's coach on that. And anyways, I was in this coaching call the other day and this young man. He had to postpone and then I couldn't meet with him and it was like a month between coaching calls and he told me about like the sport he is playing and how he might do drama in high school and all this other stuff. And in the back of my mind I've got Brooke Castillo saying, Ben, you gotta work in a model somewhere. You gotta do some heavy lifting, you gotta do some coaching. And it struck me like. That's not the coach that I want to be. That's not who I am. Like I need to have the connection with this young man.
squadcaster-7140_1_08-15-2025_113356:Mm-hmm.
ben_6_08-15-2025_103352:funny thing is talked to, like if you would've listened to it, you'd have been like, this is a waste of a coaching session. Like it's just two people hanging out and my coaching sessions with teens are usually about 45 minutes. about minute, 35 minute or 35 minutes in, we stumble on this thing and he is like, man. School starts soon, and I'm worried about this and I'm worried about this, we get into this coaching that seriously lasted like two and a half minutes and. I'm just being me. I'm letting him be him. we just have this awesome two and a half minute coaching we get to the end of the coaching call and I always ask like, do you have any questions? And he is like, no, no, I'm all good. And I was like, what's the most beneficial thing that we talked about? He is like, man. talked about this one thing, it was like 15 seconds out of that, two and a half minutes. And I'm like, why was that the most beneficial thing? And he is like, well, was school starting and this and this and this? He is like, that was exactly what I needed to hear. And I always ask, at the end of my sessions with teenagers, I'm like, Hey, on a scale of one to 10, where would you rate today's call? Like one is a complete waste of time. Totally sucked. was, it was awesome. And this kid's like, man, was like a 10. That was the best coaching call we've ever had.
squadcaster-7140_1_08-15-2025_113356:Mm-hmm.
ben_6_08-15-2025_103352:like some other coaches would've been like, oh, Ben, you could have done so much work. when I noticed the voices or the external pressure, like, Ben, you gotta be this way. And I can be aware of that and realize, no, I don't need to listen to the external. Like things I've been told in the past or things that I think someone else might think about me, then I can just really get into, no, this is who I want to be. And man, I felt like, man, this was a really good coaching session. He's right. All we needed was two and a half minutes, and the rest of the time we could talk about rugby, weightlifting, girlfriends like all the weird stuff that we talk about. And I feel like if you as a parent catch yourself in those moments where you're like, oh, my mother-in-law is probably thinking this or my dad, or whatever, get out of that and just really ground yourself in. No. Who do I want to be? How do I want show up in this moment?
squadcaster-7140_1_08-15-2025_113356:Mm-hmm.
ben_6_08-15-2025_103352:sorry Cortni. I talk a lot.
squadcaster-7140_1_08-15-2025_113356:No you don't. No. How great for that, that young man to have you be there just to listen and communicate and like you said, build that connection. Because I'm sure a lot of teenagers don't have an adult like that in their lives where they can just talk and you might not have got to that two and a half minutes if you didn't have that 35 beforehand to like warm him up and get him to open up. That's a blessing for him.
ben_6_08-15-2025_103352:Yeah, so the moral of the story, guys, you don't have to parent the way that you think. Other people want you to parent.
squadcaster-7140_1_08-15-2025_113356:Mm-hmm.
ben_6_08-15-2025_103352:And a lot of this I, in my church specifically, because I am in that church and I understand it, I see a lot of parents that are like, I gotta be more like them. I got to like let go of that. That will make you miserable just
squadcaster-7140_1_08-15-2025_113356:if you do become like that, who's to say your kids are gonna respond the way their kids respond? I feel like it's, it's a crap shoot. Like you could do everything that other parent does and your kid might not have any response.
ben_6_08-15-2025_103352:Yeah.
squadcaster-7140_1_08-15-2025_113356:might not work as well.
ben_6_08-15-2025_103352:Yeah, I was, I visited another recently and the discussion after I, people sometimes brag in my church about like. How awesome their kids are. And man, that must mean that I did something right. And it's like, no. know people that are also awesome and their kids are complete knuckleheads, like whatever. It just is what it is. But the goal, like this is where I feel like I have so much clarity right now and what I do, the goal is for you to know who you want to be. And then strive to be that. And doesn't matter what people around you say like, oh man, your kid should go on a mission, or Your kid should get straight A's, or your kid should play football. That's what I'm guilty of. I see a big kid at Walmart and I'm like, dude, do you play football? They're like, no, stranger danger. But anyways, like if you can do this for you. I promise you, you will also be giving your teenager a gift because when you can start dropping other people's expectations for you and live in integrity with who you want to be, can then start dropping other people's expectations for your teenager and give them a little bit more of a safe space to be who they want to be. And let's face it, guys, teenagers are weird and that's okay. That's part of them figuring out who they want to be. So, okay, Cortni, I feel like this was a really good episode. This is
squadcaster-7140_1_08-15-2025_113356:Yeah,
ben_6_08-15-2025_103352:I needed to hear today.
squadcaster-7140_1_08-15-2025_113356:I know. Yeah, I agree. I think we need to talk about identity. I think that's really important. Like not right now. A future.
ben_6_08-15-2025_103352:Yeah.
squadcaster-7140_1_08-15-2025_113356:When you went through all those, the identity, the, there was like a three part.
ben_6_08-15-2025_103352:Yeah. We, I used to do free trainings on. Defining your role as a parent. We should do that.
squadcaster-7140_1_08-15-2025_113356:Okay, let's brainstorm
ben_6_08-15-2025_103352:Yeah.
squadcaster-7140_1_08-15-2025_113356:To be continued.
ben_6_08-15-2025_103352:Yeah. To be continued. Stay tuned. Something exciting is in the air. I can feel it. Maybe that's just fall football season. I don't know. But guys, come back next week. We'll have another good podcast for you. Thank you for being here.