Why Your Teen’s Confidence Crumbles (and How to Fix It)

In this episode, I break down the difference between false confidence—the kind that’s tied to wins, grades, or outside approval—and foundational confidence—the kind built on preparation, effort, and real experience.

Many teens (and parents) ride the emotional rollercoaster of false confidence. One good play or test score, and they’re on top of the world. One mistake, and it all crashes down. The problem? Mindset and “positive thinking” alone can’t hold up under pressure.

True, lasting confidence comes from stacking bricks—daily actions, preparation, and choices that build a solid foundation over time.

What You’ll Learn:

• The key differences between false and foundational confidence
• Why mindset alone isn’t enough (and what’s missing)
• How athletes can build confidence that won’t crumble under pressure
• Simple ways parents can model and build lasting confidence at home
• How to start “stacking bricks” today—one action at a time

Confidence isn’t luck. It’s built, brick by brick.

Are You Caught in the Parent Trap?

Discover the hidden patterns that are keeping you stuck—and how to break free.

Take this quick (and eye-opening) quiz to uncover which common parenting trap you’re falling into with your teen.
Get a personalized roadmap to help you parent with more clarity, confidence, and connection—starting today.

https://benpughcoaching.com/parenttrapquiz

Transcript

Ben: 0:00

I'm Ben Pugh and you're listening to IMPACT! Parenting with Perspective. This podcast is all about helping parents manage the mental and emotional drama that comes with parenting teens so they can focus on what's most important. Building rock solid relationships and having a powerful impact on their teen's life. Join me each week as I dive into real tools to help you and your teen turn struggles into strengths.

ben_1_10-01-2025_204928: 0:33

Hello guys. Welcome back to the podcast. Thank you for being here. if you have been listening to this podcast. Recently, you know that I'm in the middle of coaching high school football. I love coaching high school football. It is one of my favorite things to do. Also in my personal life coaching practice, I am working with several high-end. Or I guess I don't normally call'em high end like elite high school athletes. They are the type of athletes that are trying to go on to the next level and become college athletes. Recently, one of the athletes that I worked with, like one of his big struggles is, which big major university am I going to pick over the other major universities that want me to come play basketball there? And the reason I share all this with you. I am going to teach you a concept that I have been teaching my teen clients over probably the past. Five months or so, and I taught it a little while. Then I didn't, and I've taught it three times to three clients in a row that are teenagers and every single one of them was like, that was amazing. I love that. Thank you. And I wanted to share it with you because if you are a parent of a teenager, especially if they're a high school athlete. It's helpful to understand what I call false confidence versus foundational confidence. And so today, in today's podcast, again, I apologize that we released it late. That's on me, but hopefully it won't disappoint. Hopefully this is worth the weight because not only is this something that your teenager, especially if they're a teen athlete, not only is this something that they can apply, but you too. Can apply it as apparent. So like I said, today we are talking about false confidence versus foundational confidence, and. The reason I think this is so important, I feel like a lot of teenagers have false confidence. Now, you have probably seen this, I know I see this a lot as a high school football coach. I see it with just teenagers at church or in the community that I associate with. And this is this thing where a teenager is riding high because of. Life is going great. They're on the top of the wheel. with my teen athletes, I see this. When they make a great play, they throw a touchdown, they're doing great, and then the next minute they completely crumble. Because they made a mistake and maybe they thought they were gonna pass a math test and they failed. Now they're like, geez, I probably won't even be able to go to college. That is because their confidence was built on the wrong thing. So today we are going to be talking about the two types of confidence, false confidence versus foundational. Confidence and I will be explaining what I believe most life coaches and most therapists get wrong, and why mindset alone is not enough to build real confidence. So buckle up. That is what we're going to be talking about today. And one more thing, before we dive all the way in. I do wanna let you know as. My high school football season is coming to a close. We have three more football games, and then playoffs like end of October or early November. I'm going to have more after school time, so. Those of you that I'm not working with because maybe you had a free consultation with me and I didn't have any openings after school, I'm gonna have more openings because I won't be coaching high school football once the season's over. So if you are the type of person that would like to get on my waiting list and see if. Me and your teen would be a good fit or I still coach parents. If you're the type of parent that you would like some help with your teen, please feel free. You can go to ben pugh coaching.com/mini, and you can go book a free consultation with me. That way I can get you on my waiting list for the end of football season. And unless you're one of the. Awesome. I don't know homeschool kids that can meet with me during the day. That's always great too. So again, here we are. We're talking about confidence, specifically teen confidence and the difference between. Foundational confidence and false confidence. So first, let's talk about why this is so important. A lot of times teens confidence is built on whatever's going on in the moment in their circumstance. And when life is going great, they're confident When life is not going great, now they lose all confidence, in. High school sports. I see this all the time, where their confidence is based on the current play and what they think it means for the future. Like a quarterback, man, we just scored a touchdown, we're gonna win this game. And now they're confident. Or that false confidence that's taken away when you throw an interception and you're like, geez, now we're gonna lose. And now I have no confidence. So outside of the sports. Sometimes this looks like kids acing a test and thinking, man, I'm gonna be successful. I'm so smart. Or failing a test and thinking, man, I'm just too stupid. I can't do this. maybe their confidence has taken a hit based on a recent relationship that they were in that went south in sports, like oftentimes in basketball. one of my clients, he is like, man, every time I miss a shot, I just lose all confidence. And this was a powerful con or powerful conversation because his confidence was false confidence. And the problem is when teenagers, they're on this emotional rollercoaster and if their confidence is dependent upon things going well and them thinking that, oh man, I'm. Gonna be okay in the future because this is going well in the present moment. That's an emotional rollercoaster that will not give your teen foundational confidence. And our job as parents and coaches is to help our teens be the source of their own. Confidence to start building a powerful foundation when it comes to confidence. So let's take a minute and let's talk about false confidence. This, my definition of false confidence is that this is built on, like if you could imagine like a timeline where the timeline going out to the right, that's the future. Like all the great stuff that comes in the future, the timeline extending to the left, that's going into the past, and like pointing at things that we've done in the past and the little.in the moment. That is the present moment now. False confidence is built on the present moment plus assumptions that we're making about the future. So that present moment, it could be a great play or doing well on a test or whatever is going on that is giving you momentary confidence like, man, I just threw a touchdown. We're gonna win this game now I'm confident. The problem is that this. Shifts your mindset on things that are outside of your control, and then when the outcome shifts or the current. Circumstance shifts, your confidence collapses. And that happens a lot with a lot of teens. Now, one of the metaphors that I use for this is it's like the weather. Sometimes the weather is sunny, sometimes it's stormy. Just yesterday we had to cancel practice or we practice, but we had to end it early because of a frigging lightning storm that something outside of our control Now. When it comes to foundational confidence, this is a little bit different. This is built on past preparation and it is like connecting the dots from the present moment. To the past and it's built on the past preparation and these reps that you've stacked up in sports, this is like time spent in the weight room. Like, man, I just threw an interception, but you know what? It doesn't matter. I know that I'm stronger than I ever have been. I had put more work in. I know the plays better will be okay. These. Past experiences in the weight room, film study, nutrition, sleep effort, whatever. Those are what build foundational confidence. And the nice thing about having foundational confidence is that it. Is not as easily shaken as false confidence. Now, just a minute ago, I compared false confidence to the weather. Sometimes it's sunny, sometimes it's nice, sometimes it's stormy, and it's not nice at all. Foundational confidence. I like to compare it to a house. So imagine that we have this house and we have this weather. The false confidence, that's the weather. Sometimes it's stormy, sometimes it's sunny, sometimes it's cloudy. Whatever foundational confidence is the house that you have built brick by brick. And the principle is this, like, yeah, it might be stormy out, but if you've put in the time to build a house. The storm can come, but the house is not gonna go away. Like you still have what you built. Now, one key principle is that you cannot travel back in time. Like I don't have a time machine. I don't know of anybody who does. You can't travel back in time to build confidence in the past, you can only use that little dot. In the middle of the timeline, the present moment to start building confidence to start adding new bricks. Okay, so one of the most important things to understand about real foundational. Confidence. Like if you knew about a math test for like three weeks and you didn't study and today you have a math test, you can't go back in time three weeks and start studying. It doesn't work that way. But you do still have the present moment. So you can say, man, I didn't study, but you know what? I have five minutes between now and my class. Where I have the math test, I can put in five minutes worth of work. I can start laying bricks Now in football, I had a young man, well, I'm still working with him. He had a serious injury. He, I believe he partially tore his hamstering. I can't remember that dude couldn't lay bricks in the form of playing with his team and getting reps in spring ball and that type of stuff. But his. Laying of bricks and creating that foundational confidence was time spent in the gym healing up his hamstring and realizing, man, I am faster and stronger than I have ever been. So when it comes to foundational confidence, yes, you can't go back in time and do it retroactively, but you can recognize the power of the present moment and know that the present is always. Turning into the past, the president is never turning into the future. It's only turning into the past. And if you don't have the confidence that you want, start laying bricks, start building that foundation brick by brick, by brick. Now, one of the mistakes that I believe a lot of life coaches and a lot of therapists are making is that they are focusing on mindset. Mindset alone is not enough. I know I reme, like I've probably taught this. Wrong in the past, but now that I have the experience that I do, I realize mindset is valuable and it is a powerful piece of this puzzle, but mindset alone cannot replace. A solid foundation, positive thinking without preparation, without laying those bricks is like trying to convince yourself that you studied for a test when you know darn well that you never opened the book. For athletes. When people talk about, no, just think confident. It feels like pretending, and it doesn't last under pressure. It doesn't last when things go south. Now. True confidence is not just how you think, even though that is a super important component. It's also about what you've done to prepare. No amount of thinking about going to the gym all summer long is going to. Amount to anything compared to actually going to the gym all summer long. The funny thing is I went to the gym with the football team almost every single day, and I can tell the difference between the kids who worked out every day. I can see the difference. You look at their legs and they're all thick and knobby and buff. You know that kid put in the work and that helps build. Foundational confidence because you know, here's where our mindset comes in, you know, and you appreciate the work that you've done, but even more than the mindset, your body has real, physical, tangible evidence of the work that you put in. True confidence is not just about how you think, it's also about what you've done to prepare. Okay, so if we were like the example I give you where weather is kind of this false sense of confidence, yeah, it might be sunny, but you didn't do that. It's just luck or, yeah, it's storming, but that doesn't mean you're bad or broken. It's just luck. If false confidence is. The weather. Foundational confidence is the house and mindset. That's just the roof of the house. Yeah, it's part of it. It's a really important part, but you gotta have the key actions that create the tangible. Foundational confidence. So let's talk about how this applies to you as a parent. We've talked about how it applies to your teens, especially if they're teen athletes. For you as a parent. I want you to realize that you can't go back in time and undo past parenting mistakes. I'm sorry, that just isn't a thing. But you can start in the present moment and start laying those foundational bricks. One of the most powerful things I ever did was apologize and say, Hey, look, I am working to be a better dad. I didn't know what I didn't know before. When I would yell and I'd get frustrated and I'd blame you. That was just me doing the best that I knew how to do, and that's not who I want to be, and I'm gonna work on being better, and I'm wondering if you'd be willing to help remind me when I get outta hand. That's a powerful point in the present moment to go ahead and lay a founda foundational brick in a month's time or a week's time, or whenever. I'm gonna have a little bit more confidence because of that experience, because of that effort. Okay, so your teen is working on building this foundation. You can lead by example. And one of the things I want you to remember, you already have a significant foundation. You have a teenager that you've wanted to kill and you haven't yet killed. That is a good starting point. That's confidence that you can stand on. Hey, you know what? The other night I was super tired and I just happened to parent the way that I wanted to. I let my kids stay up and I didn't make a big deal. That is foundational. Confidence that you are building in real time for teens. One of the things I always remind my my football players especially, is stop looking at the scoreboard for confidence. Start asking like, what bricks have I already stacked? What did I do this week to prepare me for this moment? What did I do six months ago to prepare me for this moment? If you can start asking questions like, stop looking for approval from your teen or from your neighbors or your in-laws, or whoever, and start asking yourself, what bricks have I already stacked with my teen? Man, remember all those years of changing diapers, like you've gotta love your teen. You gotta love your baby, who is now a teen to be willing to put in all that work. You have already stacked some bricks. This is where mindset comes in. Take some time to identify those bricks, those foundational pieces that you've already laid, but also take it beyond. The mentality part. Take it beyond the thoughts and the feelings and take it to the next level. What is an action right now? What's something I can do to add a foundational brick to my parenting? To my parenting confidence, even if it's small? So I wanted to share this with you because if you're like me. You have fallen into the trap of false confidence where you're more future focused and you're like weather dependent. Like man, when things are going great, now I'm confident in my parenting. When my teen disobeys all my rules. Now I'm not confident. If you can start building foundational confidence and you can have a little bit of a past focus where you know, hey, this is the work that I've done. This is the preparation that I'm building on. If you can start building foundational confidence, your team will be better at building foundational confidence. And yes, mindset does matter, but without the actions, without the repetitive work of laying foundational bricks, mindset won't hold up. It's like my football players. I don't care what your mindset is. If you haven't spent the summer in the gym, you're not gonna be strong enough to play the whole season. You're not gonna be strong enough or have the body control to do certain things. So yes, mindset's important, but take it beyond that. Start doing real tangible actions. And here's the thing, if your teen is struggling with confidence, it's not because they're broken. They just need help building that foundation and you as their parent, you are perfectly positioned to help them build that foundation. And if you want more help, I'm happy to offer you, offer you a free consultation. You can go to benpughcoaching.com/mini, and you can get on my calendar today. With that, I will talk to you next week. Until next time, I'll talk to you later.