You’re Not in Control of Your Teen (and That’s the Best News Ever)

You’re not in control of your teen—and that’s actually the best news ever.

In this episode, Ben and Cortni dive deep into what happens when parents try to control their teens and why it almost always backfires. Drawing from the book Leadership and Self-Deception, they unpack the idea of “being in the box” and how it shows up in family life.

You’ll hear real stories about morning workouts, teenage excuses, and even tacos—all tied to one powerful truth: you can’t control your teen, but you can control you.

When you stop trying to manage every decision your teen makes and instead focus on your own thoughts, emotions, and actions, something amazing happens. You become a calm, confident leader. You show up as the parent you want to be. And your teen starts to respond differently—because you’re different.

If you’ve ever felt stuck, frustrated, or powerless in your parenting, this episode will help you find freedom in letting go and peace in leading with love and awareness.

🎧 Tune in to learn how to:

• Spot self-deception and get out of “the box”
• Lead your teen without trying to control them
• Build trust and influence through your example
• Bring more peace, connection, and joy into your home

It’s time to stop trying to control your teen—and start becoming the kind of parent they actually want to follow.

Are You Caught in the Parent Trap?

Discover the hidden patterns that are keeping you stuck—and how to break free.

Take this quick (and eye-opening) quiz to uncover which common parenting trap you’re falling into with your teen.
Get a personalized roadmap to help you parent with more clarity, confidence, and connection—starting today.

https://benpughcoaching.com/parenttrapquiz

Transcript

Ben: 0:00

I'm Ben Pugh and you're listening to IMPACT! Parenting with Perspective. This podcast is all about helping parents manage the mental and emotional drama that comes with parenting teens so they can focus on what's most important. Building rock solid relationships and having a powerful impact on their teen's life. Join me each week as I dive into real tools to help you and your teen turn struggles into strengths.

ben_6_10-13-2025_091509: 0:32

Hello everyone. Welcome back to the podcast. Today is a part two. Basically we are talking about leadership and self-deception. the last time you were here, we talked about leadership and self-deception, and I hadn't even started it. I was busy with football and other things. This time I have started it. In fact, I have finished it. Which not to name names, but someone else here has not finished it yet. But,

_1_10-13-2025_101509: 1:01

Hmm.

ben_6_10-13-2025_091509: 1:03

sorry, I just, I, every time I gotta find a way to throw you under the bus somehow.

_1_10-13-2025_101509: 1:08

It is great. It, I, I come back every time.

ben_6_10-13-2025_091509: 1:11

Yep. Courtney has probably read this almost as many times as me, so she'll do Okay. But this time in reading leadership and self-deception, I don't, have you ever heard of the saying like, oh, I don't even know the saying. Recently my wife and I watched a movie or a TV show. It's called Lessons in Chemistry. Have you heard about this?

_1_10-13-2025_101509: 1:35

it sounds familiar, but I. Yeah, I'm not sure.

ben_6_10-13-2025_091509: 1:38

It is on Apple. It's got Brie Larson. Anyways, one of the characters always reads the same book. It is by Charles Dickens. It is. How did this just leave my mind? This is what happens guys, when you don't prepare for anything, you're just like, no, just follow my gut. It's not. A Christmas Carol. I just got it on Audible. I'm gonna listen to it. It is.

_1_10-13-2025_101509: 2:09

Oliver Twist,

ben_6_10-13-2025_091509: 2:10

No, not that one. Keep coming up with,

_1_10-13-2025_101509: 2:14

great expectations.

ben_6_10-13-2025_091509: 2:16

Yes, that one. So anyways, there's a point where Bri Larson's character is like giving him a hard time. Like you listen to the same book over and over, like that's crazy. And he is like, yeah, but the book isn't the same every time. And she's like, the book doesn't change. He's like, exactly. You do.

_1_10-13-2025_101509: 2:38

Hmm.

ben_6_10-13-2025_091509: 2:39

I have listened to leadership and self-deception at least once a year, probably since 2017, somewhere in there, man. So we're going on eight years and it's amazing how you can listen to the same book and still get new principles. And this time around, I don't know if it's because of where I am with like football coaching or. My relationships in my life, but I heard things a little bit differently this time. And so if you are the type of person that loves a good book that you can read over and over and pull new principles out as you grow leadership and self-deception is that kind of book and this time around. I focus quite a bit on what it means to be in the box and how to get out of the box because last week that's what we talked about a lot and I feel like this time around just some new insights came to me about being in the box and how to get outta the box. So Courtney, are you ready to do a deep dive into leadership and self-deception?

_1_10-13-2025_101509: 3:58

I am always ready, but I have to say, I really like that what you just said, like, yeah, the book doesn't change. You change, and you're right. Every time you listen to it, it's something else you're like, man, that really resonates. Yeah. Good job. I like that.

ben_6_10-13-2025_091509: 4:13

Oh, thank you. Yeah. My goal here is to impress you because I know if I impress you, someone else listening will also be impressed. so this time or so I remember in the past having an issue with. Kind of the way leadership and self-deception talks about being in the box. And they talk about how when you're in the box you are more, you focused rather than focused on others. Now the problem with this is in my teachings. I teach you to focus on you and the things within yourself that you can control. So we have leadership and self-deception saying, Hey, if you are focused on you, you're in the box. You're selfish, you're not. You need to focus more on other people. And in my program I'm like, all these other people you're focusing on, they're outside of your control. Quit focusing on them and bring your focus inward to be who you want to be.

_1_10-13-2025_101509: 5:15

I, sorry. I feel like it could be two different things. because that's one of the things I wrote down was when you're in the box, you're focused on yourself and you're not focused on results. think it's. you're focused on justifying the stories that you've told yourself, because when you're in the box, you're self betraying. but yeah, I think that's what I was talking about. That's how I interpreted it. as that you're focused on trying to find ways to justify how you're feeling, not so much focused on controlling what you can control. Does that make sense?

ben_6_10-13-2025_091509: 5:51

Yeah. Yeah, and I think you're spot on. I think when you're in the box, you are trying to justify how you're feeling

_1_10-13-2025_101509: 5:59

Mm-hmm.

ben_6_10-13-2025_091509: 5:59

how you're behaving now, and not even just how you're behaving. Well, so I, one of my thoughts in listening to this this last time, which by the way guys, I don't take notes on books because usually I'm listening to the book via Audible while I'm driving somewhere with my wife. And my only way of taking notes is to say, Hey Deb, this point's really cool, and we talk it out. But right now. I am coaching high school football. I also have a teenager in my own home who wants to be an elite high school athlete. Now, one pattern that I've noticed is my own teenager, plus some of the athletes that I work with as a high school coach, being in the box or being in self-deception, but not. In a relationship like leadership and self-deception talks about like with another person or a coach or like any of that, but being in self-deception and justifying your behavior, even if that behavior is not in line with who you want to be.

_1_10-13-2025_101509: 7:16

Mm-hmm.

ben_6_10-13-2025_091509: 7:17

I'll give you an example. I have been lifting weights recently, which. It's really pissed some people off because I also open a church gym for a bunch of dudes to go play basketball and I'm like, guys, I don't wanna play basketball anymore. I want to get back into weightlifting. I want to be buff and huge. And they're like, bro, we need someone to open the anyways. Who cares about all that? I have been lifting weights and I try and invite. My teenager to come with me. He came with me this morning because I changed my invitation. Rather than saying, Hey, are you going to waits with me? I said, Hey, you are going to waits with me. Just changed the order of words. And he just said, okay. And came to waits with me.

_1_10-13-2025_101509: 8:03

Hmm.

ben_6_10-13-2025_091509: 8:03

But the thing is, a couple weeks ago we had decided at night we're going to weights in the morning and I wake up at five 30 in the morning to. Drag myself outta bed. Get ready to go to weights and I notice I have a text that I received at 5 25 in the morning. It was like, dad, I'm not going to weights today. My throat hurts, which is making my left knee sore and like just stupid excuses. He's in self-deception.

_1_10-13-2025_101509: 8:38

Yeah.

ben_6_10-13-2025_091509: 8:39

He is subconsciously tricking himself and justifying the desired behavior in the moment, which is out of alignment with who he wants to be when he is not tired. And to be honest with you, like nobody wants to go lift weights at five 30 in the morning.

_1_10-13-2025_101509: 9:01

Mm-hmm. Nope.

ben_6_10-13-2025_091509: 9:02

Like I get out of bed, that is the last thing I want to do, and I see multiple traps where I can get into self-deception and be like, oh, well he isn't going. If he can sleep in, I can sleep in. Or Yeah, you know what? My low back is a little tight. I should just stay in bed. The problem is anytime you justify. Behavior that is out of alignment with the behavior of who you want to be, and this is how it applies to parenting. When we work together as like a life coach and a parent, I always try and help people. Identify who do you want to be? What is your ideal version of yourself as a parent? Because when you can know who you want to be, it becomes really easy to spot all the times when you are not being who you want to be. And so this concept of self-deception and being in the box, not only does it apply to your relationship with your teenager, with your spouse, with your. Boss with your mother-in-law, it can apply to some of your goals. Like are you working on getting outta debt and yet justifying unnecessary purchases? Are you working on getting healthier and yet justifying eating a ton of junk food? Oh my goodness. My sister got married on Friday. Oh, talk about self-deception and tacos. Who knew this was the thing? I ate 10 street tacos.

_1_10-13-2025_101509: 10:39

Oh boy. Well, good thing you burned that off this morning. Lifting weights. I.

ben_6_10-13-2025_091509: 10:42

That is true, but oh my goodness, I felt it through the whole weekend. And that's the thing with self-deception. When you are paying the price for being in the box, you feel it. And it sucks. Let's get back to the original point. I don't know how I keep track of these things in my mind, but remember the original point where I like take issue with how they describe being in the box.

_1_10-13-2025_101509: 11:09

right. That's right. Mm-hmm.

ben_6_10-13-2025_091509: 11:10

Yeah. Here's the thing that I've come up with, and Courtney, I think you're spot on. There's multiple ways to look at this. self-deception is when you choose to be or behave or do something that is out of integrity with who you want to be. And for me, the reason why bringing the focus inward is so important is so that you can know this is who I want to be. These are the excuses that I'm making or the self-deception that I'm getting into. And once you can see that, once you have awareness around that, you now have the power to choose, this is who I'm going to be in this moment, and to then behave that way. And there is a balance for me. It starts with internal investigation, right? Be more aware of what's going on on the inside, how you think, how you feel, what are these patterns driving your behavior in leadership and self-deception. They talk about more of an external focus, like looking at the other person and seeing them

_1_10-13-2025_101509: 12:24

Has

ben_6_10-13-2025_091509: 12:25

a fellow. Well, yeah. Yeah. That's

_1_10-13-2025_101509: 12:28

Okay.

ben_6_10-13-2025_091509: 12:28

self-deception. Getting out of the boxes, seeing them as a human.

_1_10-13-2025_101509: 12:33

Correct. I got.

ben_6_10-13-2025_091509: 12:34

the thing that I've come up with. Once you have awareness, like I don't think that you can unsee any of this, like once you learn it and you have awareness, you can spot yourself seeing someone else as either the problem or as a fellow human being. You can see yourself getting into self-deception by seeing yourself as this, like they talk about how you like inflate your qualities. And inflate someone else's shortcomings. Once you have awareness, you now have the power to choose. Am I going to continue to look at them through this lens? Am I gonna continue to look at myself through this lens? Or am I going to be more honest about their humanity and my own humanity? Does any of this even make sense?

_1_10-13-2025_101509: 13:27

Absolutely. It's like I'm listening to the book all over again.

ben_6_10-13-2025_091509: 13:30

Sometimes I feel like I get into the weeds too much. So here's the thing that I think is most important to remember. lately I have had multiple parents reach out to me wanting me to work with their teenager. Typically, they want me to work with their teenage sons, and recently I've had to have the conversation of, hey. Your teenager doesn't actually want to work with me. Your teenager doesn't actually want to change, but I can help you. And that is a really tough conversation to have because most of the time people are coming looking. It's like the bait and switch. Like, oh, you wanna help with your teen psych? You're the one who needs help. Get over here. That's not the goal. The goal is to help you. Make the most of the money that you're spending. The goal is look, if you're gonna work with anyone, you can control how you put in the work. You can't control how your team puts in the work. I can tell as an expert, I've worked with so many teams, I'm pretty good. If I sense that the team doesn't want anything to do with me, trust me, I'm onto something. Put the money. Somewhere where you can control. But if I were to invite you, the listener to do anything, go listen to leadership and self-deception, especially if you think your teenager is the problem.

_1_10-13-2025_101509: 15:11

For sure.

ben_6_10-13-2025_091509: 15:13

And I don't wanna minimize your teenager being the problem. Like if your teen is anything like mine, they are a problem. They're a serious problem, and they are in self-deception. They're not going to lift weights at five 30 in the morning because they have excuses and they're not being the teenager that they want to be. But that's not your problem. The most impactful thing that you could do to help your teenager with their problem is to lead by example and help yourself through your problem.

_1_10-13-2025_101509: 15:49

Yeah, if you change and you're different and you interact with your teenager differently, will have no choice but to behave differently. I mean, it might take a while. It might not be exactly what you want to see, but it will change. I speak from experience and I promise like there is so much value in doing this self work and seeing how it impacts everybody else in your life.

ben_6_10-13-2025_091509: 16:16

Yeah. Are you a scientist at all?

_1_10-13-2025_101509: 16:21

Mm-hmm.

ben_6_10-13-2025_091509: 16:23

me neither. But after watching Lessons in Chemistry, by the way, guys, that is a fantastic TV show. It's just one season. Eight episodes. I think episode just, I loved it. the thing I like about that show, like she talks, she's like doing these experiments, like testing out ways that food reacts to other things. The interesting thing is that. Some of the experiments that she would talking about, like if you change external factors or variables, it changes the whole experiment. And not that your teenager is an experiment, but let's be honest, like none of us really know what we're doing as parents. We're just doing our best. You are one of the biggest factors, one of the biggest variables in the experiment. That is your teenager. And if you want to have a positive impact on that experiment, start positively changing the factor that is you. So today I'm thinking this will probably be pretty short. Courtney, anything else you want to add just in case someone isn't yet sold on leadership and self-deception?

_1_10-13-2025_101509: 17:45

Yeah, so I don't know if you've already mentioned it, but leadership and self, self-deception is not one of your typical self-help books. It, it presents itself as a story. So it is like reading a book, I think you like to call it an algo or what, what is, what do you like to call it?

ben_6_10-13-2025_091509: 18:03

Yeah. Something like that. Yeah. It is like an allegory.

_1_10-13-2025_101509: 18:09

A, yeah,

ben_6_10-13-2025_091509: 18:10

Yeah.

_1_10-13-2025_101509: 18:11

I was close. but it is amazing. and one thing that I heard recently from the book that I took note on, they were talking about how to get out of the box and he's like, if you even question it, like you're out of the box, like you, you want to make things different. and he said. You were out of the box towards Laura, his wife, because you questioned your own virtue. when you are willing to look at yourself and question your own virtue, then you start to see everybody else as you know, and you're not on your high horse, I guess. yeah, I just encourage anyone to read it. It's an

ben_6_10-13-2025_091509: 18:56

Yeah.

_1_10-13-2025_101509: 18:56

It really is.

ben_6_10-13-2025_091509: 18:58

Yeah. I love that. And the truth is. We all get in the box from time to time. Like that's one of the things I enjoyed about the box. Like in the box you have multiple characters teaching the concept of being in the box and self-deception. And they're like characters that in the main character's world, like these are people that are in a position of leadership and authority over him. So they have like this worker who's the boss in this company over multiple people, and yet his bosses are teaching him about this. They're talking about real issues that they have with this. So to reinforce that, like Courtney and I still struggle with being in the box and what Courtney was talking about that part in the book where he talks about the question of how do you get out of the box. Well, the good news is if you want out of the box, you're already out of the box. Now the new question is how do I stay out of the box? And that's the work, that's the practice. That's why I have been listening to this audiobook every year, sometimes multiple times a year to help me have better awareness. And I really think it goes really. And deep into like the woo and the spiritual side of things, if you have an awareness of what is going on inside of you, that awareness gives you the power of intention. Or in other words, it gives you the power to choose. If you have no awareness, you have no choice. You're just going to continue reacting day after day after day, and you won't. Change or improve until you think, man, something's going on that I'm not happy with. What is it? And as you gain that awareness, then you gain the power to choose and be different. I just share this book Leadership and Self-Deception because I haven't found another book that does this as effectively, that helps make you aware that hey. I might be responsible for a lot of my own problems, which by the way, is the best news ever because if your teenager is responsible for how you feel, you're in trouble.

_1_10-13-2025_101509: 21:35

Right.

ben_6_10-13-2025_091509: 21:36

Courtney's over here grinning, like what went through your mind?

_1_10-13-2025_101509: 21:39

You are like, that's the best news ever. Like if Yeah, no, that's very true.

ben_6_10-13-2025_091509: 21:46

If you are responsible, that's the best news ever. If your team is responsible, you're in trouble. Buckle up because they're gonna make some dumb decisions. They're going to keep being the same, they're being, and you are going to suffer. But when you realize, oh no, I am responsible for me and in my courses, and if you ever work with me, some of the things that I teach right off the bat. What are the things within your control? What are the things outside of your control? Let go of all the things outside of your control. That's why the leadership and self-deception thing, it just teaches the same thing through a different lens where they're like, yeah, you gotta look at the other people. Stop focusing on yourself. I'm like, stop looking at the other people. You can't control'em. Bring that focus inward. Who you want to be. Only control the controllables. That's what I do in football. When my players are crying about bad calls from the ref, which sometimes I'm a bad example and I do the same thing, but I always tell'em the same thing. Look, we can't control the refs. Right now, what can we control? Let's get back to the basics. Let's reground ourselves. What can we control? And a couple, we have our last game this week. It's a little bit sad just for the freshmen. I'll still be helping with varsity for probably two to three more weeks, but. At one point, one of my teenagers were complaining about a bad call. Part of my job as a coach is to get after the ref hard enough and he feels bad and he makes better choices in the future. That's part of my,

_1_10-13-2025_101509: 23:27

Hmm.

ben_6_10-13-2025_091509: 23:27

yeah. Anyways, I get back in the huddle and one of the players is crying and complaining. He's like, the ref didn't even call that, and I'm like, dude. Don't even worry about that. I've already talked to the ref what is within our control now, and the very same player that was crying, he's like, let's go on two. Let's change the count. I guarantee you they'll jump off sides. I'm like. Is that something we can control? Whether or not we go on two? Everyone's like, yeah, yeah, we can control that. Can we control whether or not they jump? No, but we can hold still and we go out there, we run it on two. Sure enough, the guy comes across the line, gives us an easy five yards. Like that's the power. Of focusing on what you can control and leadership and self-deception, in my opinion, helps me better do that. And by the way, I have recommended this at this point to probably hundreds of parents. I have only heard good things from parents who have come back and said, Hey, that book changed everything. No one's come back to me and said, Ben, that book sucked. It didn't even help me. So just saying, not that anybody be brave enough to do that, but

_1_10-13-2025_101509: 24:44

You never know, to take a little Ben Pugh detour. you were talking about you, you, the respons responsibility being yours, and it reminded me of something I heard a while ago that I love. you know, something might not be your fault. a situation might not be your fault, but it's your responsibility

ben_6_10-13-2025_091509: 25:03

I.

_1_10-13-2025_101509: 25:04

to do what you have to do for yourself to make it right,

ben_6_10-13-2025_091509: 25:08

Yeah.

_1_10-13-2025_101509: 25:08

if it's not your fault. Does that make sense?

ben_6_10-13-2025_091509: 25:11

Yeah. I think that might have been Mel Robbins.

_1_10-13-2025_101509: 25:14

I heard it from Will Smith,

ben_6_10-13-2025_091509: 25:16

Oh.

_1_10-13-2025_101509: 25:17

he could have been repeating it from someone else, but it doesn't have to be your fault, but it's your responsibility'cause you're not gonna stay in that place of woe is me. Like they did it. They have to fix it. Well. If you're waiting for someone else to fix your problem, even if it's their fault, you could be waiting forever. Just put your big girl or boy pants on and fix it

ben_6_10-13-2025_091509: 25:39

Yeah.

_1_10-13-2025_101509: 25:40

not your fault.

ben_6_10-13-2025_091509: 25:42

Yeah. Beautifully said. And I understand the concept of fault, and lemme just tell you that leads to a trap. Don't fall into the trap of blame if you can get out of the trap of blaming other people like. I look at the car accident example, like if you get hit in a car accident and it is not your fault, awesome, but it still does no good to blame the other person whose fault it is. You just go do what's within your power. Like, oh, well I better turn this into the insurance. I better go get my car fixed. I better do, like, you're not gonna wait for the person who's at fault or the person who's responsible to be like, oh, hey, lemme come pick up your car and take it. And that's never gonna happen. You just have to do what you own and let them do what they own. And we live in a world where some people don't have insurance and then you're just, it's a big mess. That's why it's so important too. Focus on you, be the change you want to see.

_1_10-13-2025_101509: 26:45

Mm-hmm.

ben_6_10-13-2025_091509: 26:46

Courtney, anything else?

_1_10-13-2025_101509: 26:48

Nope. That's it.

ben_6_10-13-2025_091509: 26:51

Okay. Well thank you for being here. I will have another podcast after this one without Courtney, but with another friend who wrote a book, and we'll be talking about his book next week. You don't have to read all the books that I recommend, guys, just.

_1_10-13-2025_101509: 27:09

Leadership and self deception.

ben_6_10-13-2025_091509: 27:11

Leadership and self-deception, or next week, I'll just tell you to read that book. But you don't have to read'em all. There's not gonna be a book report. There's no test at the end of this. Just do whatever you need to do to be the best parent you can be. All right, Courtney, thank you for being here. You're awesome.

_1_10-13-2025_101509: 27:30

Ditto.

ben_6_10-13-2025_091509: 27:31

Well, thank you and all of you guys listening, thank you for being here and come back next week.