How to Motivate Your Teen Without Pushing Them

Ever tried to push your teen to change… only to have them push right back? You’re not alone.

In this episode, Ben breaks down why trying to force your teen to change almost always backfires—and what to do instead. You’ll learn how to stop pushing, start leading, and model the kind of growth you actually want to see in your teen.

Ben shares real-life examples (including a story about a stubborn horse) to help you see how pressure creates resistance, and how leadership creates inspiration.

If your teen doesn’t want coaching—or doesn’t think they need to change—this episode will show you how you can be the catalyst for transformation in your home.

Are You Caught in the Parent Trap?

Discover the hidden patterns that are keeping you stuck—and how to break free.

Take this quick (and eye-opening) quiz to uncover which common parenting trap you’re falling into with your teen.
Get a personalized roadmap to help you parent with more clarity, confidence, and connection—starting today.

https://benpughcoaching.com/parenttrapquiz

Transcript

Ben: 0:00

I'm Ben Pugh and you're listening to IMPACT! Parenting with Perspective. This podcast is all about helping parents manage the mental and emotional drama that comes with parenting teens so they can focus on what's most important. Building rock solid relationships and having a powerful impact on their teen's life. Join me each week as I dive into real tools to help you and your teen turn struggles into strengths.

ben_1_11-12-2025_135150: 0:32

All right. Welcome back to the podcast. Thank you for being here. I apologize Cortni isn't here with me today. Sometimes between my schedule and her schedule, we have a hard time finding a time where we can both meet and record a podcast. So this week you get me, but. I, I do have to say a lot of people have been asking me, who is Cortni? Who is this lady? And I jokingly say she is one of my former hardest clients. And I say that jokingly, and I should tell you all this when she's here to defend herself. But if you are one of the many, who's wondering, who is Cortni? No, she is not my sister. And she is just one of my all time favorite clients. honestly, at one point she was a difficult client until she was like, fine, I will listen to what you're asking me. I will try doing what? You've brought up and so anyways, I love Cortni. I have seen the progress that she has made as a parent. She is a phenomenal mother and she has been with me for a very long time. She knows what I teach inside and out. And she helps hold me accountable. So if you're one of the many who's been wondering, who is Cortni? That's who Cortni is. And if I said all those nice things about her while she was here, she'd gotten embarrassed. And so I had to do it while she's not here. But she should be back next week. And today we are going to talk about a topic that has been. Brought more and more to my attention recently, but it's also a really good topic, and this is the topic of parents trying to push their teenagers to change. And today I'm going to teach you how to stop pushing your teen and how to start leading. In a way that will inspire your teen to change. And the reason I do this is because recently I have had a lot of parents reach out to me to work with their teenager and I do free consultations. That way I can kind of figure out, am I a good coach for you? Are you or your teen a good fit for my program? And. Recently I've had a bunch of free consultations where the teen didn't want anything to do with my coaching, and the parent was a little surprised when I turned it on them and I was like, Hey, your teen doesn't want anything to do with me. I would like to help you. And they were a little surprised and worried that maybe I was trying to tell them that they're a terrible parent or. That they have all the problems and they're the ones who need to change. And that is not my intention. My intention is to help you or your teen to the best of my ability and to do that without wasting your money. And if I don't feel like your teen will respond well to coaching, I don't want you to pay me a bunch of money to work with your teen when you could. Spend that money on you and start creating change. So as we dive into this, I want you to just explore, has there ever been a time where you wanted to change your teen and you wanted to change'em so badly that you try and push them into change? Only for them to push back So. There is something that you can do about this, and this podcast is for you. If you've been hoping that you could get your teen to change, if you could just get'em to work with me or a another life coach, this podcast is for you. If you've been hoping that I could motivate your teen, I could get them to do better in school, but they don't actually want. Coaching. And so this will kinda help put things into context because if you're anything like me, you've probably noticed that in trying to force your teen into something that usually creates more resistance and not more change. So I want to give you some background on kinda why this makes sense for me. a lot of you already know that I grew up on a farm. I was raised milking cows, raising horses. I used to train horses back in the day, and growing up on a farm taught me a lot of lessons, and I remember this. A specific afternoon, I was going out on a horse ride. I used, I loved my horse. She was so awesome. Her name was Sky. She was a buck skin. She was beautiful. And one day I think I was putting her saddle on or something, and I was trying to get her to just scoot over to the side just like one step. And so I pushed kind of on her hip. Pushing away, trying to get her to move. And if you know anything about horses, if you push a horse, they're herd animals. They're used to getting pushed by other big animals, and they will lean into that pressure. And so I'm pushing my horse. She leaned into me because that's just what they naturally do. They lean into. Pressure. So I pushed harder and she leaned harder and she had to like reposition her feet. Anyways, she stepped on my foot and it hurt, and to me trying to push her, she just leaned harder into the pressure in the opposite direction that I wanted her to move in, which meant she was leaning harder and harder on my foot. Now the thing is. This concept is very similar to parents and they're teenagers. Teens are just like horses. They're big, powerful, they're independent, and they are wired to resist pressure. That is part of being a teenager. And so when you push your teen to change, they're gonna lean into your pressure and they're gonna push back, and they're probably going to step on your emotional toes. Which is not going to feel great. And the more you push your teen, in my experience, the less progress you make. So let's talk about what not to do and forcing change. These are some common patterns that I see all the time. Parents want their teen to get coaching so that the teen will do better in school so that they'll be more motivated and they'll stop being as anxious, or maybe they'll do better in sports, whatever it is. Oftentimes, the parent wants their teen to get coaching, but the teen is not really into coaching and oftentimes. It isn't necessarily that the teen doesn't want to change, but they might not believe that they need to change. They might not see a problem, and then what happens often is that the parent gets frustrated and tries harder and they try more and more coaches, and that just builds more and more resistance in your teen. A lot of the teams that I coach, their parents are actually life coaches. And I actually have to teach, like it is really handy for me that so much of what I teach is outside of the realm of normal coaching. I am a life coach, school certified coach, and I can't use a lot of the life coach cer the life coach school. Tools because I coach a lot of teens that their parents have tried to force'em to change using those tools and those teens are now resistant to them. So this is a common pattern that I see all the time, and it's okay, we can work past this. I don't feel like all hope is lost. If this has been you and you've been trying to force your teen to change through coaching. The thing to keep in mind is that you just, you can't push your teen into change, and this is more accepted and more talked about when it comes to a spouse or an a mother-in-law, or father-in-law, or a friend, or. A neighbor like, yeah, we all know that you can't change them. This gets cloudy when it comes to teenagers because parents are like, yeah, but I'm the parent. I'm in charge. They should do what I tell them they should do. And the truth is. It just doesn't work that way. You can't force your teen to change. You can't argue them into motivation, and you can't guilt them into growth. All of those are actually control tactics and those are leading you into. What I call the controlling parent trip. So rather than trying to force change, here's what I recommend that you do instead, and that is lead by example. If you can't push your teen into change, that's okay. That's actually a good thing. That means your teen wants to think for themselves. You have to realize that the alternative is to lead them into change. And this is not widely accepted, like today's culture. You look at our politics, you look at sports, you look at the world that we live in, we are pushy. We try and push people into change. We try and manipulate change, but it's far more impactful. If you can lead your teen into change, and true leadership is managing, wait, I just said that totally backwards. I'm reading my notes. I got ahead of myself. True Leadership is modeling. It's not managing your teen's behavior for them. True leadership is like, Hey, I want you to change. I'm going to be the change I want to see. So I want you to explore how can I be the change that I want to see in my teen? If you've been listening to my podcast, you know, this is one of my biggest things. We can't control our teens. You are probably here listening to this podcast because you're finding out that you cannot. Control your teen. But if you can identify the change that you want to see in your teen, and if you can ask yourself, how can I be the change that I want to see? That is empowering and that will help you create change through your own leadership. One of the things that I say all the time. Your teen is not listening to you. I'm sorry. They're just not, but they are watching everything you do. So if you can lead by example, your teen will watch that. So here are some examples of being the change that you want to see. I hear this all the time. Parents are like, I just wish my teen wouldn't lose their crap. I wish they'd be more calm. Well ask yourself, how can I show calmness when my teen is upset? A lot of times parents want their teens to take more responsibility and be more accountable and more responsible. Ask yourself, how can I model accountability when I make mistakes? Maybe you want your teen to manage their anxiety better. Show your teen how you manage yours. When you model the change that you want to see, you teach your teen through your behavior rather than through a lecture and teens Notice. Teens want an authentic parent who's not perfect, who is willing to do their own work. They don't want a parent who's just there to tell'em what they should do and how to do it the right way. So when your teen doesn't want coaching, that is a strong indicator that you are the one that. He's going to be the catalyst for change, that you are the one to get into coaching and start creating the change that you want to see. Like I said, lately, I've had a bunch of parents bring their teens to me on a free consult That's where you gonna come talk to me. You get a free coaching session where I get to meet you and you get to meet me, and we get to decide like, are we gonna be a good fit to work together well on these free calls? If your teen doesn't. Even show up, that's a pretty good indicator that they won't benefit from coaching. If your teen is very reluctant to talk to me on that coaching call, that's a good indicator that they're not a good recipient for coaching. I'm fine to have these free consultations, like, yes, feel free to bring your teen, because a lot of times they are a good fit and I can get mom or dad outta the room and they can tell me like everything that's going on and I dig in and they actually want help and that's perfect. But these times where your teen doesn't want help, don't be surprised if I turn to you and I say, Hey. Let's cut this teen loose and let's you and I talk, and then I talked to you about the principles that I was going to teach your teen. I can teach those to you and you can start leading by example and start creating change. And so instead of forcing it on the teen, you can. Take it upon yourself. And one of the things that I've seen when the parent changes, the teen almost always comes around and is willing to work with me in the future. I've seen this over and over again. A parent comes to me and they're like, Hey, fix my teen and I meet with a teen and the teen wants nothing to do with me. And then I talk to the parent, and usually I start seeing glimpses and I start to realize sometimes it's the mom. Usually it's the mom who's the catalyst. If I can help that mom. The teen will change, the husband will change. Things will just start coming together. Sometimes it's the dad that's the catalyst. But the point is, if your teen doesn't want coaching and I offer coaching to you, it's because I see something in you. You have the power to change. You have the power to be the catalyst that. Sparks change in the people around you. And I've seen this over and over. Teens resist the pressure to get coaching and to change. But when the parents start creating change, the teen responds to that example. So if you schedule a free coaching call with me, which you totally should, I have some openings now, the football season is done, I would love to fill those openings and I would love to work with you. If you show up on a free consult call and your teen is less than enthusiastic, if I instead offer you coaching, it's not because you're a bad parent. It's not because you're doing anything wrong. It's simply because you can't control your teen, and I want you to make the investment in something that you can control, which is you. The lesson I want you to just really latch onto change starts with you. Oftentimes when parents want their teens to change, I get it. I wish my teens would change. We all fall into that trap, but a lot of the times, parents forget how hard it is to change. And when you do the work and start creating change, you realize, wow, no wonder my teen struggles. It is hard to manage your mind. It is hard to be emotionally intentional. This experience will create compassion between you and your teen. And this is going to create connection. And the more connected you are to your teen, the more influence you have on your teen's life. And I promise you, when you stop trying to control your teen and start being the change, you'll model the behavior that you wanna see. And that's when the real transformation happens. So I wanna leave you with this football season is over. It is now a high school basketball season, and my son is on the high school basketball team. So I do have more openings than I did during football season because I don't have to go to practice every night. But there are certain nights where I can't make it work due to basketball games. So here's what I would recommend. If you want to work with me, great. Set up a free consultation. You can go to ben pugh coaching.com/mini, and you and I can hop on a free coaching call. I'll help you like, we'll come up with some real solutions on that free call, and if you want to keep working with me, great. If you want me to work with your teen. Awesome. Even if they're reluctant, go ahead, bring'em on the call. There's a good chance I can get them to be interested in coaching. I am really, really good at what I do, even if your teen's a little reluctant. If they're interested, we can make that work. But if your teen is very resistant, don't be surprised if I'm like, Hey, let's you and I finish out this call. Let's talk about ways that I can help you and let's let your teen go. That helps me build trust with your teen, your teen realizes, oh, okay, this dude isn't just here to get on my parents' side and try and change me. But the more powerful thing is when I can work with you and your teen is like, dang. Mom is different lately. Dad is way less angry. He's handling stuff better lately. That is when your teen is very likely to decide, you know what, I can work with that guy too. So if you are looking to create change in your life or your teen's life, please go ahead. Book a free consultation@benpughcoaching.com/mini and I am. I don't know of any other coaches that coach parents and teens. Usually coaches just do one or the other. I have several families where. I first worked with the parents and then I worked with the teens and things just started to change in their family and things got better. If you are looking for answers in your home, please reach out to me. BenPughcoaching.com/mini. And if you don't have time for a free coaching call, I get it. That's awesome. But if this podcast or any other podcast has helped you go, leave me a review on iTunes, I haven't had one for a while. if you look at iTunes, I think I have like. Maybe all five stars. Oh, I have 106 ratings, all five stars, but looks like I got one four star. That's okay. If this podcast has been beneficial and maybe you don't have time to go hop on a free consultation, that's okay. Go leave me a review on iTunes or wherever you listen to podcasts. That helps me help more parents just like you. All right guys. With that, I'm gonna let you go. And Cortni should be back next week and we'll have more good stuff to offer you. I'll talk to you soon.