IMPACT: Parenting with Perspective
IMPACT: Parenting with Perspective
Feeling Exhausted? Here's How to Feel Better Fast
Parenting a teen can feel draining.
You might feel tired, frustrated, or stuck in stress mode.
If that’s you, this episode is here to help.
In this conversation, Ben and Cortni talk about why parenting feels so exhausting and how to start feeling better fast. The problem usually isn’t your teen. It’s where your energy and focus are going.
You’ll learn simple shifts that can bring quick relief, including:
- How to stop stressing over things you can’t control
- Why trying to fix or change your teen wears you out
- How to manage your emotions instead of fighting them
- When to give responsibility back to your teen
These small changes can help you feel calmer, more confident, and less overwhelmed—starting today.
If you’re ready to stop feeling so tired and start enjoying parenting again, this episode is for you.
🎧 Press play and take a breath—you don’t have to do this alone.
Are You Caught in the Parent Trap?
Discover the hidden patterns that are keeping you stuck—and how to break free.
Take this quick (and eye-opening) quiz to uncover which common parenting trap you’re falling into with your teen.
Get a personalized roadmap to help you parent with more clarity, confidence, and connection—starting today.
https://benpughcoaching.com/parenttrapquiz
I'm Ben Pugh and you're listening to IMPACT! Parenting with Perspective. This podcast is all about helping parents manage the mental and emotional drama that comes with parenting teens so they can focus on what's most important. Building rock solid relationships and having a powerful impact on their teen's life. Join me each week as I dive into real tools to help you and your teen turn struggles into strengths.
ben_5_01-09-2026_111934:Hello party people. Welcome back to the podcast. Today we are talking about why you might feel exhausted when it comes to. And before I steal any of Cortni's ideas, I want to let her speak. Cortni, speak now or forever. Hold your peace.
-_2_01-09-2026_121935:No, no, no. It's fine. I don't need credit. We both have great ideas. We can both take credits.
ben_5_01-09-2026_111934:Yours are better than mine, so that's why you get a start first.
-_2_01-09-2026_121935:Deb has taught you well I, I think one of the things that come to mind for me is you're focusing on things outside of your control that is exhausting, trying to manage things that you can't control.
ben_5_01-09-2026_111934:Yeah, let me share a quick little story with you. have I told you about my new attitude when it comes to watching high school basketball? Yeah. So I no longer yell at the refs. I no longer shout out and be like, call the foul or any of that crazy stuff anymore. I'm done. Can I tell you that I used to come home from basketball games feeling emotionally drained
-_2_01-09-2026_121935:Mm-hmm.
ben_5_01-09-2026_111934:because I was focusing on something outside of my control
-_2_01-09-2026_121935:Mm-hmm.
ben_5_01-09-2026_111934:and.
-_2_01-09-2026_121935:how can you control that? I feel like it's involuntary. I don't mean make the, that I do. I don't. It's not until after the,
ben_5_01-09-2026_111934:Yeah, well, I sit by Deb at basketball games and she has been known to elbow me,
-_2_01-09-2026_121935:ugh.
ben_5_01-09-2026_111934:which. I am not brave enough to elbow her and tell her when she's yelling at the refs, but I'm grateful that she elbows me and says, Ben you said you weren't gonna do this. I'm like, Ugh. But here's the thing. When I was focused on the refs, I felt exhausted and I didn't enjoy basketball as much. And now that I don't yell at the refs, I'll be honest with you though. By not yelling at the refs. I also don't cheer as much as I used to because cheering is a slippery slope. I'm still learning how to do that without taking it to the next step and yelling at the refs, but I am getting better, but. In parenting, we do that all the time. And like you said, it is exhausting when you are focusing on things outside of your control. So, Cortni, give us an idea, like what does it even look like when parenting your teen to focus on things outside of your control?
-_2_01-09-2026_121935:I mean, I can think of like giving them tasks to do. and when they don't do it, you get yourself all worked up and it's like, why can't you do this? Like told you, like, rather than get your feathers ruffled, just like I have learned to just be like, Hey, can you unload the dishwasher? Like, I'll just ask you again, like, I'm not gonna get myself worked up and. Yeah, I You, can you give some examples?
ben_5_01-09-2026_111934:Yeah, grades are one of the ones that I talk to parents about all the time, and the funny thing is. I, I also, we need to do a podcast about boundaries. Sometime we're not gonna do it right now. Parents misunderstand boundaries. They think I'm the parent, I'm gonna put a boundary in place, and that means that my teen has to do what I say because boundaries. And I'm like, yeah, but like.
-_2_01-09-2026_121935:That doesn't.
ben_5_01-09-2026_111934:When it comes to your kids' grades, you can put some boundaries in place and you can set some expectations. But at the end of the day, unless you are willing to go to school with your child, humiliate them and just sit by them and like be Jim Cricket and tell'em, Hey, this isn't good. Like stop doing it. You don't have very much control over how your teen behaves at school. And I know so many parents that. are emotionally exhausted because their kid has like a 3.7 instead of a 3.9 or like I,
-_2_01-09-2026_121935:splitting hairs. I feel like I had a conversation with my son because he's some of his grades. I'm like, how are you in class and. You took that quiz and how you get a D. Like, he's like, I just didn't read it. I was like, why didn't you read it? He's like, I'm like, well that's not an answer. I told him, I like, listen buddy, if you get a C, but at least you read it and you put forth the effort, I will be happy with a C. But when you get a C and or a D and it's because you just chose not to do the work, the fact that you don't care, that's where I have a problem.
ben_5_01-09-2026_111934:Yeah,
-_2_01-09-2026_121935:want you to put forth effort.
ben_5_01-09-2026_111934:and here's the thing. How exhausting is that? Because you can't control any of that.
-_2_01-09-2026_121935:No, but I can control what time his phone shuts off at night.
ben_5_01-09-2026_111934:Yeah.
-_2_01-09-2026_121935:I have let, I had, I have been giving him autonomy to make choices and learn those things, but I have learned in the last six months. Is distracting, and if he's not accomplishing the things that he needs to accomplish, then it's my job as his parent to step in. I don't have to take away everything, but I can definitely set some firm boundaries or restrictions he can put forth some effort.
ben_5_01-09-2026_111934:Yeah. The cool thing about cell phones, they are huge distractions, which guys? Cell phones aren't going away, so I would not recommend that you just flat out take them and never give them back. But if your teen can't demonstrate at least an effort to manage that distraction. Cell phones are also a huge motivator
-_2_01-09-2026_121935:Yeah.
ben_5_01-09-2026_111934:resource. Yeah. And so like if you. If you're focusing on something outside of your control, you might be focused on like, what's my teen saying on their cell phone? How are they doing at school? How? Like you can't control any of that, but guess what? I can control your cell phone and you only have it this period of time if you're not willing to turn it in or do whatever. I can't control that, but I can call the phone company and cancel your plan just right now. You're shifting your focus from the things outside of your control. You'll know you're focusing on these things because it is exhausting. And when you bring that focus back to what you can control, the nice thing about the things that you can control, typically when you decide to control that thing. It's one and done. Like, oh, I have control over that. It's not exhausting. It takes momentary effort. You feel empowered, you move on When you're focused on things outside of your control, it's just a loop that you're stuck on, and it's just constantly, quietly draining your energy. So.
-_2_01-09-2026_121935:I'd say that's probably the biggest, like just thinking about all the things even of my have talked about.
ben_5_01-09-2026_111934:Yeah. I'm glad you brought that up because I may not have even thought of that.
-_2_01-09-2026_121935:Don't patronize me.
ben_5_01-09-2026_111934:We both thought of that one. It's, it's like classic. Basic, like that's one of the fundamentals that I teach. And Cortni was right to identify that first. That's what I was gonna say. She learned from her sister, who were one step closer to getting her on our podcast, by the way.
-_2_01-09-2026_121935:She agreed we just have to lock in a date.
ben_5_01-09-2026_111934:Yeah. I'm just worried that everyone's gonna like her more than they like me. No.
-_2_01-09-2026_121935:Okay.
ben_5_01-09-2026_111934:Let's talk about this point right here. So, we talked about focusing on things outside of your control. This is similar, but we're gonna use different language. So many parents are either trying to control their teen, which obviously that's focusing on something outside of your control, or they think they need to fix their teen, still something outside of your control, or they think they need to change their teen. And I will be honest with you as the teenager, that everyone thought they either needed to control, change or fix. That's exhausting for your teenager. And it's also exhausting for you as a parent and I, so just a little luck into how I run my coaching business. People reach out to me, they're like, Ben, I would like you to work with either me or my teen. Kind of depends on who they are, what they want. Oftentimes they want me to work with their teen. I'll talk to the parents. Sometimes I'll talk to the teen and I'm like, your teen does not wanna change, so why would you waste any money trying to get me to change your teen when you could be the change that you wanna see? I can help you create that change. And when you change from the inside, things on the outside of you start changing.
-_2_01-09-2026_121935:Mm-hmm.
ben_5_01-09-2026_111934:You are looking at parenting like it's your job to control, fix, or change your teenager. That is exhausting. And when you parent from that mentality, typically you're trying to control things. You're lecturing, you're nagging, you're repeating yourself, you're mansplaining, even though you're a mom. Mom. Splaining is also a thing. So I, I said it. It might not be popular, but basically these are part of the reasons that it is so exhausting to parent from that frame of mind. Cortni, have you ever experienced that?
-_2_01-09-2026_121935:Yeah. When you were talking, I was just thinking about how exhausting that is for the teenager, like you said, and how we would feel if someone, every interaction with us, they were trying to fix us or change us or,
ben_5_01-09-2026_111934:I.
-_2_01-09-2026_121935:Repair it. Just, it, it wouldn't feel good. And therefore you wouldn't respond. I wouldn't respond to that person. Well, if I felt like they were just trying, if everything I did was wrong to them. I would just choose to not have interactions with them. I teenagers is change them.
ben_5_01-09-2026_111934:Yeah. Yeah. And so like the mindset shift here would be. A lot of parents think I need to change my teen. Like they just think that's their job as a parent. And so the mindset is like, man, I'm exhausted emotionally because my teen is difficult. The problem is that's blaming, it's putting the, the responsibility outside of yourself when you can take the responsibility and realize, oh, I'm exhausted because. I'm trying to be responsible for something outside of my control. And when you can start to see that you can let go of that. One of the other reasons that I think a lot of parents and guys, I talk with a lot of moms and oftentimes moms will blame, like their teen, they'll blame their husband who's not involved. They'll blame whatever their life coach who isn't as witty as me. The thing is. Bring that responsibility back in. One of the things that if you are blaming it, is really hard to regulate your own emotions because you're putting that responsibility on someone else. And I'm not saying that, like I talked to a mom just recently chose not to work with me. If you're listening, I'm glad you're still listening, but in the consultation that we had, I'm like, look. I can't change your husband if he doesn't wanna be more involved. If he doesn't want to do this work. I know you think he's the problem, but that is super disempowering because you can't change that problem.
-_2_01-09-2026_121935:Are you talking about me?
ben_5_01-09-2026_111934:No, I'm not talking about you. Another mom
-_2_01-09-2026_121935:I feel like that's where I was years ago.
ben_5_01-09-2026_111934:I know and find.
-_2_01-09-2026_121935:the problem, but I eventually read the book after. But yeah, no, I, that was me for sure.
ben_5_01-09-2026_111934:Why do you think it's so hard to emotionally regulate yourself when you're blaming someone else for the problem?
-_2_01-09-2026_121935:Emotions are based off of what they do or don't do, letting them and their actions.
ben_5_01-09-2026_111934:Yeah, really good. Let's talk about this a little bit deeper. I, one of the things that I teach parents and teens, I teach these three concepts. When it comes to emotions. There's emotional health, which, by the way, I couldn't find satisfactory definitions of any of these things. I just made up my own. Don't tell whoever's in charge of this. World, but emotional health, I call the ability to experience any and all emotions, which is different than what most people think emotionally healthy. They think emotional health is that, oh, I'm happy all the time. Now you can be sad, you can be pissed off. You can just be chill. You can be excited. Anything in between, if you can experience any and all emotions. You are emotionally healthy. Congratulations. Most people, they don't realize this, but they have a pretty good amount of emotional health. The one thing that I notice that keeps people from being more emotionally healthy is they try and ignore. Or resist the emotions that they don't want to experience, or they hyperfocus on just a handful of emotions and they're like, oh, I'm always anxious. I'm always stressed, and I'm like, I guarantee you, at some point throughout the day, you're happy. At some point throughout the day, you're relaxed and you just kind of have to increase your awareness to understand how emotionally healthy you are.
-_2_01-09-2026_121935:Stop brooding.
ben_5_01-09-2026_111934:I know right. I use that term to describe someone. I won't mention any names. Turns out I use that term accurately.
-_2_01-09-2026_121935:a.
ben_5_01-09-2026_111934:Here's the thing, when it comes to if you feel emotionally exhausted all the time, if you have let go of the things outside of your control, you're not trying to change or fix your teen, this is the next thing I would recommend. Be really good at regulating your own emotions. When you catch yourself feeling an uncomfortable emotion towards your teen, just realize, no, this is part of what makes me happy or not happy. This is part of what makes me healthy. I'm pissed at my teen right now. I am not happy and because I can experience those emotions, I am emotionally healthy. Now the next step is emotional intelligence. Again, I didn't like any of the definitions out there for emotional intelligence, so I just made up my own emotional intelligence is your ability to identify what you are feeling and why you are feeling. Now according to the self-coaching model, any emotion you have is created by a thought, whether it be conscious, whether it be subconscious, doesn't matter if you're thinking it, it is going to create an emotional response in your body in. If you are feeling exhausted when it comes to parenting, your teenager, get really good at identifying exactly what you're feeling. I guarantee you it's not always exhaustion. Sometimes it'll be frustration. Sometimes it'll be disappointment. Sometimes it'll just feel like you're on an emotional roller coaster. But if you can start identifying those emotions. And understanding the thoughts that lead to those emotions. I have moms every day that their biggest fear is that their teen is gonna flunk outta school and be, there's a bum that lives in their basement for the rest of their life. Those are all a bunch of thoughts leading to fear. When you can understand, oh, I feel fear right now because these are the thoughts that I'm letting run wild in my mind that will help you feel less emotionally exhausted when it comes to raising your teenager. And then the last one, this one I don't even think is a thing because I never even tried to look up the definition. I just made it my own emotional intention. Cortni, this one's gonna blow your mind.
-_2_01-09-2026_121935:I can.
ben_5_01-09-2026_111934:This is the ability to choose how you're feeling and or how you behave. The reason this is important, sometimes you don't want to change how you're feeling. You're pissed off at your teen and you're okay being pissed off at your teen. But emotional intelligence means like, Hey, if I can't change how I'm feeling, at least I can be intentional with how I behave. So, yeah, I'm pissed at my teen, but I am not gonna throw a shoe at him. So, yeah, if you are experiencing emotional exhaustion, I would look at those three areas. Are you focusing on things that are outside of your control? Are you. I already forgot the second, oh, are you trying to change, fix, or control your teenager? And last I would look at what's your emotional health? What's your emotional intelligence looking like, and how are you doing with emotional intention?
-_2_01-09-2026_121935:I like that last one for sure. The conscious choice to guide your feelings, reactions like. Choosing how.
ben_5_01-09-2026_111934:Now I'm working with a young man who. Witnessed his father die like there with him in a tragic way. And this emotional intention is huge because like that was a traumatizing event. Like he feels sad. There's a part of him that feels guilty. There's a part of it. That fear feels a lot of fear now because man, when you experience something like that, you realize like, we live under this. Pretense that life is easy. Life will just always go on. I'm gonna live forever. Most people suffer from the problem of thinking. They're way more immortal than they actually are. And man, when you experience death, that quick, your eyes open. You realize just how fragile life is. Anyways, emotional intention is huge for this young man because he can't control. How he feels like if he were to be less sad about his dad's death. This is a principle that it talks about in a Christmas Carol. Anyways, he would've had to love his dad less, to be less sad. And we're not gonna change how much this kid loves his dad, which means we're not gonna change how sad he is. But now we can move our attention like, man, sadness is here. It's okay. I'm healthy. I understand why I'm sad. But if I'm going to be sad, how do I want to behave? That is emotional intention.
-_2_01-09-2026_121935:Yeah, that is so.
ben_5_01-09-2026_111934:He, he's an awesome young man, by the way, this is one of the cool things about my business. I got him as a client because I worked with his, someone he's close to. I worked with a sibling of theirs. They're like, Ben, this kid has tried therapy. He's tried medications, he is tried everything. Nothing helps. The cool thing is I've met with this young man twice and he is like, things are already so much better. Like all it takes is like the thing we're working on is emotional health. Intelligence and intention after two calls, he's way better. Like guys, this will work if you are also feeling emotionally exhausted when it comes to parenting your teenager. Last thing that I would say, this one kind of just came to me the other thing, if you are exhausted when it comes to raising your teen, you are probably taking away some of your teen's power. And managing aspects of their life that you should totally turn over to your teen.
-_2_01-09-2026_121935:Mm-hmm.
ben_5_01-09-2026_111934:And I feel like we live in a world where that has been normalized and we need to get back to like how parents in the eighties raise kids. Like, I don't know. That's your problem. Figure it out. Like you could say that with more love,
-_2_01-09-2026_121935:Yeah.
ben_5_01-09-2026_111934:but still empower your teen. I.
-_2_01-09-2026_121935:I feel like that that is so true. That is the attitude they have. Because it was their problem. And I feel like we try to control so much and prevent them from learning so many lessons the hard way. Yeah, man, we are really focused on controlling our kids and their outcome and who they are. And yeah, I think we need to go back to the eighties, just not the hair.
ben_5_01-09-2026_111934:Not the hair and not the bright neon wind breakers.
-_2_01-09-2026_121935:Windbreaker, but the colors were
ben_5_01-09-2026_111934:the colors were cool, but was it really that windy in the eighties? Like if someone looked at the history books, they would just assume like, man, every day must have been a windstorm back in the eighties. Look at the hair. It just looks like it's poofed from the wind. And look at the clothes, the windbreakers.
-_2_01-09-2026_121935:I mean, windbreakers were the nineties because I remember wearing windbreaker like wind pants every day. a boy teasing me. He's like, why do you wear wind pants every day?
ben_5_01-09-2026_111934:Yeah, because you're wearing it in the nineties and it was cool back in the eighties. That's what
-_2_01-09-2026_121935:did.
ben_5_01-09-2026_111934:they bought a bunch in the eighties. They didn't sell out. They carried over. All right. Well, before this episode devolves anymore, I want to just invite you, if you have found value from this, if you are the type of parent who has been. Just exhausted from parenting your teen, and you try at least one of these things and you realize, oh my goodness, this actually works. If you are the type of parent who has been exhausted when it comes to parenting your teen, I guarantee you, you know someone who feels the exact same way. Go share this podcast with them. Help me and Cortni on our mission. Cortni didn't even know that we had a mission, but our mission is to improve the lives of teens all over the planet by helping their moms. So, and dads, I just, dads, if you're listening, I will work with you, but honestly, most of the guys I've worked with are way harder to work with than their wives just saying.
-_2_01-09-2026_121935:Are you.
ben_5_01-09-2026_111934:Well, I'm super coachable. How come other dads aren't? I'm like a little unicorn. Okay, well thank you for listening. Thank you for being here and come find us next week. Cortni, I think will be here, but who knows?
-_2_01-09-2026_121935:Yeah.
ben_5_01-09-2026_111934:We just need to like book a regular consistent time and then not book things over that regular consistent time. I feel like we're both guilty of that, so might be more me than you, but, okay. Alright guys, we'll see you next week.